


The Dancing Head of the Cobra

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Star Trek Narsarya B [5]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek : Into Darkness, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Bickering, Blood Connection by Firefly (Inspiration), Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Guilt & Innocence, Humor, Irving Berlin Music, Khirk, M/M, Narcotic Plants, Narsarya B, Narsarya B "Land of the Lotus Flower", Narsarya B (Star Trek Series), Romance, Slow Build, Star Trek Humor, Vulcan yelling, What Laura Felt, physical violence, spones - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-18 23:44:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8180293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: Sequel to "A Hooded Viper in Paradise."   All is not happiness and harmony in the paradise that is Narsarya B.  Khan Noonien Singh has left with McCoy's estranged wife before he and Jim Kirk could explore the mutual attraction between them.  Spock lies near death after being beaten and raped by a distraught McCoy.Who is guilty and who is innocent of what has happened?  Perhaps everyone is a little bit of both, or maybe the flowers of this planet paradise have affected all of them in sinister ways.  Jim Kirk and Bones McCoy are devastated by personal tragedies.  Loved ones are seemingly lost to them forever.  Now they must pull their lives back together to live in harmony once more in paradise, or be doomed to lonely bitterness.  They will learn if love can truly conquer all, even death.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Blood Connection](https://archiveofourown.org/works/811163) by [Firefly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firefly/pseuds/Firefly). 



> What Laura Felt, part 2 : A study of guilt and innocence
> 
> Happens after Star Trek : Into Darkness and "A Hooded Viper in Paradise."
> 
> He will not judge by what he sees...or...hears(,) but with righteousness...and faithfulness....Isaiah 11:3,4,5. The infant will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child put his hand into the viper's nest. Isaiah 11:8.

McCoy awoke and couldn’t concentrate. Voices in his head. Crashing. Screams. Screams? Spock? Spock screaming? Spock didn’t scream. He rarely raised his voice. But he did scream recently. He had. He’d even begged for mercy. He’d needed help. He’d pleaded for McCoy’s help.

Spock. Where are you, Spock? 

If only McCoy could concentrate.

Where was he? A floor. A cold, hard floor. No, there was a covering. A utilitarian covering like the regulation thin carpeting on his quarters on the Enterprise. But he hadn’t been in those quarters in weeks. He lived on Narsarya B now, with Laura. He closed his eyes and grimaced. No. Not with Laura. Not anymore. She was gone, gone with Khan Noonien Singh on the other side of Narsarya B. So near, but yet so far. So far, but yet too near.

He could not think of that tragedy now. For a tragedy, indeed it was. Her leaving with Khan had torn McCoy’s fantasy world apart. And only one person had truly made that world come back into focus for him. And that had been Spock, his friend Spock. McCoy would have thought it would’ve been Kirk. Kirk, with his empathy and sense of an ethical world, would have been the logical choice. Kirk had tried, bless him, but he just wasn’t cut out to hover in the background and offer silent support. He was a mighty doer, a swashbuckler who had to be out slaying something or other, or at least trying to scare the hell out of it. 

But Kirk was not cut out to be a nursemaid. He could not give his quiet support when McCoy’s tortured mind plunged into bitter anguish over Laura‘s behavior and loss. He could not shelter McCoy in his arms and lead him away into a cove of safety. He could not enfold McCoy into a cocoon of peacefulness and whisper gently in his ear that all would be okay. He could not rub McCoy’s back with magic hands that comforted by letting McCoy know that he was still loved by someone out there. He could not hold McCoy until the tortured man at last submitted into a gentle twilight sleep. He could not be there when McCoy finally allowed himself to drift off and when McCoy awoke again to the terrible truth. Kirk could not simply be there for McCoy, but Spock had been.

For Jim Kirk had his own particular issues to deal with. He was overwhelmed by his own heart-shattering angst over losing Khan Noonien Singh. His was not the same loss as McCoy’s, because Kirk and Khan had never had anything outside intense feeling and first-stage overtures. Theirs was a love that had never been, and for that Kirk suffered.

Who would have imagined that Spock could have been those things for McCoy? Who would have imagined that Spock would have stepped forward and been McCoy’s anchor these last few weeks? Spock, with his lack of understanding or comprehension about human emotions, had been the one who nonetheless had silently stood at McCoy’s side whatever happened. No matter what the emotional crisis (and everything felt like an emotional crisis if it required McCoy‘s attention away from his thoughts about Laura), McCoy could feel Spock’s hand on the back of his arm, whether Spock was actually touching him or not. Spock was just THERE. And he was probably the only reason that McCoy was still here or anywhere. Without Spock, McCoy would have gone crazy. Or killed himself. Or had not even found the nerve to do something less dramatic like the simple act of living from one day to the next.

But, now, McCoy couldn’t find Spock. Hell, he couldn’t find himself. And at the present moment, that became his priority. You gotta start somewhere. When everything is strange, you gotta see if you can identify some markers and take it from there. Back to basics. McCoy almost managed a grin. Spock would appreciate that precept. Back to basics.

Spock. I have something to tell you. You'll appreciate it. You might even find it fascinating.

No answer.

McCoy tried gingerly moving his aching body and realized that he hurt in dozens of places. But the worst was his head. He had been drinking. Yeah, he remembered now. He had been drinking. But when was that anything new? He shook his head, thinking that would help clear it. Mistake. That only made him dizzy. But worse, it upset a stomach that he realized too late was queasy. Dry heaves shook his body and bitter bile soured his mouth. He opened his mouth and breathed deeply, then realized why there was nothing in his stomach. His shirt stunk from dried vomit. The stench overwhelmed him. Gingerly he looked down at the caked mess on his shirt. Then he saw that his shirt was ripped and torn and hung in shreds from his upper body. Spatters of red and green and brown merrily mixed with the stinking vomit over his chest, abdomen, and tattered clothing.

What in the hell had happened to his shirt? And what in the hell had happened to him?!

What was slowly becoming apparent to him, also, was his chilled lower body. That could mean only one thing, and that was that he was naked below his torn shirt. Why? Why would he be on a cold floor in only tattered clothing on his upper body and nothing below his waist?

With a great deal of effort from a protesting body and with studied movements that would have impressed even the slowest tortoise, he managed to prop himself up on his elbows and gingerly turned his dizzy head. He glanced around in the subdued lighting of a room he did not recognize. Then he frowned as he saw torn and befouled remnants of Starfleet uniforms scattered everywhere. What the hell had happened here?!

Spock? Where was Spock? He had been with Spock. Where was McCoy? And where was Spock?! He had to find Spock!

Spock!

Slowly he pulled himself to his feet while dozens of places on his body screamed in horrendous pain. His legs were like rubber and could barely support him. He could not straighten up entirely for the agony from his wounds and the fog in his head. In a crouched position, he looked around in the dim light and finally realized where he was. He recognized Spock’s quarters on the Enterprise, or what was left of it. Furniture was overturned and broken. Rubble lay everywhere. It was like a mini tornado had torn the room apart. Spock would never tolerate conditions like this in his over-neat and Spartan quarters. Unless Spock no longer had any control of what happened to his possessions.

Fear gripped McCoy.

Spock!

McCoy didn’t know if he’d spoken or simply thought Spock’s name. But Spock with his Vulcan hearing would have heard when Earthlings could not have heard. But maybe Spock could no longer hear! Maybe whatever that had attacked McCoy had killed Spock! Maybe Spock was lying dead somewhere in here!

Spock!

His friend Spock! He had to find Spock!

McCoy tried to take a step, and pain shot through his groin. He looked down at himself and saw a sight that would have caused him to vomit if there had been anything left in his queasy stomach to eject.

His upper legs and lower stomach were covered with red, green, and brown markings that seemed to be superimposed over a red and deep purple sea of bruises and wounds on his own body. The colors seemed to match the spattering on his torn shirt, only thicker and more concentrated.

What the--

He took a closer look at himself. The red appeared to be dried blood. Probably his dried blood the way various scratched and raw places on his body were hurting. The green markings seemed to be same texture as the red, but there was more of it. Vulcan blood was green. Spock was a Vulcan.

McCoy’s head shot up. A look of panic creased his face. His eyes looked wild.

Spock!

No answer.

He looked down at himself again, down at the foulness on his shirt and chest. Down at the red and green smears that were probably his blood and possibly Spock’s.

But the brown globs. What was the brown substance? 

He frowned.

That smell--

And suddenly a memory from childhood came back unbidden to McCoy. He was supposed to be potty trained by now, and was, in fact, wearing big boy underpants. But he was wrapped up in playing with his toy soldiers and had dirtied his pants. And the feces had dried. And stunk. And looked like what was clumped in hard glop messes on the front of his lower body now. He touched one and it fell off him to land with a soft thud on the cluttered floor. If McCoy was not mistaken, that was a turd that he’d just pried off himself.

And then he noticed his penis. It and the skin around it were bruised and lacerated. It and the hair surrounding it was caked in the same browns and greens. McCoy tentatively touched it. It was sore and tender as if it had recently seen some very brutal action.

What the hell?!

“Spock!”

He thought that he heard a soft whimper answering him.

“Spock?!”

Nothing.

Then he noticed a trail of sorts on the floor. Broken furniture was pushed aside haphazardly, and an alley seemed to have been plowed through it. It reminded McCoy of the slime trail left by a snail. But it wasn’t moist slime that marked it. What got McCoy was the streaks of brown and green and traces of what only could be dried vomit. He followed the trail, aghast at what he might find, yet fascinated by the lure of the horrifying unknown.

McCoy had a feeling that Spock had made that trail. And he was right.

He also had a feeling that Spock hadn’t gotten far. He was right about that, too.

Then McCoy saw Spock’s broken body lying heaped face down amid the rubble on the floor.

Spock! No!

Shaking from dread of the unknown and mortal fear for Spock, McCoy knelt and touched Spock’s shoulder. Spock didn’t move.

McCoy could feel the dampness of tears coursing down his face.

No! McCoy begged. Please. No! Not Spock!

McCoy gently gathered Spock into his arms and pulled him against himself, although he realized that the maneuver was probably hurting both of them. McCoy knew that he shouldn’t move an injured person before checking for neck and back injuries, but he wasn’t a physician at the moment. He was a friend desperately worried about another friend. He also figured that it was more important that Spock realize he was with someone who would protect and help him. 

McCoy sensed that Spock was near death. McCoy clasped him close to himself and willed life back into his friend’s battered body. Stay with me, Spock, he begged. I need you. Don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I’ll never contest another thing you say as long as you don’t die. Please. Please. Stay with me, you pointy-eared hobgoblin. I’ve never told you that I love you! So very, very much! Please, Spock! Oh, please!

McCoy hoped that Spock’s heart was hearing him, because McCoy still couldn‘t bring himself to say the words out loud even though he was feeling them.

When the wave of fear and panic had swept over him, McCoy could think on more than a primitive level. He shook Spock’s shoulder slightly. “Spock?” he said gently. “Can you hear me, Spock? It’s me. McCoy. I’m here.”

Spock moaned, and McCoy shuddered with emotion. He felt faint with relief. Spock wasn’t dead. Yet. There was still hope. Where there was life, there was hope. That’s what his mother had always said. Up to the minute she had died, she had believed that creed. And her son believed it, too. Despite medical science, hope was the most important part of McCoy’s treatment of the sick and injured. Without hope, a patient is soon lost.

“Spock?” McCoy said gently as he leaned his head toward Spock and tried to ignore the primitive smells radiating off the Vulcan. “Can you hear me, Spock?”

Spock struggled to open his eyes. He winced as he slowly looked around. Then he recognized McCoy and recoiled.

McCoy grinned with relief. “It‘s alright, Spock. I am with you.”

“No!” Spock begged as he tried to pull away from McCoy. “Please. No!”

“Don’t move,” McCoy cautioned. “You’re hurt.”

“Don’t hurt me anymore. Please!”

“It’s alright, Spock. It’s me. McCoy. I’m with you now. You’re safe.”

Spock was conscious enough now to realize who held him, and he struggled to get away. “No! No! Not you.”

“Spock. It’s okay. I’ve got you. It’s over.”

But still the wounded Vulcan feebly fought. “Please. Don’t hurt me. No more.”

McCoy frowned. “But I didn’t hurt you, Spock. I couldn’t. Don‘t you know that by now?”

The panicked look on Spock’s face increased as he braced away from McCoy. “You! You! You hurt me!”

McCoy’s mouth dropped open. “Me?! No, you’re wrong. No. I couldn’t.”

“You! You!” Spock accused.

McCoy released Spock, and Spock’s body sank, crushed, back onto the floor on one shoulder. Spock’s panicked face and frantic eyes stared up at McCoy in mortal fear. He clawed with his bruised and befouled hands to gain purchase on the scant floor covering, but did not have the strength to pull himself away.

“Don’t try to move. I won’t touch you anymore,” McCoy promised.

McCoy’s eyes swept down Spock’s trembling body. The bare torso. The bare buttocks. And the carnage there told the horrifying story. Dried green blood caked around Spock’s anus. Dried fecal material was smeared across his backside, but the majority of what had once been nearly liquid coursed down his inner thighs. And overall, the blotches of dried red blood, McCoy’s blood. And hand prints in reds and greens and that gruesome brown all over Spock’s hips and butt cheeks. Especially down between his slender legs.

Hand prints. McCoy’s hand prints? McCoy turned his hands up and inspected them. They were smeared with red and green gore. And also caked with that gruesome brown material that stunk like an outhouse in summer. Because that‘s where that gruesome brown substance belonged, in a toilet somewhere. 

McCoy’s hands also matched the hand prints on Spock’s backside and upper legs. They completed the final, incriminating evidence of the terrible act McCoy had committed on his friend’s body.

No!

He had raped Spock?!

He had sodomized Spock?!

Spock, the one who had befriended him after Laura had run away with Khan? Spock, who had turned to him in quiet understanding because Jim Kirk was too immersed in his own grief over losing Khan? This was the way McCoy had paid Spock back?!

How could I have done this heinous act, McCoy wondered. Then he frowned. And how did I get the upper hand on a Vulcan? Spock could’ve floored me with a nerve pinch. I wouldn’t have stood a chance against that.

Then McCoy saw the dried green blood on Spock’s face and realized that Spock had sustained a severe head wound. Maybe he had a concussion, or something even more life threatening.

McCoy tried to reach for him to check his head, but Spock whimpered in fear and tried to pull away from him again.

He straightened and drew further back from Spock. That seemed to quiet the Vulcan. But Spock couldn’t be left that way. He was injured and needed help, but it was obvious that he didn’t want McCoy’s help. 

What should I try next, McCoy wondered. If only he could think straight.

A blanket. He could get a blanket and drape over Spock and try to prevent shock, although McCoy figured Spock was probably already being severely ravaged by shock. Anyway, at least a blanket would hide from his sight the view of that poor, broken body lying before him.

“Bones?! Spock?! Hey, are you guys in here!” Kirk called from the connecting bathroom between his and Spock’s quarters. “Why weren’t you at dinner?! I thought you were meeting me there! I know I was late.” The sounds of water coming on and splashing came out of the bathroom as Kirk washed his hands. “I got held up,” he said over the sounds of water as Spock and McCoy warily studied each other. “Then, when I couldn’t find you guys, I had to make do at dinner with a couple of new female yeomen.” The water stopped running.

Then, with help so near, Spock closed his eyes and collapsed to the floor. McCoy tensed to help him, but stopped himself because he knew that Spock did not want McCoy anywhere near him.

“Not that I‘m complaining any, mind you," Kirk continued, "but a guy doesn‘t expect to be stood up by--“ He stepped into Spock’s quarters and stopped, his wild eyes taking in the scene of destruction before him. “What the--” He spotted McCoy squatting on the floor on his knees. “Bones! What happened?! Are you alright?!” 

McCoy shook his head and tried to answer, but couldn’t in his dazed condition. Instead, he looked toward Spock.

Then Kirk followed McCoy’s gaze and saw Spock lying crumpled amid the carnage. “Spock! Oh! Spock!” His voice was like cold ashes. “Oh, no!” He bent with great fear on his face and gathered Spock gently into his arms. “My friend, my friend!” Kirk moaned. “No! No! Don’t be dead!” He grasped Spock tighter to himself. “Please. Please. For all that’s holy, I beg you! Spock! Please! Please! Don’t be dead!”

Spock whimpered in pain.

“Spock!“

A smile of thanksgiving spread across Kirk’s face as Kirk loosened his hold on Spock. Then he frowned as he saw Spock‘s battered and bloody face.

“What happened?” Kirk repeated as he looked at McCoy. 

Spock whimpered again and drew Kirk’s attention away from McCoy. That’s when Kirk saw the tattered and befouled clothing remaining on Spock’s arms. Kirk’s eyes traveled down Spock’s body, and he saw the ruined nakedness of Spock’s ravaged trunk. “What the--” His eyes had taken the same journey that McCoy’s had, his senses growing more alarmed the further down Spock‘s ruined body his eyes traveled. And his mind made the same deductions as McCoy‘s as to what had happened to the Vulcan. He just hadn’t figured yet who had done this terrible misdeed.

McCoy had managed to pull himself onto his feet and into a crouching position. “Jim! He’s hurt! Don’t move him around so much. There could be internal injuries!”

Kirk looked up and saw McCoy’s own befouled nakedness. “For heaven’s sake, Doctor! Cover yourself.” 

McCoy, of course, could not quickly comply. He was still trying to compute for himself what had happened to himself and to Spock. 

That’s when Kirk’s mind did some fast, elementary deductions. He frowned as his eyes took in the reds and greens and browns mixed in with dark bruises on McCoy’s torso and upper legs. “What the--” His mouth dropped open in shock as a terrible truth dawned on him. “You did this?!”

McCoy frowned, looked down at himself, looked back at Kirk, tried to form an answer, and couldn’t.

Horrible disbelief continued to contort Kirk’s face. “Bones,” Kirk gasped in a barely audible voice. “What have you done?!”

“I-- I-- I don’t know.” McCoy frowned, then started to kneel beside Spock and Kirk. “Let me help him.”

Spock whimpered and looked horrified as McCoy neared. 

Kirk held Spock tighter and turned him away from McCoy. “No! Don’t touch him! You leave him alone!”

“You don’t think that I--”

“Who else?!”

“But--”

“Look at yourself, man! You’re covered in Spock’s blood and Spock’s-- Well, you’re covered. Your penis is covered with his gore and feces. What‘s left of both of your uniforms is spattered full, too.”

McCoy looked down at himself. “I could get kidney infection from feces.”

“That’s all you’re concerned about?!”

“You won’t let me touch him. I need to help him.”

Spock whimpered and tried to draw closer to Kirk.

“Not this time. He needs help, but not yours. Call sickbay and get help for him. Then get cleaned up. Take a shower. Put on a set of Spock’s clothes. One of my uniforms would swim on you. And keep his. I’m sure he wouldn’t want them back. He’s already got your seed in him. I’m sure he doesn’t want anything else of yours.”

McCoy felt hot and cold and ill. But he couldn’t deny anything that Jim Kirk was saying, because it was the truth.

Kirk bent his head to Spock’s and tried to soothe him. “Hush, don’t talk,” he murmured. “Help is coming. I am with you. I will stay with you. You are safe with me. I am so sorry this happened. I am so sorry I wasn‘t here to help you.” He looked up and glared at McCoy. “Are you still here?! Move!”

McCoy moved woodenly aside to obey and felt his traitorous penis, now flaccid, its evil spent, slap gently against his leg as he headed for the bathroom.


	2. Chapter 2

Kirk breathed deeply for control. He was not good at this sort of thing. Visiting someone who was recuperating in the hospital was, in fact, extremely difficult for him to do. Spock had been brought down by shuttlecraft from the Enterprise to Narsarya B to recover. How ironic that he was a patient in McCoy’s facility.

“So, how are you doing?” Kirk asked offhandedly and tried to avoid the sight of Spock lying crushed and small looking in all that whiteness of a hospital bed.

“I am surviving,” came the weak answer.

Then Kirk remembered what he’d been told by the doctor. Don’t make Spock talk too much, don’t excite him, don’t make him remember. What the hell was he supposed to talk about then?!

“Uh, it’s good to be on the planet.” Kirk nodded toward the opened windows of the corner room. Plenty of fresh air and sunshine had been one of the prescriptions for Spock’s recovery. “You’ll heal faster.”

Damned!

“Yes, Captain.”

Double damned damn! What could he possibly say that wouldn’t remind Spock of what had happened to him?!

At that moment, a nurse entered. And James T. Kirk sighed in relief. Maybe he would have to leave. But that made him feel guilty. Spock was one of his best friends. Ordinarily, he craved Spock’s company. Sought it out, even. But not now. Not when everything was so serious and so strange.

“Captain,” the plump nurse greeted cheerfully.

Kirk nodded curtly. “Ma’am.” Middle aged, rather plain looking except for the bright eyes, he noted, then cussed himself out. Must he always be checking out the ladies? He’d probably still be doing that on his deathbed. He grinned to himself. Hopefully, he’d still be doing that on his deathbed. 

“How are we today, Mr. Spock?” the nurse asked cheerfully as she approached his bed.

Were nurses the same all over the universe, Kirk wondered.

“Better,” Spock said weakly. “My captain is with me now.” Frail as it was, his voice reflected Spock’s pleasure and contentment at Kirk‘s presence.

And Kirk felt like the lowest life form in the universe. He had been dreading this visit, and Spock had been waiting for him to appear all this time. Kirk had delayed his visit as long as he’d dared. How could he have disappointed Spock like that?

“I see that, Mr. Spock! You must be pleased that he has come to visit you!”

“Yes. He will protect me.”

Kirk’s eyes began to smart. That damn Vulcan! Just when Kirk thought he couldn’t be put through the emotional wringer anymore! Here Spock was doing it to him again with a blind trust in him that was almost pathetic in its faith. And how had Kirk protected him before? He hadn’t! But, still, Spock believed in him. How did Kirk merit that, when he didn’t believe it himself?

“Of course, he will, Mr. Spock! You are safe now. Your captain will see to that.” She beamed at Kirk.

Kirk’s heart tightened.

“He is good to me, my captain. He will protect me.”

Oh, gosh!

Was Spock delirious or delusional? Kirk began to worry about his sanity. Kirk certainly couldn’t be the superman that Spock pictured him to be to the nurse.

“I can tell he is a good man, Mr. Spock. He has a kind face.” She gently squeezed Spock’s forearm.

Spock gave her a tremulous smile and tears formed in puddles in his dark eyes. His hand reached out and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

They were killing Kirk! Spock never talked or acted like that. He must be seriously deranged.

The nurse turned back to Kirk. She acted as if nothing was amiss with Spock. “I’m going to do a few things for Mr. Spock now, Captain.”

“Oh. Oh, okay. I guess that’s my cue to leave, isn’t it? Spock, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” He couldn’t believe he was getting away this easily! Or this quickly!

“You will be nearby, Captain?” Spock asked softly.

Kirk grinned. “I won’t be taking the Enterprise out on any exciting adventures while you’re laid up, no.”

“I mean, today. You will stay nearby?”

Kirk looked from Spock to the nurse.

“I’ll only be a few minutes, Captain,” she said gently. “You can wait in the hallway if you wish. Or there’s hot coffee in the waiting room.” 

Kirk was amazed at the relief he felt that he didn’t have to leave Spock. Kirk thought his relief would have come from the excuse that he could leave after only a few minutes of a mandatory visit. He wanted to be with Spock. He really did, even if the situation was strange. After all, it was still Spock in that bed. That hadn‘t changed.

“I’ll be right outside, Spock.”

He was rewarded with a look of relief on Spock’s face.

But when the nurse reappeared, she smiled in apology. “I am so sorry, Captain. Your friend is sleeping. He fought it, though. He didn’t want to disappoint you. You might as well leave.”

“Is it all right if I stay, though?”

“Well, certainly. It may be hours, though.”

“That’s alright. I’ll be here when he wakes up. I could probably stand a nap myself. I haven’t been sleeping the best since he’s been in here. I’m used to him being right next door to me, you see. He’s my First Officer. And we share a bathroom on the Enterprise, you know.“

“No, I didn’t,“ she said with a kind smile. “But it must be a nice arrangement for both of you. I can tell that you two are friends.”

“Yes, ma’am, we are.”

Kirk realized that she’d probably seen her share of people trying to find something familiar in their lives again after someone close to them had been taken from them and put in a strange setting. She could probably understand what Kirk was feeling.

“I guess it’s lonesome without him nearby,” Kirk said lamely.

She patted his forearm with a plumb hand. “Of course, it is.”

“That’s why I thought, if there was any possible way, it would be nice if I was here when he woke up. He was there once when I’d been dangerously ill, and it made all the difference in the world to me to see him when I finally came out of it. I‘d kind of forgotten about that until just now, I guess.” He didn’t mention that his other friend had been there, also, a friend who everyone now had to pretend didn’t exist anymore, apparently.

“That’s an excellent idea! The chair reclines. It’s facing him so you can see him, and he can see you. That should bring comfort to both of you.“

“Yes, ma’am, it would,“ Kirk agreed with a relieved smile.

She studied him closer. “Why don‘t you go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat? You look like you might be needing nourishment yourself. Something simple and hot like tomato soup. Or a comfort food like lasagna or pork chops with dressing. And milk. No caffeine. Otherwise you won‘t be able to rest properly.”

“Those are my favorite foods,” he said with awe. “How did you know that?”

“They are the favorites of a lot of people,” she said with a soft smile.

His smile deepened. He loved her mothering him. “Yes, ma’am. I might just do that. I think I have been skipping a few meals lately.” He glanced at the sleeping Spock and felt tears spring into his eyes. “I had other things on my mind.”

“Of course, you have. But you go eat something. Go out in the sunshine, too. It‘s a beautiful day. Breathe deeply. Listen to the birds singing.”

“Yes, ma‘am,” he murmured.

She looked at him as if she could see what he was feeling. “I think you need a moment, don’t you? A moment to be grateful. A moment to give thanks that your friend here was spared. Then come back and be with him. Let him feel the wonder of the outdoors that you‘ll bring back inside with you. It‘ll give him a joy, also. And the awkwardness you were feeling earlier will all be gone.“

“Yes, ma’am,“ Kirk said in relief. Boy, she was perceptive!

“Like I say, he will sleep for hours now,” she continued, “so go refresh yourself so you can help him heal. You‘ll be able to find the way now.” 

“Ma‘am, just now, I‘ve never seen him like that,” Kirk said, trying to find the right words. “He generally doesn‘t let his emotions show. He fights not to. That‘s why it‘s difficult to see him so open.”

“You must understand, Captain. His emotions are very fragile right now. He‘s suffered not only a horrendous series of injuries, his faith has been shattered. I understand that the person who did this to him was a trusted friend.”

“Yes, ma‘am, a trusted friend who himself has been going through a great deal of personal pain. That‘s why this has all seemed so much worse. Spock was a crutch for the trusted friend, the only one our mutual friend had, I‘m afraid. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to help.”

“But that will change now, won‘t it?” she asked gently. “Now you can help both of them.”

He frowned in thought. “I suppose.”

“You are their friend as well as their captain. And they will help with your problem. You got disconnected from them for awhile, but that will change now.”

“Yes, ma’am. This has all been such a shock. I guess that’s what it took, though, to get me thinking about myself. I can’t imagine that our trusted friend did this unthinkable thing. It’s so unlike him.”

“Then that trusted friend must be really hurting himself, isn’t he?” she said gently.

“Yes, ma’am.” And just by answering her, Kirk realized how much he was hurting for McCoy and for what he had done.

“I feel that you have a lot of unresolved issues with that other friend.”

“Wouldn’t you?!” That was no way to talk to a lady, especially one who was only trying to help. “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

“I can see great pain in your eyes. And it isn’t all for Mr. Spock. It’s overwhelming you. First with your acquaintance and now with your mutual friend. You don’t need to be in this facility, also. You need resolution, starting with your mutual friend.”

Kirk read: Stop loitering around and confront McCoy. “Yes, ma’am.”

“But now we must see to Mr. Spock and his needs.” She touched his arm. “You go on now. Just seeing you relaxed him so he can sleep better. While you’re gone, I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket for the recliner so you can rest better.”

“Next you’ll be handing me a toothbrush and pajamas.”

“If you require it, Captain, I could arrange that. And meals sent up, too, if you wish.”

“That’s alright, ma’am,” Kirk said with a soft grin as he glanced at the sleeping Vulcan. “I think I’ll have everything I need right here.”

She returned his soft smile. “So does he. Now.”

It was only later, when Kirk was outside enjoying the soft spring weather, that he wondered idly about how the pleasant nurse had even known about his problems with Khan Noonien Singh, let alone McCoy.

 

McCoy didn’t get kidney infection, but he wished he had gotten it. Anything to have garnered some concern and sympathy from his co-workers and especially from Jim Kirk. Kirk, however, just looked at him as if he were the newest and worst strain of an unknown deadly virus to strike their galaxy. Luckily, McCoy did not return to the Enterprise, so he did not have to face his other crew mates. And the people he encountered at his clinic and laboratory had no way of hearing of his scandalous behavior.

Not that McCoy blamed anyone for their opinion. He hated himself probably more than they did. How, how, how could he have committed such a heinous act on Spock? He tortured himself with recrimination, but realized that in the end that did not excuse, that did not deny, that did not erase, what had happened. He would have to live with his misdeed forever. With no hope of forgiveness. With no hope of reconciliation with his closest friends. He was worse than the man without a country. He was a man without a life.

McCoy tried to turn out the world as much as he could. He refused to see patients. Dealing with the health issues someone else would require him to think, and he did not want to think. His only diversion were the ongoing experiments he was conducting at his laboratory. The other technicians were only a few of the people whom he saw on a daily basis, and he tried to relate with them as little as possible. What little food he consumed was on a makeshift basis. He tried to eat a few fruits and vegetables to keep his system going. Beyond that, though, he really didn’t notice or care. Weight fell off his already sparse frame. 

A huge dread was that he might become a burden that had to be placed in the care of someone else. He could not imagine anyone having to deal with his body. After what he had done to the sanctity of another being’s body, why would anyone want to touch, let alone minister, to his? That became McCoy’s scariest dread: to lose his independence. That made him put food in his body and practice other basic health routines so he could stay viable. He would rather die than become reliant on someone else. 

He wanted to become invisible. Outside of work, he saw no one. He read a lot, but even that activity had lost its charm. Staring at a batch of letters for over five minutes does not define reading. And it certainly didn’t impart comprehension, as it did not now. 

So McCoy closed the book. And it was one of his favorites: the Romantic poets, Byron, Shelley, and Keats. It had been a present from Spock after McCoy had mistakenly attributed “Ozymandias” to Byron. Spock had quickly corrected him and later had presented this volume so McCoy wouldn’t make the same mistake again. 

A single, mirthless chuckle escaped McCoy. Damn Vulcan! As if he ever needed a book to prove McCoy wrong. Why had the Vulcan even bothered? If proving McCoy wrong was his only objective, it looked as if he would have tired of that game soon enough. What made him constantly at McCoy’s side, except as a favor to Jim Kirk?

McCoy stared at the book. Without Spock’s friendship behind it, it was just a thing. It had lost its value and its appeal to McCoy. And he didn’t want it, anymore. McCoy’s smile was sad and ironic. He didn’t want anything anymore.

Except peace. Peace and quiet sounded appealing. No wonder people retired, gave up, and faded away into oblivion. After awhile, the struggle just wasn’t worth it anymore. He was indeed a man without a life. So what was life to him, anymore, except an exercise in repeated procedures that no longer held meaning? He might as well be dead.

 

Now that Spock had begun to rally, Kirk could think of other things in his life. What there was of his life, he thought with a smirk. Spock was in the hospital, McCoy was becoming a silent recluse, and Khan, well, Khan just wasn’t part of Kirk’s life anymore, it seemed. Kirk wished Khan well with his life. He also wished that Khan was back in his life. But that, apparently, wasn’t to be. 

At least there were women to distract Kirk. Ah, the female of the species, he thought with appreciation. What would the universe be without them? He knew he certainly didn’t want to try. But he couldn’t have identified most of the young ladies later, or even remembered their names or anything about them. Except--

 

“I am better, Captain, thank you,” Spock answered as he sat in the recliner in his hospital room.

“You had a concussion, Spock, besides other injuries. You should have had help quicker. Instead, you had to fight for your life.”

“That was not your fault, Captain.”

“I know. I just feel so inadequate. I could have prevented your debasement, at least. Instead, I was with some women, enjoying myself, and them. They were two new yeomen to the Enterprise. They seemed quite impressed with their captain. I felt like I had made a lot of headway with them. But I feel guilty about it now.”

“Captain. I am not wanting you to became celibate. You would probably blow up if you tried. You would want to kill yourself. Or we would oblige you.”

“So. That’s not a plan then, huh? No celibacy for me? Even though I might not remember anything about the young ladies, except--”

“No, Captain, that is not a viable plan. You just stay the way you are, and the rest of us will marvel at your deeds and your prowess.”

“All kidding aside, you are better?”

“I am healing inside. There were some inside abrasions that have been, ah, daily contaminated and irritated by my feces. But I never lost my ability to absorb nutrients in my intestines, so I have remained remarkably viable. Outside of minor bleeding from the inner abrasions, I am much improved.”

“How about the, ah, rim?” Kirk asked as delicately as he could.

“The anus itself?” Spock asked with a frown. “There was some tearing. That has caused the greatest discomfort. Hours of sitz baths in salts have been monotonous, but conducive to healing. If Dr. McCoy would have taken the time to have gently and manually stretched my sphincter muscle in my anal area, there would have been fewer, if any, problems. I understand that the insertion of fingers one at a time will provide this type of relaxation to the sphincter and also add greatly to the enjoyment of the one being stimulated. It also affords an intimacy between the two participants.”

Kirk hoped the shock he was feeling over what Spock was so calmly saying was not reflected in his eyes. Had Spock made a study of this subject since his experience? Not only the subject, but techniques? Couldn’t that be classified as hairy hell crazy for Spock to do?! And morbid?! Besides, how could he be relating this information so unemotionally, as if it did not pertain to him? 

Kirk forced himself to give an equally noncommittal reply, but he was having to call on his best acting abilities to do so. “Your comfort probably wasn’t on his mind at the time. Or your enjoyment.”

“I would have certainly enjoyed the experience more, but under the circumstances it is understandable that he failed to prepare me. He was drunk and angry. More pressing criteria entered into his thinking and reasoning. Although I am hardly surprised. Dr. McCoy‘s logic has rarely impressed me. In fact, I doubt if logic even entered into the mind of a man engaged in a brutal and demeaning rape.”

Kirk could not believe that he was actually having a conversation of this nature with his First Officer, or that it concerned his First Officer personally. Spock might as well have been discussing a shipment of the ores that contain titanium than his own abused body.

And he wasn’t finished with a topic that had apparently captured his curiosity and fascination. Kirk could only listen, stunned.

“If Dr. McCoy would have only realized that my sphincter had never been used in that manner before,” Spock continued, “we both would now be better for the experience. Me physically, and him mentally. I know my sphincter would still be in prime working order instead of the subject of so much medical inquiry and observation. I know there has even been a closed circuit hookup to medical classes at the universities on this planet, and at certain times I have to lie perfectly still while a camera rotates around my posterior.”

Kirk was too morbidly curious not to ask. “You mean--”

“Oh, yes. The area of my buttocks and hips is becoming quite the cinematic skin star,” he said with satisfaction. “It puts a whole new meaning to flesh peddler.”

Kirk sat bug-eyed. Didn’t Spock understand how bizarre this conversation was? Didn’t he understand about dark humor? 

Spock was really into his subject. “Plans are even being made for a book to be published on my condition, treatment, prognosis, and progression in healing. It will feature full page colored photographs. But not of my face, of course. Only of my anus and rectum. Most will be interior views.”

That did it. Not even Jim Kirk could handle this bizarre situation any longer. “Mr. Spock! Can we not have this conversation?!”

“Why?” Spock asked, truly puzzled. “Do you not find it fascinating?”

“Fascinating?! Are you crazy?! This concerns you! We’re talking about you! You and your blown out--” Kirk caught himself. “Well, you know. How can you be so indifferent?! McCoy nearly killed you!”

“Oh, come on, Captain,” Spock cajoled with a droll look on his face. “No man has ever been screwed to death.”

Kirk blinked at Spock’s usage of the vulgar term for the intimate act.

“That is just wishful thinking by the other man, the man who was doing the--”

“Mr. Spock!”

“It appears that I have shocked your sensibilities, Captain. You truly are from Iowa, aren’t you?”

“If you’re saying that I’m prudish and naïve, I guess you’d have to be right about the Iowa crack; yes.” He frowned, then muttered, “You are healing. But I don’t know if it’s a clean healing. You’re a little twisted in your thinking.”

“And how is Doctor McCoy?”

“See? There’s the twisted part! You shouldn’t even be concerned about his welfare!”

“Perhaps I wish to know that he is suffering anguish.”

“He is that,” Kirk muttered.

“Maybe that gives me some satisfaction.”

“Does it?”

“Not as much as I would get if I heard that someone had taken a sharp stick and poked it up his backside and rooted around with that stick inside him for awhile. And that the procedure had caused ruptures in his anal wall that would require a slow, painful healing process. Hours of sitz baths with medicines that nipped and stung his flesh, inside and out. Pain whenever his bowels moved that necessitated lying still followed by more hours of sitz baths. Now, that might give me some satisfaction.”

Kirk grimaced. “Vengeful little creature, aren’t you?”

“Would I not be justified? Or do I garner sympathy only as long as I do not receive any satisfaction? Then my attacker becomes the victim, does he not? But, still, I am the one with the originally violated a--”

“Mr. Spock!”

“What? I was just going to say anus. What did you think I was going to call it?”

“Something more in the vernacular, I suppose. Something that I remember hearing behind the dugout after baseball games.”

“Dr. McCoy used that term once,” Spock said with a thoughtful frown. “As a fellow Earthling and former baseball player, you would have understood his reference, I believe.”

“Probably. Did the term end with ‘hole?’”

“He did not say the term. I now believe that I am thankful he did not.”

Kirk grunted his assent.

“It is odd, is it not, Captain?”

“What’s that?”

“How swiftly guilt can be shifted. How do you accept that I am blameless in the whole sorry matter? Until now, of course, when I am withholding my forgiveness and therefore have become something of a villain myself.”

“McCoy was drunk. He made advances. You fought him off until you received your head injury and couldn’t fight back. Then he violated you. And it was worse because he also betrayed you. He was supposed to be your friend.”

“Ah, the friendship card appears, at last. The ultimate betrayal. How guilty he must be feeling because he betrayed his friend.”

“Yes,” Kirk mumbled. “Look, I know he did something horrible to you, Spock. I know it was unthinkable and unforgivable. But we humans think we need to forgive so we can move ahead. Your intensive care nurse reminded me of that, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.“

“She was a good woman.“

“Yes, she was. And she was right in what she said. You know, it’s a funny thing about forgiveness. If it isn’t given, it hurts both parties. I want to find McCoy and forgive him. I’m tired of hating my friend. I miss him and I want to have a relationship with him again. But you are my friend, too, and the injured party. And I will back you.”

“You would break with McCoy because of what he has done to me?”

“Of course. He’s not the person I thought him to be. I’m disappointed in him and supportive of you.”

“And leaving him with no one?”

“Yes.”

“And if I do not forgive him?”

“I’ll watch it eat at your soul, the way I’ve seen it do since this all happened.”

“And if I do not forgive? You will be disappointed in me and supportive of him?”

“Yes.”

“That hardly seems fair.”

“Tell me. You’ve watched McCoy’s mental anguish after Laura betrayed him. Can you image what pain he is feeling now, after what he did to you? Do you feel better because you know he has been suffering? Do you feel justified that he is being punished?”

Spock frowned, but did not answer.

“It’s hurting you, Spock. I’m watching it poisoning your soul. It was a terrible thing that happened, but I’m losing both of you because of it. And that’s two less friends that I want to lose. I should have helped more after Laura ran off with Khan, and now I feel guilty because of my lack. You had all that load to help McCoy.”

“I did not ask for help.”

“And do you know why?”

“He needed me, even if he said he did not.”

“There’s that empathy you didn’t realize you had.”

“I have missed him, Jim. Even when I try to hate him, I miss him.”

“Then you’ll forgive him?”

“Not now,” Spock answered with a set face. “Please do not ask me again. It is too soon.”

“Maybe you need to talk to your nurse again.”

“Which one?”

“The intensive care nurse. You know, I really haven’t seen her since I was allowed to stay with you. I guess that meant you were out of intensive care and didn’t need her anymore, so she moved on. I wanted to thank her again. She made a lot of sense, especially about McCoy. Did you happen to catch her name?”

“I believe it was Angela del Norte.”

Kirk frowned. “Something tells me I’ll never find her back, as least not now.”

“Why?”

“Her name? Angela? It means ‘Messenger of God’. And del Norte means ‘northerly’. I believe she’s gone back to her home in the north land with the other good elves and kindly sprites.”

“Some more of your superstitions from Earth?” Spock did not hide the derision in his voice.

“Spock. She knew things about me that no stranger should know. My favorite foods. The fact that I can’t sleep well if I have caffeine or you nearby. The fact that you and I are closely connected, in more than one way.”

“Assumptions based upon the law of averages.”

Kirk studied Spock. “But her powers were limited. For me, she healed my thinking about McCoy. But for you, she merely helped heal your body.”

“I believe that the planet and its flowers helped heal me, also.”

“You had such great injuries that she had to concentrate on only the physical healing." He looked at Spock with dawning understanding. “Someone else is intended to help with your mental healing. Either McCoy or me. Or both of us.”

“Or I am intended to heal myself, Captain,” Spock said dryly.

“Oh, Spock,” Kirk said softly. “Please need McCoy and me. Don’t shut us out.”

“You were here when you were needed, Captain. And I appreciate it. As for Dr. McCoy, I have received all I want from him.”

“Oh, Spock,” Kirk said softly. “I feel so sorry for you.”

“That is the difference between us, Captain. I do not appreciate or require your sorrow. You are evaluating me according to Earthling standards, so I would understandably be found lacking.”

“Oh, Spock, I was evaluating you according to universal humane standards, and you do come up miserably short. My friend Spock would never be like this. His body might have been violated, but his soul would have stayed intact. But yours has been destroyed. And you don‘t even realize it. Oh, my poor friend, I cry out for you, but I doubt if you hear you.” Kirk turned and left the hospital room without another word.

How dramatic, Spock thought. But that was Kirk for you. And now Kirk was saying that Spock was in the wrong for not eagerly embracing McCoy and declaring that the abuser was forgiven. Spock arched his eyebrow at the door that had closed on his friend Kirk, then frowned. When had Spock become the villain? And why did that fact hurt so much?


	3. Chapter 3

“Come,” McCoy mumbled and absently wondered who was even bothering to see if he was still living. Chapel checked on him once in awhile, but even her devotion had to be wearing thin. She was a good person and surely his crime had outraged even her timid soul. 

He looked up and saw Jim Kirk cautiously looking inside the door. An unchecked smile crossed McCoy’s face as his heart leaped with joy. “Jim!”

Then he remembered.

McCoy wiped the gladness off his face and turned away. “Enter, if you dare,” he mumbled. He heard the door close and halfway expected the room to be empty again as he turned back.

But Jim Kirk was standing inside McCoy’s office. He looked a little fearful, but also determined.

“I always did say you had more guts than good sense,” McCoy grumbled. “Well, sit down if you want,” he offered offhandedly as he indicated a chair near him. “Or maybe you don’t want to get too close to me.”

“I have no problem with that,” Kirk answered as he settled in the chair.

“You should. I have some sort of super power that I never knew about. I somehow got the upper hand against a Vulcan, but I still don’t know how in the hell I was able to do that.”

“It wasn’t you, the way I understand it. A severe concussion had a lot to do with it.”

“So I’ve heard,” McCoy mumbled. “Bruised organs. Blood in the urine. Broken ribs. Punctured lung. It’s a wonder I didn’t kill him.”

“But you didn’t. He’s tough.”

“He’s lucky. I must’ve passed out before I could finish him off.”

“HE passed out before you could finish him off.”

McCoy frowned. “What?”

“Spock thought he was dying. His last memory is your fist hitting him. Passing out is probably what saved him. He stopped being a challenge, so you lost interest.”

McCoy grimaced. “Something was protecting him. I sure as hell wasn’t.”

“I’m sorry to tell you what he told me. I thought it was better if I said it.”

“Hear the worst and then go on? No, Jim, the worst is that I ever laid a hand to him. I’ll have that hanging over me forever.”

“I figured you’d be feeling guilty.”

“You figured right.” McCoy frowned. “I saw that look of fear on your face just now. I don’t blame you. Who could relax around a sex fiend?”

Kirk looked puzzled. “Oh, that? I thought you might kick me out for showing up.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I haven’t been exactly attentive.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“And I apologize.”

McCoy frowned. “You do?”

“Of course. I’ve been a coward. I didn’t help you after Laura left, and I haven’t helped you any now. I’m sorry.“

“Someone is sorry to me?!“ McCoy was stunned by the concept.

“Yes. Here. I brought you something.”

McCoy stared at the paper sack that Kirk was extending toward him and felt tears prick at his eyes. Somebody thought enough of him to apologize? And then to bring him something? He thought he was too contemptible to receive anything, to even be considered worthy to receive anything.

“It’s just some fruit,” Kirk said offhandedly. “Some apples and oranges. I know you like those.”

McCoy’s eyes smarted again. A gift chosen with care behind it, even. Damn!

“And some granola packets. You know, the kind you like with the pumpkin seeds mixed in. And yogurt from the cafeteria.” He extended the sack closer to McCoy. “All good, healthy food.” His smile was thin with apology. “Just what the doctor ordered.”

McCoy took the sack and stared at the items inside. But he couldn’t really see them. Damn eyes were smarting like hell now.

It might as well have been Christmas. No gift had ever meant so much to him. Because he thought he was unlovable.

It took him trying twice and a throat clearing to speak. “Ah, what’s the occasion?”

Kirk shrugged. “Nothing special. I just wanted to bring you something.” He studied McCoy for the first time in days. “I understand that you haven’t been eating. Well, you have. But apparently not enough to satisfy certain people. And now since that I‘ve seen you, I can understand why.”

“You’ve been talking to Chapel,” McCoy said with a sigh.

“She worries. And I imagine she’s tried to give you food, too.”

“Yeah,” McCoy grumbled.

“She said that you didn’t even act like she was in the room.”

McCoy frowned in pain.

“She doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment, Bones. She only wants to help you. She likes you.”

That got McCoy’s attention. He turned with a snarl on his face. “How in the hell can she possibly do that?!”

“Because she hates what you did, Bones,” Kirk answered softly. “But not you.”

“I know that old platitude! It‘s a ball-breaker!”

“But nonetheless true.”

McCoy turned away with a growl.

“And what Christine Chapel believes goes double for me.”

McCoy turned back with a stricken face. “How?” he whispered. “You two are good people. How can you stand to even look at me, let alone be concerned about me?”

“Because we love you, Bones.”

McCoy’s face contorted with emotion, and he fought to clear it and finally won. But he still didn’t trust himself to speak.

“We love you and always will.”

“Stop saying that!”

“Never.”

McCoy held his hand out. “I did--”

“Something contemptible, something heinous, something unspeakable. When I saw what had happened, it was almost more than I could comprehend. I was terrified for Spock. I thought I was looking at his corpse, and I went into shock. Then when I realized that you had been responsible for what had happened, I was horrified. I was jerked around emotionally. Bones, what you did was brutal and crass and demeaning. But it’s nothing that can’t be atoned for and forgiven.”

“And that’s what you’re here to do?”

“Partly.”

McCoy snorted with disdain. “And partly to relieve your own guilt, I suppose?”

“You suppose rightly.”

McCoy frowned. “What the hell is your guilt in all of this?! You’re lily white as far as I can see.”

“Far from it. I’m the one who brought Khan here in the first place.”

“You feel guilty about that?” McCoy said with amazement.

“If I hadn’t brought him here, he would’ve never met Laura. And she and you would still be together.”

“Oh, that,” McCoy said offhandedly. “Oh, well-- Apparently, she and I weren‘t as solid as I thought we were. That‘s not your fault. Don‘t worry yourself about it. You heard her. It would‘ve happened anyway. Easy come, easy go.”

“Don’t make light of it. It’s plagued me ever since Laura and Khan left, but I didn’t have the guts to ask for your forgiveness until now.”

“I never really blamed you, Jim.”

“Oh, come on! You had to have laid a lot of the guilt on me!”

“Maybe at first. But I went on to feeling inadequate. If I’d been all she’d needed, she could’ve been tempted by ten Khans and she wouldn’t have ever noticed them. And then one slightly fractured, dented guy named Khan Noonien Singh comes along with his soul in torment, and she goes all gooey eyed for him. I guess I just wasn’t broken enough for her.” He turned aside. “Well, I am now.”

“I know you are. That’s one of those reasons I’m here.”

“Oh? Now I suppose you’re going to be Laura Kessler for me? You‘re going to take me in because I‘m so needy?” McCoy demanded sarcastically. “I‘m sorry, Jim. You‘re pretty, but not beautiful.”

“Even my soul?” Jim asked in the old flirty way.

“Now your soul, sir,” McCoy answered in his Southern gentleman voice, “is indeed beautiful.” Then his face looked more like itself than it had in weeks. McCoy looked relaxed. “My, that felt good.”

“Just like old times, right? I want them back, too, Bones.”

“Can’t happen. I wrecked it. I ruined everything. Old times. Self-respect. Spock’s-- Well, I ruined that, too.”

Kirk’s eyes twinkled. “Well, I wouldn’t say that. Maybe stretched it a little unnaturally when it was unaccustomed to being used in that fashion. Maybe, if you‘d gone a little slower and let him kept pace with you, it would‘ve all turned out differently. Maybe you two would be all cozy by now. It still could happen.”

McCoy scoffed. “Yeah, like I’d get another chance at that.”

“Don’t write it off.”

“What the hell are you saying?!”

“He’s been apparently studying certain techniques concerning that type of practice. He’s getting to be quite the expert.”

McCoy frowned. “Has this gone to his head? And I don’t mean his pride.”

Kirk smiled. “'Gone to his head.' That would be a neat idiom to try to explain to him.”

“Has this affected him mentally?”

“I think he’s fascinated by the subject. And I mean that literally.”

“This is a terrible dilemma.”

Kirk shrugged. “Well, give a man idle hours to fill, an unfiltered computer, and a topic that consumes him, and this is the result. Expect a red face from yourself before he‘s finished expounding on his new favorite topic, though. He doesn't sugarcoat a thing for your sensibilities.”

“So you’re saying the long term mental affects could be worse for him than the physical problems.”

“See? I knew that his doctor could sum up the problem.”

McCoy turned away. “I doubt if he still wants me to be his doctor.”

“He told me once that you said that you would always be his doctor,” Kirk said softly.

“I doubt if I can ever be anybody’s doctor, anymore.”

“Why not? You’re not the worst creature to roam the universe. You didn‘t mean to hurt him.”

“I’m good for starters,” McCoy grumbled. “Besides, why do you think I wasn’t at fault? Why are you so sure I didn‘t mean to hurt him?” 

“You’re denying something that I know is true. Something that will always be true, no matter what. There aren’t too many constants that are as universally true as this one is,” Kirk answered with a lazy smile.

“Now you’re talking in riddles. You still haven’t convinced me. Why do you think I didn’t plan to hurt and dishonor the Vulcan when I saw him injured and at a disadvantage?”

“For the best reason in the universe. That universal constant that I just mentioned? You‘re trying to ignore the best reason because you think you‘ve proven it wrong. But you haven‘t.”

“I don’t know what that reason could possibly be. Excuse me, what is this obvious constant that seems to be ruling the universe that I‘m overlooking?”

“Simple. You love Spock.”

McCoy’s mouth dropped open, and he stared at Kirk.

“There’s nothing I know is truer. You love me, and you love Spock Therefore, you wouldn’t willingly hurt him. Would you?”

McCoy still couldn’t answer, then he became aware of something dripping off his chin. He reached up and found his face covered with moisture. He pulled his hand away and stared at his hand.

“It isn’t clear blood, McCoy,” Kirk murmured. “Taste it, if you must. They'll be salty. They’re tears. Your tears. Left too long unshed.”

McCoy covered his face with his hands. “Oh, Jim, I didn’t mean to hurt him!”

Kirk drew his arms around his friend. “I know you didn’t, Bones. And in time, hopefully, he’ll realize it, too.” He looked down at McCoy’s face covered with his hands. “Now, are you going to argue with me anymore about that universal constant?“

“No,“ McCoy answered from the well created by his hands. He shook his head. “No.“

Kirk smiled, then led his friend back toward his chair. “Now, sit down and eat a piece of that fruit for me, so I’ll know that you’re not trying to commit suicide by starving yourself.”

That didn’t happen for a couple of minutes, though, because Leonard McCoy uncharacteristically threw his arms around Kirk and gave him a big hug. Then Kirk had to wipe away a few of his own tears before he finally got McCoy to sit down and eat that piece of fruit. He was pleased when McCoy took even a few bites of the yogurt and granola for him.

They both slept better that night.

 

“Captain, something has come to my attention.”

“Mr. Spock. You are not on duty, and you won‘t be for awhile. You need to be resting. You are here on the Enterprise simply as a courtesy. You should be on extended leave down on the planet so you can recuperate in the fresh air and sunshine and the healing powers of the natural world.”

“Captain, I have rested about as long as I am able. If I hear another bird singing or watch another fluffy cloud floating placidly through an azure sky, I will be tempted to destroy something pristine and beautiful and innocent. Do you wish to be responsible for those actions, Captain?“

“Most assuredly not. I did not realize that recuperating had become such a taxing situation to you.“

“Recuperating is one thing, idleness is another. It was my posterior that was assaulted, sir, not my brain. And that part of me has been crying out for diversion. I can assess the flora and fauna of the grounds of Dr. McCoy’s clinic only so long before I will become quite mad. And I do not mean angry!”

His voice had gradually risen, which was quite unlike Spock.

“Yes,” Kirk drew out slowly in agreement. “I can quite well understand your premise. It would be a logical deduction.”

“Quite logical, Captain.” 

“Very well, Mr. Spock, carry on. What has come to your attention? The last time you told me something like that, I didn‘t listen. And we all lived to regret it.”

“Yes, well, hopefully this matter will not have that type of outcome. This really is not in the realm of a potential threat. Regrettably, the consequences have already occurred.”

“You would make a master illusionist, Mr. Spock. Your set-up is spectacular and spell binding. Now, what have you discovered?”

“You know that Dr. Kessler has established a facility for research into the effects of this planet’s lotus flowers similar to the laboratory established at this location by her and Dr. McCoy?”

“Yes,” Kirk agreed, once more dragging the word out slowly. So far, no new information.

“And she has also established a clinic similar to the facility at this location.”

“Yes,” Kirk answered. “Supposedly she did this to further her humanitarian efforts for Khan and his crew.”

“Yes. That was the short term projected benefits. Hopefully, the lotus flowers growing wild and cultivated on Narsarya B could be used to help settle the warlike tendencies of certain peoples which would, coincidentally, help Khan and his crew. And the ultimate goal would be that they could become viable citizens who could advance their theories for peace throughout the cosmos.”

“Using the lotus flower procedure would calm down Khan and his crew. There are many examples of that type of program in Earth’s history. I remember reading about the addition of saltpeter into the milk distributed to college students during the middle of the Twentieth Century. It was done with the idea that it would help curb the sex drive of male students on campus.”

“An effort which greatest result was giving a bad taste to milk, as I recall,” Spock said. “Generally speaking it was quite ineffective. Many people are currently alive because Twentieth Century college administrators believed that saltpeter would stifle the libidos of their male ancestors.”

“Yes, I have heard reports of that nature myself.”

“Dr. Kessler’s research has enjoyed quite the backing of this planet’s universities and politicians partly due to the fact that Dr. McCoy has not been as perseverant with his duties as he had previously done.”

“Hmm,” Kirk pondered. “That is understandable, considering recent events in his life.“

“I believe he has had other matters on his mind, matters of a personal nature, and has let his professional interests slip.”

How damned detached could someone become, Kirk wondered as he listened to Spock describing McCoy. It was as if Spock didn’t know the person in question or the recent personal events in that person’s life that might have interfered with that person’s performance of professional duties. 

Kirk wondered idly if Spock was in denial. Hell, Kirk thought, Spock would have a damned good reason!

“I understand that Dr. Kessler’s has made amazing strides with her program of reconditioning Khan Noonien Singh,” Spock continued.

Kirk almost cringed with the clinical terminology, as if Khan was a test monkey instead of a person, a person for whom Kirk had feelings. Of course, this testing would be only one phase of such research in Khan’s life. But it came nowhere close to what he’d been subjected to in the Twentieth Century. Or his inhuman treatment by Alexander Marcus after being reawakened. 

“To the extent,” Spock continued, “that Section 31 has consented to the importation of Khan’s crew onto Narsarya B.”

Whoa! That got Kirk’s attention.

“Khan’s crew is going to be brought to this planet? What do the planet’s leaders have to say about that?”

“I understand that Section 31 can be quite persuasive in its dealings.”

“I wondered why I wasn’t notified by Section 31? I was originally assigned to deal with Khan, regardless of what Laura Kessler says.”

“I understand that Section 31 is dealing directly with Dr. Kessler now.”

“What?! They’ll eat her alive! She doesn’t know who she’s up against! Neither do the leaders of this planet!”

“I believe that negotiations are presently underway to make Narsarya B a penal colony.”

“What?! A penal colony?! The natives on this planet won’t want that! Penal colonies can be had anywhere in the universe on a planet that is uninhabited. Just import prisoners to any hunk of ice with an atmosphere around it. Why mess up a paradise such as Narsarya B?”

“But not every hunk of ice will have the native growing lotus flowers that naturally sedate the residents.”

“Then transplant the damn flowers! That could be easily done!”

“But the plants are already growing here.”

“Why go to the cost of transplanting plants to another planet when it so easy just to take over the original planet?” Kirk frowned. “Narsarya B would go from being the paradise of the universe to being the cesspool of the cosmos.”

“I fear your assessment would be correct.”

“I’m not a native of here, but I’ve been here long enough to want to protect it. McCoy would hate it. This planet has become his home. And just think of all of the wonderful people we’ve met here, the learned atmosphere, the graceful, gracious style of living. All of that would be tainted. And in a few generations, it could be ruined. Or even lost forever. Narsarya B would become a ghost planet.”

“Similar practices in agricultural and environmental practices offered the same scenario on Twentieth Century Earth. To the shame of those Earthlings, the future of ecology was sacrificed for the plundering of their planet’s resources. The populace was warned about sacrificing the world of future generations for the ease and comfort and financial windfalls of the present. Few listened.”

“And few will listen now,” Kirk muttered. “We must warn them, though.”

“Yes.”

“But you are unable to travel.”

“That is true. You and Dr. McCoy will have to go to Dr. Kessler’s facility.”

“McCoy and me? Seeing Laura and Khan again? I don’t know if we can do that.”

“And now you can understand the dilemma. Will you two sacrifice yourselves for the common good of the people of Narsarya B?”

“I believe you already know the answer to that one, Mr. Spock.”

“Of course, Captain.”

Kirk could have been mistaken, but Spock seemed to be taking some sort of perverse personal satisfaction for the present situation. Not that Kirk could blame Spock. But Kirk thought that Vulcans weren’t supposed to feel satisfaction, or revenge.

“I will inform Dr. McCoy of our mission. Would you like to bid him farewell before we depart? Maybe we three could have dinner this evening.”

“I do not care to socialize with Dr. McCoy, Captain.”

“I’m sorry,” Kirk said with a frown. “I thought you seemed to be alright with Dr. McCoy. I thought that you had softened the stance you took on the subject in the hospital.”

“While I do not harbor grudges, I do not care to socialize with him, either. In fact, I do not wish to associate with him on any level, either social or professionally.”

“He is dead to you?”

“If he were that, that would assume that I have a relationship with him. And I wish to state emphatically that I will not recognize any association with him. I do not care to have any further dealings with him, nor do I care to acknowledge that I ever did.”

“But you have had a relationship with him. You have a history. You cannot ignore that.”

“I am not ignoring it, Captain. If I ignored it, it would mean that there was something there to ignore.“

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m beginning to see the picture.“

“A relationship between Dr. McCoy and myself no longer exists. And that is it.”

A coldness settled around Kirk’s heart. “You would have made a helluva Jew, do you know that, Mr. Spock? On second thought, I apologize to the Jewish people. You come nowhere close to those wonderful people.”

“I do believe I have sufficient reason for my feelings.”

“I understand your reasoning. But in your case, those aren’t feelings. They are nothings. Remind me not to piss you off, Mr. Spock. I’m afraid the coldness of your heart would freeze me instantly.”

“And now, perhaps for the first time, you truly understand the difference between a Vulcan and an Earthling.”

“Yes, all too clearly. And just between you and me, Mr. Spock, I believe I’ll stick with being a flawed Earthling. I don’t believe I can quite live up to your expectations of a super person.”

“I can only be what I am, Captain.”

“May God have pity on your soul.”

Spock frowned. “You are feeling sorry for me?”

“Yes. And it’s not because of what happened to your body. It is healing. But I worry about your heart and soul. You are losing your humanity. I thought you were interested in keeping that.”

“I was interested in keeping a lot of things, Captain. But when a person is robbed of one, sometimes others are also lost. Or become unimportant.”

“I understand. I think. I believe that you have a lot to work out, Mr. Spock. Perhaps more time in Nature will help you while I am gone.” He turned to leave.

Spock frowned. He had heard the edge to Kirk‘s voice. “Wait. Why do you think I am at fault here? Was I not the victim?”

“I’m beginning to understand that you were the victim in more than one way. Don’t you see how this is hurting your heart? Don’t you want to forgive, for your own sake?”

“You are asking something that would be very difficult for me to do.”

“Yes. I know. And I know it’s worse for you because you don’t understand my reasoning. But, stop and think, Spock! It’s McCoy! You loved him once. Love doesn’t stop just because you want it to stop. Love is eternal. And it will tear you up inside if you try to convince yourself differently. And I don’t want to see you putting yourself through that kind of pain when it’s unnecessary. You already have all the pain you can handle.”

Spock stiffened.

“I’m not saying that it can ever be forgotten. It happened. We’ll all have to live with that fact forever. But we can, because we have to.”

“You keep saying ‘we.’”

“Well, of course. I’m in this with you and McCoy. Why would you think any differently?”

Spock’s eyes smarted with tears. “I just thought--”

Kirk frowned. “That I would think of you any differently because of what happened?” His frown deepened. “Any less?”

“I have read that rape victims feel shunned, not only by others, but by themselves. They feel different somehow, not quite worthy to be part of society any longer. They are lesser than other people, because they feel lesser.”

“Oh, Spock, I am so sorry. I had no idea. Do you want me to stay with you? I don‘t have to go.”

“Your orders were to take care of Khan Noonien Singh. You need to go where he is. You also need to see Laura Kessler and find out how far along are the plans to establish a penal colony on this planet.”

“I’ll scrap it all. For you.”

“I would not ask that of you, Captain. You must first do your duty. Go. I will be okay. Just do not ask me to forgive Dr. McCoy. I need more time, if ever.”

Kirk saw by the hard look on Spock’s face that the Vulcan was adamant. 

“I’ll see you when I get back, Mr. Spock. I hope you have a change of heart about Dr. McCoy before we return.”

Spock’s face remained hard and impassive.

Jim Kirk sighed and left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

“It’s a wonderful looking facility, Jim,” McCoy remarked as they approached the Kessler Clinic up the long walkway. “Laura always did have good taste.”

“I know she did in men,” Kirk answered. “First you, then Khan.” He frowned. It still hurt a lot. 

“I just hope she treats him better than she did me. That poor jerk needs some lucky breaks. I thought he’d gotten a huge one when you took an interest in him. I don’t know, though, why he didn’t realize you were offering him more than friendship and help.“

“That obvious, huh?“

“Dying calf in a thunderstorm angst radiated off you whenever you thought of him. You were an open book! And when he came near you! Phew! The rest of us guys might as well not worry about our testosterone levels. You could have kept us all well supplied. I don’t why he didn’t feel the same as you did.“

“He did. I just wasn’t enough.“

“Well, welcome to the bitter losers’ club. We’re charter members, you and I. What’s the quote? ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ The guy who wrote that never took into account that a broken heart just plain hurts.”

“Alfred, Lord Tennyson.” 

"Yeah, that's the guy. Words are pretty thin balm. I know what he meant, though." He frowned in thought. "At least, I got to love for awhile."

"And was loved back, for awhile. That's important here."

"Very important."

Kirk smirked. “Laura would want to discuss Tennyson and his quote at dinner, I expect.“ 

McCoy grimaced, remembering all too well. "Yeah. At least I had the loving experience."

Kirk thought a moment, then grumbled, “I can’t be a charter member in the bitter losers‘ club, Bones. Khan and I never got to the loving part.”

McCoy shot him a shocked look. “Really?! I figured you would’ve bedded him for sure. Lots! Did he play hard to get?”

“Something like that. The ‘dedicated to his crew’ bit. I’m dedicated to my crew, too, and all that. But nothing, and I mean, nothing, comes between me and a good lay.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. I know better than that, Kirk. And I expect Khan realized it, too.”

“That's obvious, too, huh?”

“Like looking through clear water.”

“Oh, man! No mystery to me, is that what you’re saying?”

“You’re about as mysterious as a hornet in high summer.”

“What you see is what you get.”

“You’re just full of clichés, aren’t you? Well, at least you understand them. Not like a certain clueless Vulcan I could mention.” McCoy stared ahead without seeing. “But I won’t.”

“What’s wrong with us, Bones?”

“Hmm?”

“We’re pretty nice guys, aren’t we?”

“I like to think we are.”

“Nice looking. Dedicated to our work. Loyal.”

“All the good qualities,” McCoy agreed.

“Well, you could be a little less irascible.”

“And you could be a little less conceited!” McCoy barked.

“Okay, we’re not perfect. Agreed?”

“Well, if you’re admitting to it, so will I. But, still, we‘re better than most of the choices out there.”

“Agreed. So, how come the guys we like don’t like us back?”

“Beats me, Jim. If I could answer that, I’d be the smartest person who has ever lived.”

“Oh?”

“How many people for how many countless generations have taken a crack at that question and come up as puzzled as we are.”

“Well, at least we’re in good company.” Kirk stopped and looked up at the imposing façade of Laura Kessler’s clinic in front of them. “Well, here we are.” He didn’t sound very enthusiastic. 

McCoy looked back at the parkway they’d just traversed. “I’ve never been on this side of the planet. It’s just as lovely as it is at home. Just look at those lawns. And those rose gardens. There are even live oak trees here. Laura has recreated our place. For some reason, that makes me feel sad. She wanted the place, apparently. But not me.”

“Bones, you don’t have to do this, you know. I can meet with Laura alone.”

“I have to do it eventually, I suppose. Time won’t help in this case.” His smile was ironic. “She and I are colleagues now, representing different clinics. At some time, we’ll be attending medical meetings and helping the natives of this planet to acclimate with the universe. Our future work might bring us together a great deal.” He took a deep breath. “Might as well break the ice now, wouldn’t you say?”

Kirk had never admired McCoy as much as he did in that moment. “You are very brave. I‘m proud to know you.”

“I don’t know if I deserve that kind of praise.“ He stared at Laura’s clinic. “Just putting one foot in front of another has been difficult these last few months. Seeing her again will just be taking another series of steps. Nothing more than that.”

But beside him, Kirk could tell what a toll this meeting was taking on McCoy. 

And it didn’t improve much when they were finally shown into Laura’s office. Laura hadn’t changed. If she had, it was only to look more beautiful and poised. Kirk could only imagine how the sight of her was piercing McCoy through his heart.

Laura rose and floated toward them. She seemed to be gliding on some ethereal dancing feet. Jim Kirk thought of Ginger Rogers with brunette hair. Laura even seemed to have a Ginger Rogers demeanor.

“James! What a pleasure to see you again!” she gushed as she took his hands and kissed his cheek. “Len! Darling! You look well!” She air-kissed in his direction, but did not touch him.

The men glanced at each other and both thought ’liar.’ They both knew that Len looked like hell. True, he was improved from the depths he had sunk after Laura had left, but he was nowhere looking as well-settled and healthy as he had looked when he and Laura had been together. And then there had been that little business involving McCoy’s attack on Spock that had devastated McCoy further. That had been a terrible step backwards. He had never really recovered from that blow.

“Laura, how nice of you to see us,” Kirk said with a tight smile.

“Nonsense! Of course, I’ll always see old friends!”

From the corner of his eye, Kirk saw McCoy twitch in pain. Old friends, indeed! As if McCoy and Laura had never been intimate.

“Please!” Laura said brightly. “Be seated.” She indicated chairs in front of her mahogany desk.

The two men waited until she had seated herself before they each settled into the plain wooden chairs she‘d indicated. A lady always seated herself first.

Kirk happened to glance at McCoy to see how he was coping. Kirk never saw McCoy's face. Instead, he jerked and sucked his breath in sharply.

“James, you seem startled by something,” Laura said brightly. “Is there a problem with Len?”

“No, ma’am. Laura, I mean. I hadn’t seen that picture when I came in.” He nodded toward the wall. “It startled me, that ‘s all. I apologize. I wasn‘t expecting anything so--dramatic.”

McCoy turned in curiosity, jerked also, and leaned toward Kirk for protection. “What in the hell is that?!” he demanded, quite forgetting his manners.

Laura laughed lightly. “It’s a painting, silly! It’s called ‘The Scream’ by the Norwegian artist Edvard Munch.”

“What’s his problem?” McCoy demanded. “He looks terrified.”

“The painter said he heard the scream of nature one day on a fjord,” Laura explained. “But I prefer to believe that it is the primal scream of a soul in torment.”

“I’ve heard of the painting,” McCoy said. “I wouldn’t use it to decorate the wall of an office, though. Damn thing gives me the chills.”

“Oh, Len!” Laura clapped her hands together with glee. “Such a kidder!”

“A kidder?!“ McCoy looked at Kirk. “Would you characterize me as a kidder? Have you ever known me to be a kidder?”

Kirk shrugged. “I don’t want to contradict a lady, but, no, I’ve never known you to be a kidder. Of course, Laura and I never had the same relationship with you.” Kirk glanced at the painting again. “I’ve seen something like that myself, except it wasn't a painting. Reminds me of a salt vampire we ran into once.”

McCoy nodded. “Oh, yeah. There is a resemblance, isn't there? I didn’t like that damn thing, either.”

“I still like the painting,“ Laura said with a complacent smile. “And it stays.“ Once again, she used the voice that allowed no argument.

“Well, of course, Laura,“ Kirk agreed. “It is your office.“

“That it is. The painting arouses pathos, don‘t you believe?“ 

“It arouses something, that’s for sure,“ McCoy muttered.

“Len, Len, Len, still judgmental, I see.“ Then she lightened and gave him and Kirk a warm smile. “As I was saying, how nice it is to be seeing old friends again! We must catch up with all the news!” she gushed. 

“It’s been rather quiet,” Kirk answered. 

“Just work,” McCoy mumbled.

“Well, if I can’t get you to gossip, you must tell me how I may help you then,” she said brightly.

“I have come to see how Khan Noonien Singh is doing.”

“Oh? He’s right as rain, as they say in the movies! Why do you ask, James?”

“Well, I am in charge of him. I was ordered to take care of his welfare by Section 31 back at Starfleet.”

“I have contacted Section 31, James, and Khan is now in my care.”

So, Spock’s information was correct. As if Kirk should have ever doubted it.

Kirk shifted in his chair. “Well, I hate to differ with you, Laura. But until I receive official notification from Starfleet, Khan is still my responsibility.”

“You may call them now,” she said brightly. “But I believe you will find my information to be correct.”

“Be that as it may, you won’t mind if I do check on that detail for myself? About his welfare?”

“Of course, James!” She favored him with a brilliant smile. “But I believe that you will find that Starfleet will agree that a wife still has more say-so in her husband’s welfare than any mere captain does.”

“Husband?!” McCoy sputtered.

“That is correct, Len. Khan and I are married.”

“But you and I never divorced!”

She gave him a pitying look. “Oh, Len, darling. We were never married.”

“Never married?! But--”

Kirk put a placating hand on his sputtering friend. “Bones--”

“I ought to know if I got married! I know a few facts might escape me with my drinking and all, but I‘m pretty damn certain that you and I got married to each other, Laura!”

“Darling! We went through a perfectly beautiful ceremony here on Narsarya B!”

“That’s right!”

“But we were never married!”

“As far as I was concerned, we were married!”

“And I felt the same way, Len, darling! We had some truly wonderful months together! We were great companions and colleagues.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “And you are a lusty lover, my dear. Why, I had to rid myself of at least two fetuses fathered by you.”

McCoy paled to dead white. “You killed two of my unborn children?” he asked in hollow tones. Any love for her, or sorrow of losing her love, died with that question.

Beside him, Kirk grimaced in sympathy. He knew what those children would have meant to McCoy. It would have been a second chance for him to be a father, something he had missed when Joanna was small and he was gone so much from home.

Laura shrugged. “You thought I had the flu.” She smiled, remembering. “You were so attentive. I felt very treasured. You were so good to me, Len.”

McCoy winced. She’d never had a thought about her lost children. What kind of unnatural woman was she? The mothering instinct was standard equipment in females, or so McCoy always thought. Apparently not in this female.

“Khan isn’t as attentive,” she complained. “All he thinks about is his crew. But I'll change that. When they get here, I’ll take them off life support and give them a proper funeral. Then Khan will be free to think about me, as he should.”

“That isn’t what Khan wants,” Kirk interrupted. “He wants to awaken his crew, give them a new home here, and let the planet rehabilitate them.”

“He’ll want what I tell him he wants,” Laura said with the hard edge to her voice, then she softened it with a little flirty look in her eyes. “You men are all alike. It takes us women to let you know what you really want.”

“If you harm his crew, he’ll take your head off,” Kirk warned.

“Oh, James!” she declared, bursting out laughing. “You are such a card! The Khan I know would never do that!”

“The Khan I know would. I’ve seen him do it. I‘ve seen him crush a man‘s skull between his hands.”

Laura looked at him levelly. “He won’t anymore.”

Kirk felt a distinct chill around his heart and felt actual concern for Khan. He most certainly felt pity.

“Might we see Khan?”

She gave him a sly look. “I don’t know if I can permit that, James.”

Kirk realized he’d better not challenge her too much. “Just as old acquaintances, perhaps?”

“I didn’t realize that you and Khan were ever friends, James. I thought maybe you two had skipped the friendship part and went on to being lovers.”

“We, ah, never, ah, did anything.” Kirk squirmed. He didn’t like this conversation, at all. Laura knew him too well.

“Oh? You just liked the flirting with him?” she asked with a wicked smile. “That’s what I always figured you were good at. Nothing permanent from you. That‘s what I told Khan. He agreed.”

Kirk grimaced. Khan and Laura had the same opinion of him. Maybe they had a reason. Maybe they were right.

“Besides,” Laura continued. “I thought that you Starfleet people haven’t always been the best allies of Khan’s. Especially you, James.”

“Well, I’ve had my encounters with him. Len, too. We have a history with Khan which hasn‘t always been the most peaceful. But we do respect each other. Worthy opponents, and all that?” He shrugged. “I’d like to see him, just to maybe shoot the breeze? What could be the harm in that?”

“None, of course. Tell you what,” she said with sudden interest. “Come to the house for dinner this evening, and we’ll discuss it further.” 

McCoy’s mouth dropped open as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Socializing as if nothing had ever happened?! Kirk shot him a look. McCoy closed his mouth.

She clasped her hands together in glee. “I know! We’ll have a party! Just the four of us! Just like old times!”

Kirk frowned. McCoy and she had probably had a lot of party evenings together. Back when they were making babies for her to destroy.

McCoy must have been similar thoughts. His face had gone dead white again.

“Oh! Dancing! We must have dancing! You remember, James! How we danced?!”

“Of course,” he agreed with a fond smile, as if he, too, was reliving a treasured memory. “Dancing across the veranda to Irving Berlin music. ‘Cheek to Cheek.’ ‘Change Partners.’ Those were wonderful occasions. Everyone one was there, but Fred and Ginger.” His smile deepened, as if his heart was filled with nostalgia. “Their spirit was with us, though.”

"Yes! Wasn't it?!" Her blue, blue eyes shone with excitement. “Oh, it will be so much fun! Just me and three handsome men!” She looked around, puzzled. “There were four of you last time. Who is missing?”

“Mr. Spock. He couldn’t travel. He is recuperating from injuries he sustained several weeks ago.”

She looked sympathetic. “Oh, poor Mr. Spock! I hate that he isn’t here! He was so elegant and gentlemanly! I so wanted to have a tryst with him!” She wrinkled her nose in glee. “I bet I could really set him wild in bed, if I wanted! Those reserved ones are the most adventuresome, once they get started.”

Kirk and McCoy both blinked in shock. No lady they knew ever talked like that to casual acquaintances. True, McCoy had been her husband. But Kirk hadn’t been. And he definitely was not wanting to part of THAT elite group. Not now.

“Ah, yes! Mr. Spock! I bet I could make him howl like a coyote and beg like a stud dog for it!”

Neither man wanted her to define what ’it’ was. They each had their own idea, and they really didn‘t need more details from her.

But Laura wasn’t finished describing her fantasy with Spock. She hugged herself and spun in her chair. “I’d have him baying at the moon, even! I‘d curl those ears down for him! He‘d look like the rest of us before I‘m finished with him!”

Kirk hoped by ‘the rest of us’, she didn’t mean women. He didn’t need any details along those lines from her. He didn’t need much of an imagination to understand what she might possibly mean. What bothered him was how she proposed to make those changes. Kirk bet she had a plan, though. And none of it would be pleasant for Spock.

Kirk leaped from his chair, and McCoy followed. “Well, it sounds like a date then! Tonight. Dinner for four. With dancing to follow.”

She stopped her chair and appraised them with unblinking eyes. “I believe I didn’t specify tonight.”

Kirk glanced at McCoy, and sputtered. “Well, if that isn’t convenient--”

“No, tonight will be fine. Then you can return home tomorrow to check on Mr. Spock. I’m sure you are concerned about him. Then, when he is able to travel, he can come for a visit.” She stared at Kirk with unblinking eyes. “Alone.”

“Well. Let’s see what this evening brings, shall we?” Kirk managed to say as he edged toward the door with McCoy following.

“This evening, gentlemen,” she agreed with amusement on her face. “I’ll arrange for some nice Southern food to be prepared. It’ll be a real down home occasion.”

“Yes. Sounds lovely. We‘d like that,” Kirk said, trying to exit gracefully, yet quickly, and all the while, pushing McCoy ahead of him. “Until this evening,” he said and ducked out the door.

Out in the hallway, Kirk leaned back against the closed door with the doorknob in both hands. He pulled his head back, breathed hard through his opened mouth, and looked aghast at McCoy. McCoy’s face mirrored his in horror.

McCoy opened his mouth to say something.

“No, shh,” Kirk cautioned and shoved McCoy down the hallway until they were safely away from Laura’s office door. Then he stopped. “What the hell was that?!” he demanded. “Have you ever seen her act like that?!”

McCoy frowned. “Never.”

“What’s wrong?!”

“She sounds insane.” And McCoy’s frown deepened. “That guy screaming in the picture on the wall? He probably has a reason.”

“Poor bastard has probably gotten to witness a lot of those kinds of scenes from Laura, and she hasn‘t been working in this building that long.“ Kirk shot a horrified look back at Laura’s office door. “Let’s get out of here.”

 

Back at their two bedroom apartment, they sat nursing their own thoughts as they drank the excellent bourbon that really wasn’t registering with either one of them.

“I’ve never seen anything like that, Bones.”

“I wonder if it is insanity, or the effects of this planet. I swear, Jim, she wasn’t this cold and calculating when I fell in love with her.”

“Yeah, and I bet she wasn’t as hung up on Fred and Ginger back then, either.”

McCoy frowned. “No. Of course not. She just liked the era of the Thirties. Hell, I did, too. It kind of reflected our Southern roots. We were just two Georgia exiles making an island of home out here in the hinterland.” He reflected for a few moments. “It was good with us, Jim. I swear it was. We were friends. We’d had similar childhoods and backgrounds. But it‘s over. I can see that now. I don’t know if this is psychosis or the planet affecting her, but she is certainly delusional. She’ll probably get worse, too.”

“Poor Khan!” Kirk looked at McCoy. “Imagine me, saying that?”

“I feel sorry for any bastard caught in her web. Even Khan.“ McCoy frowned at his drink. “She killed my children. Can you beat that?” 

“I’m sorry, Bones.“

His smile was bitter. “Yeah. Me, too. I always wanted a son. Fishing and baseball and all that.”

“Bones. You aren’t athletic now. Becoming a father doesn’t automatically make you into a sportsman.”

McCoy‘s face hardened. “When did you suddenly become a realist?”

“About an hour ago when I was talking to Laura Kessler.”

“Yeah, boys,” McCoy said fondly as he leaned back. Then his smile saddened. “Or girls. Two little girls. I’d like that. Narie and Sara.”

“You already have them named?”

“It’s for the planet, Narsarya B. Of course, Narie is really Lunaria. For the moon, it would mean. But Narie would hate her real name and would insist on a nickname. She‘d be obstinate like that. Very opinionated." His eyes twinkled at Kirk. "I have no idea where she could‘ve gotten that trait.”

Kirk grinned. “Me, neither.” He thought for a moment. “What’s wrong with calling her Lou? Or Rhea?”

“Oh, she’d let her Uncle Jim call her either of those, because he was her Uncle Jim. And the sun and stars would rise and set on her Uncle Jim.” 

Kirk smiled proudly.

McCoy smiled sadly into the far corner of the room. “But her daddy would call her ‘Narie,’ because that would be his special name for his special little girl.”

“And if the children were boys? What would be their names, then?”

McCoy stirred himself. “Oh, that would be easy. They’d be Jim and Spock.”

Kirk laughed. “You’d call an Earthling child ‘Spock?’”

“I see what you mean. Not a name for an Earthling child, I guess. Well, ‘Spock’ would just have to be his middle name then.”

“What’s his first name, then? Lenny?” he asked with laughter in his voice.

“Easy again. Kirk.”

Kirk looked at him with tears suddenly stinging his eyes. Damn bourbon was making him sentimental. “You would name both of your sons after me?”

McCoy swallowed a big mouthful of his drink. “Yep. What else than to be named after their godfather.” 

“Godfather, too. Wow!“ Kirk said in awe. 

McCoy looked at Kirk. “Of course, I’d expect you to name your son after me, too.”

“’Bones?’ I don’t know. He might not be able to live up to that name. Boner?”

McCoy gave him a wicked look. “Jim Kirk’s son? No sweat!”

Kirk gave him a flirty look. “You make an excellent point, sir.”

“And so would he,” McCoy answered with a sly look on his face.

“Ouch! You’re back!”

“Yeah,” McCoy agreed with a satisfied smile. “And it feels great.”

“That’s good. You had me scared there for a minute. Maybe you can do a huge favor for me, after all.”

“What makes me think I’m going to regret this?” McCoy muttered.

Kirk looked at McCoy slyly. “I don’t know. You might consider it an opportunity. It involves Laura and revenge.”

McCoy sat up with interest. “Amuse me, sir.”

“How would you like to be my wingman this evening?”

“What are you saying?”

“Would you be willing to distract Laura long enough for me to talk to Khan?”

“Is he too far under her thumb for you to get through to him?”

“I don’t know. I can only try.”

“Won’t Laura be suspicious? If I start getting attentive again? I certainly am not charmed by her anymore. Why should I be? She lied about our marriage, she dumped me for another man, and she killed my unborn children. How could I possibly convince her that I’m still wanting to be around her? Let alone allowing her to live?”

“That’s where your tremendous acting talents will come into the picture. Just make her think that she‘s back in the Thirties and is being royally romanced by a great Hollywood actor.”

“I’m a doctor, not John Barrymore!”

“There!” Kirk said, slapping him on the shoulder. “There’s that sense of humor of yours that I’ve been missing!”

“What sense of humor?!” McCoy barked. “I’m just stating a fact! And a damn obvious one, if you ask me,” he grumbled.

“The old curmudgeon has arrived! Everyone knows your bark is worse than your bite!“ Kirk slapped his arm again. “It just makes you so warm and cuddly!”

“Now, YOU’RE getting strange! Are you taking your immunity pills?!”

“Not for several days. I’m saving them up for Khan. And it’d help, too, if you gave me yours.”

“Sure, but--”

“Would it hurt him if he took a whole handful of these pills at once?”

“How the hell would I know that?! That kind of testing has never been done! For all I know, you might stop his heart!”

“But it would get him out of the clutches of that woman, wouldn’t it?”

“Possibly. Or put him in the ground forever. If you’re trying to rescue Khan, you’d better not kill him to get the job done. That would kind of defeat the purpose of this rescue mission then, wouldn’t it?”

“Bones, you and your pessimism.”

“That’s not pessimism! That’s realism! Over-medicate a man, you can get a dead man for your effort. You can’t get any more real than that. I know dead. I‘ve seen it a lot.” He watched Kirk bustling around, getting ready for the evening. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“I always like action, instead of thinking about a problem.”

McCoy frowned. “It’s more than that, isn’t it? You just want to get your hands on Khan, don’t you?”

Kirk gave him a lazy smile. “If that’s a consequence of this evening, so be it.” He gave McCoy a flirty look. “Who knows what may happen this evening?”

McCoy hooted with disdain. “You're talking Fate?! Happenstance?! You’re no more a victim of fate than the man in the moon!”

Kirk winked. “And, hopefully, a lot luckier. Now, rest up. You might have to take your acting ability all the way to the stars! So, just in case, take protection. I’m sure you don’t want to give Laura any more of your children.”

“Damn straight on that one,” McCoy muttered.


	5. Chapter 5

Jim Kirk and Khan Noonien Singh stood in the semi-shadows on the veranda and watched as Leonard McCoy and Laura Kessler whirled without seeming effort across the flagstone. The music of Irving Berlin’s Blue Skies floated around them as evening slowly closed over the grounds of Laura‘s home.

“This house looks so much like McCoy’s,” Kirk remarked. “Well, what I‘ve seen of it. Entry hall with the checkered flooring. Office. Dining room. Veranda with the piped in Irving Berlin music.”

“Laura planned it that way,” Khan answered near him. “This house is a duplicate of the other one, hers and McCoy‘s.”

“Well, I guess that makes it more homey, wouldn’t it? No new house plan to get used to. No stairway where there hadn’t been one before. Or strange doorways leading nowhere.” Kirk wondered vaguely why he was discussing architecture when he had so much to discuss with Khan.

“It’s a wonderful treat that you got to be with us this evening,” Khan said.

What the hell?! Oh, yeah, he and Khan were supposed to talk nicely to each other while McCoy distracted Laura. Then when she was really distracted, Kirk was supposed to really talk to Khan. Why couldn’t Kirk keep that simple plan in his mind? He’d formulated it, after all. Could it be the fact that he’d been off his immunity pills for several days, and the lotus flowers were working their magic on him? Could it be that damn music playing around him and that couple swaying so suggestively to it? Could it be that after Kirk had pined for Khan for so long, here was the object of his distraction just inches from him and looking damn available? Kirk was sure he could come up with a fourth reason. Maybe he already had four and didn’t realize it. Couldn’t the music be one and the swaying couple be another, or did they really only count as one?

And why in the hell when time was an important factor, why was Kirk counting reasons? Or discussing architecture? That song could last only so long, and then Laura would be hunting for a fresh partner. 

Then the music did change, but McCoy kept on dancing with Laura. Kirk had started forward toward them, then had awkwardly checked himself.

“Kirk, are you alright?” Khan hissed as he saw Kirk swaying.

Focus, Kirk told himself. “They do paint a picture, don’t they?” Kirk mumbled from the side of his mouth. For the casual observer, as Laura was, he was simply smiling graciously at the lovely couple on the dance floor.

“You and McCoy do amaze me, Kirk,” Khan mouthed back.

“How is that?”

“I expected McCoy to be glaring at Laura like she wants to open a leper colony on his front lawn and he‘s going to stop her at all costs. But he’s practically got stars in his eyes for her this evening. It’s like they’re the only ones here.”

“Ah, yes, Bones is good in summer stock when he’s back on Earth, too.”

“So, he’s pretending?”

“I finally told him to remember how he used to feel about her. That really isn’t acting that he‘s showing us. He probably won’t need much effort for what he has to do later.”

Khan started to turn to Kirk, then remembered that they weren’t supposed to be talking openly and stopped. “He’s taking her to bed?”

“That’s the plan. Why? Are you jealous?”

“You might not believe this, Kirk, but the lady in question and I have never partaken of the joys of the conjugal bed.”

“Really?” It was Kirk’s turn to stop himself from looking at Khan with surprise. “There’s grounds for divorce right there, in you’re so inclined. Or at least an annulment. Interesting. She lived with McCoy without the benefit of marriage. Now she’s married to you without doing anything about it. I believe that a certain amount of companionship, and other neat stuff, needs to be done before the union can be considered bona fide.” This time a certain twinkling in Kirk’s eyes could be noted if one looked for it, which, happily at the moment, Laura was not. “What happened? Did the lady back off at the last moment?”

“No. I did.”

“Really?!” Again, Kirk nearly turned in surprise. He wouldn’t have blamed Khan for responding to Laura’s advances. She was an enchanting and beautiful woman. “Did the prim and proper Victorian maiden came out in you? Or did you finally get some principles in that area? If you did, that’s the most amazing thing I’ve heard in awhile.”

“No, Kirk, the most amazing thing is why I couldn’t do it.”

And just the way Khan said it, made Kirk’s skin crawl. In a good way.

“I made a mistake, Jim Kirk. I should never have left with Laura. She can’t help me and my crew. She can’t negotiate with Section 31 or with the inhabitants of this planet. And she’s getting more lost in her fantasy all the time.“

“That’s four, that’s the limit.“

“Those are only the official reasons.“

Kirk’s head began to buzz. “Oh.“ 

“There’s more personal reasons.“

“Oh.“ Oh, hell, personal reasons.

Kirk was frozen to the spot. How long had he wanted to hear what Khan was going to say next? At least, what he hoped Khan was going to say next? Dare Kirk hope that HE was the reason Khan had never bedded Laura?

“Very personal reasons.“ Khan’s voice was soft and intimate, almost caressing. “I know now that she‘s not what I needed. Or wanted.”

Then Kirk felt compelling eyes boring into his body, and he flushed.

“She could never come close to satisfying me. She‘s not interested in my desires. Only hers. And hers really don‘t include me anymore. We‘re compatible enemies. I need to be rescued. Is that why you‘re really here? I hoped you‘d come, you know. To, rescue me. It‘s good to see you.”

Kirk felt Khan‘s eyes flickering over him again in the sudden quiet. “Get your eyes off me!” Kirk managed to say.

“Why? Laura can’t see me at the moment.”

“I’m not thinking about Laura.”

“Neither am I. You see, before I left the other side of the planet, I had been around someone else who had stirred my interest. And I hadn’t been able to explore the possibilities of that relationship. But I stupidly turned my back on what was being offered. I thought I could walk away and forget that person. But I find I cannot. In fact, that’s all I can think about.” His voice grew hushed. “That song they are dancing to right now? I only have eyes for you? That’s my dilemma.”

Kirk halfway glanced at him and decided to take a change to speak freely. “If you take that question mark away from that song title and make that a statement, you might find that the ‘someone else’ would be very interested, also.”

“All right,” Khan said softly. “No question mark.”

Kirk‘s heart was thudding. “How about an exclamation point?” he croaked out.

“How about two?” Khan whispered.

“Khan--” Forgetting, he started to turn, and found a small hand on his arm.

“James!” Laura declared. “I must insist that we dance this next one together!”

Kirk glanced at McCoy who looked apologetic. Kirk tried to look flirty at Laura and almost succeeded. “Why, I would be delighted, Laura.“ He sounded a little hollow, even to himself. But he was trying to go by the plan. But how could he when Khan had just more or less made a startling confession to him. Kirk wanted to hear more from Khan. He wanted to tell more to Khan. But here he was with Laura Kessler looking eagerly at him, instead. If he took a misstep now, he could ruin forever their changes for rescuing Khan. How come he felt like a sacrificial goat? Maybe it was because he was. “Are you certain that you want to dance ‘Cheek to Cheek’ with me?” 

“Certainly, James!” Her face was flushed and excited. “Such an evening! Three handsome gentlemen, and you are all mine!”

As Kirk led her forward, he hoped with a chill that she was not literally correct.

As he led Laura through the tricky steps, he saw McCoy covertly talking with Khan, probably filling Khan in about other information. That Section 31 would like to make this planet a penal colony. That Laura planned to give Khan’s crew a new home alright, an unmarked cemetery somewhere out in the desert away from anybody who would ever care for it.. That neither one of those agendas would make for a happy, new home for Khan’s crew. Kirk also hoped that McCoy was also telling Khan of the immediate plan that he and Kirk were going to try to rescue Khan. At least, that’s what Kirk hoped that McCoy and Khan were discussing, and not fleshing out the details of their duel at first light. That would really thrill the hell out of Laura, to have two good looking men dueling over her. It wouldn’t do a thing for Jim Kirk, though. He had a vested interest in both guys. He loved them both and didn’t want to lose either one.

Kirk wondered absently why he hadn’t said any of those things to Khan when that was supposed to be the plan. About now, McCoy was probably wondering what Kirk and Khan had been discussing. Because it sure as hell seemed like they hadn’t been talking business.

“My, James, how silent you are this evening,” Laura scolded.

James brought himself back to the present situation. He was supposed to be flirting with Laura. He forced a sexy look on his face. “Sorry. Deep in thought. My apologies to a lady. I‘ve been neglecting you.”

“You were probably thinking about your dear friend, Mr. Spock. Len never did explain exactly how he had been injured, just that he couldn‘t accompany you.”

Kirk agilely sidestepped that one. “Oh, he’s much better now, Laura.” He sure as hell wasn’t going to try to explain THAT situation. If McCoy couldn’t, how could he? “I’ll extend your best wishes to Mr. Spock for a speedy recovery when I see him.”

“Please, do. And when you visit me again, please feel free to invite Mr. Spock to accompany you. I’d like to get better acquainted with him. I do believe that we could get quite close. He seems so lonesome and so needy.”

Laura wanted to adopt Spock now?! “I’ll do that, ma’am. Laura. I‘m certain that Mr. Spock would like to know about your concern for him.” And Kirk would like to be a fly on the wall when Laura advanced on Spock. Spock, the Gentleman vs. Spock, the Guy Cornered by a Touchy, Feely Woman. That might be worth a month’s pay to watch the outcome of that situation. Hell, two months.

“And I would like you to do something else for me, too, James, if you would.”

He gave her his best Southern gentleman smile that he had learned from McCoy. “Certainly. A gentleman is always ready to serve a lady.”

Laura sighed. “Khan has grown tedious to me. He’s so wrapped up in his concern over his crew. Sometimes it is just plain aggravating. Have you ever noticed that about him?”

“Yes, ma’am, I have. Sometimes, I’d just like him to extend his interests further.” Kirk said that vehemently. No truer words were ever spoken by him, except I love you, Mother, and Who is that lovely young girl who just walked in the door?

“I don’t know what I ever saw in him. Now, Len, on the other hand, I don’t know why I ever let him go. He was always so attentive and pleasing to me.”

Kirk had to concentrate on his footing, because what Laura was telling him was distracting the hell out of him. But he decided to talk up McCoy. That would definitely go along with The Plan.

“Yes, ma’am. Laura. There’s no comparison between the two.”

“That’s why I would appreciate it if you would occupy Khan while I spend more time with Len this evening.”

Kirk did mess up his footing then. “Sorry, Laura,” he said as he untangled their arms and legs. “I believe I will be able to comply with your request.“ He wanted to shout his agreement and throw Laura toward McCoy, but he managed to restrain himself. 

“Thank you, James. You are indeed a gentleman.“

He gazed at her and felt several emotions including sorrow and gratitude, but mainly admiration. He raised her hand to his lips and thanked her for the dance while she smiled back at him. She was a gracious lady, perhaps just a little crazy, though.

Then he jubilantly grabbed her hand and led her off the dance floor. “Dr. McCoy,” he said as he handed Laura over to his friend. “I believe that you better take over for me. My magic footwork is failing me.”

“Len. Darling.” Laura reached for his hand.

McCoy gave Kirk a questioning look as they passed each other.

“I hope you brought more than one of your little buddies with you,” Kirk whispered. “You’re going to need them.”

McCoy looked startled, and Kirk winked. Then McCoy looked satisfied, and Kirk didn’t know if McCoy had an evening of loving planned ahead of him or an evening of revenge. Could be a combination, he decided. Kirk wouldn’t blame him. At that point, though, Kirk didn’t care much about McCoy’s evening. Only his. And Khan’s. Because his would be nothing without Khan.

McCoy danced away with Laura, and Kirk headed for the door. He openly snagged Khan’s arm by the elbow in passing and pulled Khan into the house.

“What the--” Khan started. “Laura--”

“Forget her.”

“But--”

“Did McCoy talk to you?”

“Yes, and he wondered what we’d talked about and I said architecture and music. And he looked sternly at me and mumbled something about this damn planet and Kirk not taking his pills--”

“Listen, plans have changed. McCoy doesn’t know. Play it by ear. Follow my lead.”

“But--”

Kirk reached up and kissed Khan full on the mouth. Khan grunted in surprise, then reached out to touch Kirk’s face. Kirk stepped closer into an embrace, then he grinned like an idiot as he broke the kiss and pulled away. “Gosh, I’ve wanted to do that for a long time!”

“I’ve wanted it, too. I just wish I would have known it was headed my way.”

“What did you think about it?”

“Not the best first kiss I’ve ever had, but certainly the most anticipated.”

“Open your mouth! Here it comes again!”

That involved a lot of moaning and clumsy groping from two pairs of hands.

“Damn it, Kirk!” Khan said as he broke the kiss. “Did Laura’s craziness rub off on you just by dancing with her?!”

Kirk grabbed Khan’s arm again. “Quick. Where’s your room?”

“No time for that!” Khan pushed Kirk into the nearest door and slammed it shut behind them. It was Laura’s office.

“I don’t like this place,” Kirk complained as he glanced around the shadowy room. “I felt like I was having my balls handed to me on a platter by a very aggressive lady in here today.”

“Shut up!” He slammed Kirk’s face into the wall. 

The horrible painting from that afternoon stared Kirk in the face. Kirk wasn’t expecting that encounter. He made a noise that no grown man should ever make.

“What‘s wrong? Am I choking you?”

“It‘s that damn painting! It‘s screaming right at me!”

Khan maneuvered them both aside awkwardly. “Better?”

“I know it‘s staring at me.”

“Forget it. Maybe it’s a voyeur. Maybe its after better technique.”

“Now it’s screaming at me!”

“Will you just--”

“Khan--”

“I don’t like this place, either. But right now, I’m loving it! It‘s dark, and you‘re in here with me!” 

“That’s just two reasons--“

“Shut up, Kirk!“ Listening wasn’t Khan’s primary concern at the moment. He started tearing at Kirk’s clothing. 

“Hey! Will you just stop that?!” Kirk tried to help with the tangle of clothing, but felt he really wasn’t.

“Shut up!”

“Will you watch what you’re doing? That’s a very expensive pair of trousers. I can take them off the same way they went on, if you‘d just give me a chance. And we don‘t have to stay in this room that we both hate. We could go to your room with its soft, comfy bed--” 

“Why in the hell are you talking so much, Kirk?! And why in the hell are these pants being such a problem?!“

Kirk heard ripping material and sighed as he felt cool air swirl around his nether region. “That WAS a very expensive pair of trousers,” he amended with sorrow.

Then Kirk had a whole new set of problems. Khan hooked his finger into the crotch of Kirk’s shorts and turned those into a really short mini skirt. “Hey, those were new, too,” he complained with little hope that Khan would even hear him. He didn’t.

Then Khan shoved Kirk two ways at once: legs apart, head into the wall. That bastard has done that move before, Kirk thought in admiration. Then Kirk stopped thinking and started only feeling. Khan had made the waiting all worth while. Kirk only hoped that Khan could understand his gratitude. He had a feeling, though, that he was only babbling.

It didn’t last long. And it really wasn’t loving.

“Damn it, Khan. That first time leaves a lot of room for improvement. Haven’t you ever heard of foreplay?” Kirk asked as he straightened up. 

“That’s what the session at the waterfall was for.”

“I did cool down a little in between, you know.”

“Odd,” Khan said with burning eyes. “I didn’t. In fact--” He reached for Kirk’s shoulder.

“Now, wait, damn it! I insist that we hunt up your bed. My shoulders are sore enough. Another area is, too, but that would’ve gotten sore in the softest bed, I expect.”

“Laura--”

“Laura wanted me to distract you while she has her way with McCoy.”

“Huh?”

“She’s got the hots for McCoy again. You disappointed her. You were supposed to perform once in awhile, Casanova. That kind of neglect eventually turns the most ardent female off. So, she’s through with you. She doesn’t give a damn what we do. Where we do it. Or how often we do it. Now, I, on the other hand--”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?!”

“I tried to. You seemed distracted by your own agenda, though.”

“So we could go up to my room--”

“Now, you’re getting the picture.”

“But what about my people?”

“Let them get their own room. Just as long as it isn’t yours.”

“Is she willing to let my people go?”

“How come I just thought of the Hebrew Bible? You know, the Old Testament?” He scowled. “And Moses?”

“What are you babbling about, Kirk?”

“Beats the hell out of me. I’ve been off my pills.”

“I’ve heard about that from McCoy. Let’s see if this helps you focus any better.” He grabbed Kirk in a kiss.

Oh, wow! Now, THAT was worth waiting for!

More!

Much, much more!

But Kirk broke it. “Damn it! You’ve got to listen!” Then he paused. “Hmm. Don’t forget how you just did that. I’d like a repeat.”

“Me, too! Of everything!” Khan roared.

“Ooh!“ Kirk cooed. “Is Khanie getting turned on?” he asked playfully.

“I’ve never been turned off! Damn it, Kirk! Don’t play hard to get!”

“Who’s playing?!” Kirk asked in confusion. “What are we playing, anyway?” He looked around, perplexed. “Where are we?”

“I swear, if I ever get you off this planet, you’re not going to get to come back here!”

He gave Khan a slapdash look. “Are we going somewhere, Khanie?”

“My room, supposedly!” He hooked Kirk around the waist and headed down the hallway with him.

“Oh, yeah, your room.” But Kirk stopped and turned around. “But Bones is back there with The Spider Woman from Hell. Won’t he need help?”

“Not as much as I’m needing help!” Khan roared. “Come on!”

“Poor Khan! He’s so cute when he gets stirred up.” Much to Khan’s annoyance, Kirk stopped at the bottom of the staircase and waved back outside. “’Night, ’night, Bones. Have fun with Madame Pidey!“ 

Then he seemed to remember Khan, focused, pulled Khan close, and sounded remarkably sane. “I got a plan I think you might like. Let’s go find that damn room of yours. Then we’ll make a deal. You forget your people. I’ll forget my people. Just for a little while.” He messed with the top bottom on Khan’s dress shirt. “Just for a little while, let’s make each other the only people in the universe. We’ll take things real slow,” he whispered. “I want to feel you in me for a really long time. A really, R-E-A-L-L-Y long time. Could you do for me? Huh? Huh?” 

Khan was lost in Kirk’s fantasy, too. “I could try. Hell, I want to try!“

“Just you and me. Nobody else. Let’s please each other.” Kirk looked up at Khan with blazing eyes. “What do you think of that plan? Huh? Pretty good, huh?”

Kirk had never seen Khan smile before. A sweet, genuine smile. It seemed to take a hundred years off his age.

“Just so I can get some sleep,” Khan said as he led the way upstairs. 

“Not part of the plan.” Kirk’s sleepiness was back.

There was that wonderful, charming smile again. “I don’t mean now. I mean later, when we’re separated.”

“Not part of the plan, either.”

“I know. But there will come times. Bathroom breaks, for starters.”

“You sleep in the bathroom?” Kirk asked in awe.

“You’re not tracking well, Kirk. You really have to get back on those pills. McCoy said it was making you a little goofy. First time I‘ve ever agreed with anything he ever said. Something about you were saving them for me so I wouldn‘t turn into a vegetable.” He smiled at Kirk. “That‘s kind of sweet, actually.”

Kirk gave him a lazy smile. “Always take care of my baby.”

Khan stopped and frowned at him. “What? Do you even know who you’re with? I’m Khan, remember? Scourge of the universe.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Just so you’re the scourge of my body. I don’t give a damn about the rest of the universe. Let them get their own scourges. You’re taken. I’m interested in only you tonight, understand? Just you, Sweetie.” He jabbed a finger emphatically into Khan’s chest. “You!”

Khan shook his head with exasperation, grabbed Kirk, and started down the hallway again. “You really have to get back on those pills. Last time you guys got messed up with this place, McCoy said that the planet just made you horny as hell, and now this.”

“Yep,” Kirk agreed with a happy smile of remembrance. “Little ladies and I had a real good time. In a few years, at Kindergarten roundup, I should be the only daddy who has the right to show up. I lowered the gene pool around here by a W-H-O-L-E lot.”

“I don’t know, Kirk,” Khan said with disgust. “I think I liked you a whole lot better when you were pissed off at me.”

“I know what you mean. It was more gallant somehow, wasn’t it? Just two guys squaring off and beating the hell out of each other. There’s something beautiful in that, don’t you think? Women just don’t get it, though. They don’t understand the code that men live by.”

Khan frowned down at him. “The effects of this planet really need to be studied further. Symptoms don’t stay the same. You’re a prime example.”

Kirk gave him a slapdash smile. “That’s right. I’m not thinking of the ladies, at all.” He jabbed Khan’s chest again. “Just!” And jabbed again. “You!” 

Khan grimaced and grabbed his hand. “Will you stop doing that?! It’s starting to hurt. You keep hitting the same spot. Like some sort of demented woodpecker.” He shook Kirk. “Listen to me a minute, will you?”

The lazy smile with sleepy eyes were back. “Hmm?”

“McCoy told about the plan to get me out of here. We started thinking the plan had changed, though, as long as you were dancing with Laura.”

“Huh? Just one little ‘Cheek to Cheek,’ that‘s all.”

“You finished that one! And danced three others with her!”

“So, that’s why you got to talk so long to Bones.”

“I had time to read him a book!”

“Talking about a long time. How far is this room of yours?” Kirk frowned as he looked around. “We must’ve walked miles by now.”

Khan sighed. “You keep stopping, or I have to keep stopping you. And now you act like you’re falling asleep on your feet. That really isn’t good news to me. It‘s one way the planet is affecting you this time. It really seems to be catching up with you this evening.”

“Yeah,” Kirk agreed as he hung onto Khan. Now that Khan had mentioned it, he was sleepy. And he didn’t want to sleep. “What bothers your sleep?”

“What?”

“You said you couldn’t sleep sometimes. Why?”

“You keep yelling my name.”

“I do? I guess I have done that some, but not regularly.”

“Then you’re thinking it. I just know it comes through, loud and clear. It wakes me up. And I can’t sleep. I don‘t know if you‘re hurt. Or lonesome. Or horny. I just need to know what the problem is so I‘ll know how I can help you.”

“I’m glad I disturb you that much.”

“Oh, you do. Jim,” he said seriously as he paused at a door. “If you call me, I’ll hear you. I’ll want to know what you need. Remember that. And now.” He swept Kirk up into his arms. “The bridal chamber for my beloved.”

Kirk touched Khan’s chin with his finger. “I am your bride? I am beloved?”

“Oh, Jim Kirk, there are so many things I want you to know.”

“You’ve already whispered in my ear with that prelude,” Kirk said softly, then wrapped his arms around Khan’s neck. “Now, shout it to me with the main course!”

Khan grinned. “Gladly!”

Kirk’s eyes roamed over Khan’s handsome, relaxed face. “Just you? Just me?”

Khan’s grin deepened into a smile of kindness. “Yes, Jim Kirk. Tonight. Just you. Just me.”

Kirk closed his eyes and snuggled his face down into Khan’s neck, into the place he’d longed to snuggle for months. “Prove it!”

Khan's arms tightened around Kirk and he bent for a deep kiss.

Kirk eventually looked around. "Your room looks just like the hallway."

"You're going to have to get back on those pills."

"Just not tonight."

"No, not tonight. Nothing is coming between us tonight, Jim Kirk. Tonight is ours."

"Yeah!" Kirk agreed and snuggled into Khan's neck again as Khan kicked the door open to his room and swept inside with Kirk in his arms.

The strains of Irving Berlin echoed around the gardens at Laura’s clinic for hours and charmed the lovers inside as they had done for generations of lovers before them.

 

Kirk did not know if what he and Khan had done together had been an illusion or not. McCoy always said that sex and death were real, even on Narsarya B. But Kirk knew one thing for damn sure. It sure as hell hadn’t felt like an illusion when Khan had possessed him the second time that evening and for all of the other times that had followed during that magical night. Jim Kirk wasn’t certain about a whole lot of things in his life, but he was certain about this. He knew what a stiff prick felt like sawing into him, and that had been a stiff prick. One of the stiffest. Like it might have been frozen at one time, or still was.

He smiled in satisfaction. And it had belonged to Khan.

He didn’t know how Khan Noonien Singh felt on the subject, but as far as Jim Kirk was concerned, they were just getting started on something that he hoped would last a long time in their future. A long, L-O-N-G time!


	6. Chapter 6

The morning after started for Kirk and Khan sometime after eleven a.m.

“I think we missed breakfast,” Khan said as they stumbled downstairs.

“That’s odd. I thought we’d just had it.” He gave Khan a flirty look. “Wasn’t that a sausage I was just eating?”

That’s cute, Kirk thought as they entered the kitchen. Khan actually blushes. This planet is doing wonders for him.

McCoy looked up from his cup of coffee. “Hello, young lovers,” he mumbled.

“Speak for yourself. I expect the house has tired people all over it this morning. I know I am,” Kirk mumbled as he headed for the coffee pot. “Khan, honey, how do you take your coffee?”

“One cream. No sugar, please.” 

Kirk shot a look full of electricity at Khan. “I could always leave a kiss on the rim,” he murmured with a soft smile. “You wouldn’t mind that kind of sugar now, would you?”

Khan gave him an indulgent nod back.

McCoy looked with disdain at the domestic scene. 

“There are so many things a bride must learn,” Kirk simpered to McCoy who rolled his eyes in disgust. 

“I take it you guys weren‘t discussing politics last night,” McCoy mumbled.

Kirk grinned. “Far from it!” And how did things go with you and the creepy lady?” he asked McCoy.

McCoy took something out of his pocket and handed the condom to Kirk.

“You didn’t use any?” he asked with a frown. “You decided to chance it?”

“I didn’t have any use for any.”

“You didn’t?”

“Nope.”

“Aw! That’s a sad story!” Kirk turned to Khan. “McCoy didn’t get any!“

“McCoy didn’t want any,“ McCoy grumbled again.

“Aw! That’s sadder still!“ Kirk sat down, deflated. Then he grimaced and shifted his weight. “Damn! I forgot. That’s a little tender.”

“Do that very often and you won’t forget.” McCoy remarked.

“It isn‘t just the obvious place,” Kirk confided with a self-conscious, but satisfied look. “Khan indulged one of my fantasies. If you‘ve got any rugs that need to be beaten, he could probably get them clean with little or no effort. The man has a hand like a boat paddle.” He grimaced as he shifted his weight. “And about as hard.”

“Is that why his hand is reddened and bruised?” McCoy asked, then frowned in puzzlement as he looked up at Khan. “Khan blushes?”

“Yeah,” Kirk answered with a grin. “Ain’t it the cutest damn thing you’ve ever seen?” 

“It’s one of my top five,” McCoy agreed in awe. “And that’s including what I saw on my honeymoon with one of my wives. Half of her was artificial. Even--” He shrugged. “You know. I just kept getting bad surprises.” He frowned. “That made him blush?”

“He entertained me for hours doing that.”

McCoy shrugged. “If it’s all he did to entertain you, then you had a duller night than I did.”

Kirk rolled his eyes dramatically. “Oh, well, there were a few other activities that we enjoyed. But I won’t mention them now,” he said demurely.

“Thank you,” McCoy said dryly. “I appreciate that. I want to keep my breakfast down.”

“If you want any help keeping it up, I can give you a few suggestions. I can even show you.”

“I think you’re talking about something entirely different than my breakfast.”

“I think so too, Doctor.” Kirk winked broadly at McCoy. “I’ll show you something else. Khan, honey, give mama some sugar.”

And Khan bent, stroked Kirk’s face with the hand that had crushed the skull of Alexander Marcus, and kissed Kirk gently on the mouth.

“Now I’ll touch Khan on his--”

“Stop! I’ve seen enough! I didn’t ask for a porn show this early in the day.” He frowned as he looked at Khan. “Khan, I suggest that if you intend to be around Kirk for very long that you stop that damn blushing. He can be irrelevant as hell. Nothing is sacred to him.”

“I’m finding that out, Dr. McCoy. Right now it isn’t bothering me too much.”

“Give him time,” McCoy mumbled.

“But isn’t it great what’s happened, Bones?!“ Kirk demanded. “How about two of the worst guys in the universe squaring off in battle, and then settling everything in bed? That’s what’s happened here. Turns out we didn’t have that much to fight about, after all.” He smiled up at Khan. “I think it was sexual tension, all along.”

McCoy did an eye roll which Khan saw. Khan had the grace to look demure. At least he didn’t blush, McCoy noted. Maybe Khan was learning.

Kirk looked at McCoy. “That’s enough for last night’s winners. Now, tell me what happened between you and Laura? Besides nothing?”

McCoy shrugged. “I convinced her that Fred and Ginger had broken up, and that Fred was waiting for her back in Savannah.”

Kirk frowned. “And she fell for that?!”

“She leaves this afternoon. One of my college classmates is a psychiatrist in Savannah. He‘s meeting her plane. She‘ll be well taken care of at his facility. I wouldn‘t want it any other way. I thought a lot of her. Once.” 

“I know you did, Bones. I’m sorry this had to happen.“

“Thanks.” McCoy shoved his coffee aside. “She’s crazy as hell, Jim. This planet really did a job on her. If she could have stayed where she was with the effect of the flowers, it would’ve been okay. But she didn’t. Apparently, a person doesn’t reach a nice place where they’d like to be and level off. No, they keep going. We really have to determine where a stabilizing dosage of the immunity pills can be established. Laura won’t have that benefit. She loved her new world with its illusions and its fantasies. Then she simply stepped into her fantasy. And now she’s lost.”

“I’m sorry, Bones.”

“Don’t sympathize for me. Laura is simply one of those scientists whose life is sacrificed in the name of science. The same thing happened to Marie Curie.”

Kirk frowned. “So, how does this affect Khan and his crew? Do we take charge of him again, or what?”

“The planet’s elders want to meet with Khan to discuss just that. Me, I am going back to my clinic. I don’t know what you want to do, Jim, but I think you should go back with me.”

“Well, I don’t know, either,” Kirk said, looking between McCoy and Khan.

“Well, I suppose I could stay here longer if I was needed,” McCoy conceded. “And I would help Khan and his crew.” He got a hard look in his eyes. “But my heart really wouldn’t be in it. Sorry, Khan, I’m pissed off at you. You were a catalyst. The trouble is, I don‘t know who led who astray. You and Laura are both at fault.”

“Understandable,” Khan answered. “This is all a knotty mess. I know I can’t sort it out. I need to see what will be best for my people. I suppose it is time to go to neutral corners.”

“Now, wait a minute, guys! Where does this all leave me?!” Kirk demanded.

“Where do you want to be, Jim?” McCoy asked. “With life?” he asked as he touched his own chest. Then he nodded at Khan. “Or with death?”

“He’s living, Bones!” Kirk whispered hotly. “I ought to know! That was no dead man in my arms last night! He‘s alive!”

“Because you want him to be.” McCoy looked up at Khan. “It’s time for you to see to your people, Khan. And now, that includes Jim. What do you think is best for him?”

“You need to check him over, McCoy,“ Khan said. “I think that this side of the planet has really had an adverse influence on him. Even if he was taking his immunity pills the way he should, this environment has really bothered him. He didn’t realize it, though. But to me, it was being caged up with a hyped up squirrel.”

“I think you appreciated that behavior last night!” Kirk said hotly.

“I’m not saying I didn’t appreciate it. For one night, it was great. But I’m going to have to hole up somewhere for awhile just to get my strength back and catch up on my sleep. As soon as I meet with the elders first. But you need to go back with McCoy to his facility, Jim Kirk, and get treatment. Hard telling what that kind of behavior would do to you long term.”

McCoy frowned. “You’re right, Khan. Jim needs to be monitored. Detoxed. Put back on the pills. I can see that you have feelings for him. You don’t want him to be a victim of the mess that is your life.”

“No.”

“So you can see why I have to take him with me.”

“I understand, McCoy.” Khan’s voice sounded like ashes. “Take care of him for me, will you?”

McCoy nodded solemnly.

Kirk jumped up. “Now, wait a minute, you two! I’m still in the room! I’m still part of this rooster fight! I‘ve got a vested interest here!”

“Sit down, Jim,” McCoy said wearily. “You’re in no condition to think straight.”

“I am, too!”

“You’re in lust.” McCoy nodded at Khan. “With Khan here. Stuff like that doesn‘t last. It burns hot. And it burns bright.”

“Damn straight!” Kirk affirmed.

“And then it burns out quickly,” McCoy finished.

“He’s right, Jim,” Khan said quietly. “What we had last night won’t last.”

“We could try!” Kirk said as he stared into Khan’s face. “We could have something eternal, if we just try! I sure as hell want it! And you! I want you!” His stare at Khan intensified. “Don‘t you want me, too?!”

Khan winced. “Jim. Please. Understand, won’t you?” Khan pleaded. “It’s for the best. Best for my people. Best for you.”

“But what’s best for you?! What does Khan want?!” When Khan didn’t answer, Kirk turned in anger on McCoy. “Damn it, McCoy! Why didn’t you keep quiet?!”

“Because I am your friend, and I had to speak up. Why do you think I’ve been sitting down here for hours, waiting for you, but dreading when you’d show up? I didn’t want to do it, but I had to. If you truly care for him, you have to let him go, too.”

“I did once,” Kirk said stubbornly. “Back at your place, Bones. Laura asked the same thing of me.” He looked with meaning at Khan. “And I did as she asked. I let him go.” 

Kirk saw that Khan had the grace to lower his eyes. But not before Kirk saw that Khan had been very impressed by what he’d said.

“You’ve seen how I’ve suffered because I’ve been wanting him!” Kirk declared wildly at McCoy. “And still you tell me these things now?! After I‘ve finally found him back?!”

“Because it couldn’t last, Jim. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for both of you.”

“He’s right, Jim,” Khan said quietly.

“I’ve been in touch with the elders of this planet,“ McCoy said. “I’ve warned them about the plan to make this planet into a penal colony. They’ll be meeting the ship with your people’s pods on it, Khan. Then they’ll be negotiating with you to see if you can have sanctuary. I’m hoping that this planet can become a great medical complex. That would be more positive than a penal colony. Jim’s finger and Spock’s injuries healed amazingly fast. That’s what gave me the idea for the natural healing powers of the lotus flowers. The elders seemed interested in that idea.”

“You’ve been busy already,” Kirk grumbled.

“I had to do something while I waited for you guys. I got to bed early, so I got up early. I’ve been in contact with the elders from right here in the kitchen. Khan, the ship with your people will be due at any time. You can go meet it.”

“Thanks, McCoy.” He stood.

Kirk paled. “You’re leaving?! Just like that?!”

“Jim,” Khan said in a tired voice. “I have to be realistic. You do, too. There is more to life than what we did last night.” He gently brushed Kirk’s face. “I’m not saying it wasn’t wonderful. I appreciated every moment. But it’s over for us.”

Kirk grabbed Khan by the shoulders. “Not if you believe! You have to believe, Khan! Believe in us, and let the rest of the universe sail away!”

“But it won’t, Jim. The universe is here to stay.” He gently took Jim’s hands off his shoulders. “Now, I’m going to go talk to the elders of this planet to see about getting sanctuary for my people.” He looked at Kirk’s wild, unbelieving face. “I thank you for everything, Jim Kirk. For a moment, you had me believing, too. And it was glorious. Now, go live life. Live it for me.“ He turned away and refused to look at Kirk anymore. “Good morning, gentlemen. Have a safe journey.” And with that, Khan left the house.

Kirk stood in disbelief, his eyes casting about wildly. “I! Do! Not! Be! Lieve! This! He can just walk away?! He didn't even say goodbye!”

"Probably because he couldn't."

"He could have at least kissed me! Couldn't he?"

"No, Jim."

"But, why not?!"

"Come on, Jim. You know he answer the same as I do." He studied his friend who acted as if he was trying to stay mad or to cry. "Could you have told him goodbye?" McCoy asked softly. "Could you have kissed him, knowing it was the last?"

"Why do I always have to be so understanding?" Kirk demanded in a sulky, spoiled child voice and attitude.

“I’m sorry, Jim. But clean breaks are the best. Besides, that man needs to see to the welfare of his people. He could never concentrate on you until he does that.”

“A leader can see to his people, and his loved ones, at the same time.” Kirk said, almost as if he were reciting a creed. His face was marred by grief. He had gone from the happiest person on the planet to the saddest, in a matter of moments. 

“Be kind to him, Jim. This is difficult for him, too. Don’t make him suffer anymore. I‘m not a fan of his, but I‘m humane enough to know he‘s in a terrible dilemma. But even I don‘t want to add to his suffering. Surely, you shouldn‘t, either.”

Tears danced in Kirk’s eyes. “I could make him forget everything, but me.”

“Would you want someone to make that kind of demand on you? Look, I believe that he truly cares for you. I could see it in his eyes and actions. But, help him. Don’t try to hold him back.” 

Kirk looked back at McCoy. “How many times do I have to let him go?”

“As many times as it takes, Jim,” McCoy said softly. “That’s what you do when you truly love someone. And I don’t know if you’re to that stage yet.”

Kirk frowned at him. “What are you saying?”

“This love thing. Popularity, even. It’s always come so easily to you. You’ve never appreciated how hard other people have to work to get what falls into your lap so readily. All you have to do is flash that pretty smile of yours and turn on the charm. People clamor to get at you.”

“I like people back.”

“I know. That’s part of your charisma. People sense that loving you is easy. And it is. The hard part is keeping you. Thankfully, Khan didn’t have to learn that truth before he fell too hard for you.”

He finally looked at McCoy in defeat. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Anytime, boss man.” McCoy stood up, then remembered. “I know you’re working up to do it, and I realize that it would relieve a lot of the stress you‘re surely under. But, please don’t start yelling Khan’s name, okay? That just unsettles everyone. I know it’s almost stopped my heart a time or two.”

“Do you want to see your guts on the floor? I could hate you for that comment.”

“Your guts are already on the floor, and I need to help you scoop them up. You’re right. It’s time that we got out of here. You can hate me later, if you still want.”

“What the hell good would that do?”

He slapped Kirk on the shoulder. “Now, you’re coming out on the other side.”

 

As they traveled back to McCoy’s house on the other side of the planet, Kirk remembered that McCoy was surely hurting, also.

“So, you couldn’t bed Laura, huh?” he tried to ask gently.

“She killed my children, Jim. At the end of the day, I can’t forget that. I’ll always miss them.”

“You’re still a young man. You can have others.”

“There will never be another Little Jimmy.”

“What?”

“After I found out what she had done, he became more real to him.” McCoy smiled sadly. “I could see him at age five, a live-wire, and a smart mouth, just like his Uncle Jimmy. And at age ten, a little more somber from living around me.”

“Of course.”

“But still intelligent and ethical like you. Because he would be, of course, the personification of you. He couldn‘t pattern himself after anyone better.”

Kirk acknowledged the compliment modestly. “Thank you.”

“Either age, he’d be dressed in short pants and a striped polo shirt.”

Kirk frowned. “Like a kid from the 1930s?”

“How else would Laura have dressed a child? If the baby would’ve been a girl, Laura would have tried to have turned her into Shirley Temple. Probably would have even named her Shirley. And made the poor kid sing ‘On the Good Ship Lollipop’ while she tried to tap-dance.” He frowned. “Even if Little Shirley couldn’t do either one.”

“You can still have those children, Bones.”

“Not those two, Jim,” McCoy said as pain flashed across his face. “I can see them better all the time. They are becoming individuals with distinct personalities and habits. They will be with me always.” He frowned. “In time, their images will fade, I suppose. But they’ll always live with me.” He touched his heart. “Here in my heart.”

“Then I know where I can always find them,” Kirk said softly as he placed his hand over McCoy‘s. “With their loving father.”

 

When they got back to McCoy’s clinic, Kirk was stunned to realize that less than twenty-four hours had passed since they had left.

“Did that all really happen, Bones? Was it all an illusion caused by this planet?”

“Does your ass really hurt?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s no illusion, then. Sex isn’t. A lot of other stuff on this planet is illusion, but sex isn’t. Neither is death. Dead is dead. I know dead.“ McCoy shrugged. “But last night with you and Khan really happened.” He studied Kirk’s sad face. “Your ass will heal in time.”

“What about my heart?”

McCoy shrugged again. “You’ll either heal. Or you’ll die. That’s about all I can promise.”

“Ever the voice of optimism,” Kirk muttered.

McCoy glared at him. “My friend, James T. Kirk, is tough because he has to be. He is a survivor.”

Kirk smirked and gave McCoy a sad smile. “Sounds exactly like my friend, Dr. Leonard McCoy. I understand that Kirk learned it from McCoy.”

“McCoy is a smart-mouthed bastard, from what I’ve heard. He doesn’t hand you any bullshit, no matter how much he’d like to do just that. He knows what you really need from him.”

“And that’s why James T. Kirk loves that quirky bastard. He wouldn’t want him any other way.”


	7. Chapter 7

Despite the fact that they had been gone for only a short time, Spock seemed more distant to them, even to Kirk.

“What’s up with the little green bastard?” McCoy asked as he and Kirk sat in McCoy‘s office several days after their return. “Did we don the cloaks of invisibility and forget to take them off?”

“I don’t know,” Kirk answered with a sigh. “All three of us are going around like drama queens. We’re probably worse than a sorority house at the first of the month. It’s like all of our hormones are out of whack. Maybe we‘ve all turned into girls with PMS.”

“I do believe we three have a right to be upset and sad, Jim. All of us have experienced a pretty good going over since Laura and Khan left here. And this hasn’t been a really good week for any of us.”

“Speak for yourself.” Kirk gave him a knowing smile. “I had a damn fine night with Khan after he and I finally found his room.” 

“What is it about Khan that appeals to you so much?”

“I think I see myself in him.”

‘Your methods are different.”

“Perhaps.”

“You’re fascinated with him.”

“Perhaps.”

McCoy frowned. “You’re in love with him?”

“Perhaps.” Kirk smiled softly. “A little, I suppose.”

“A lot, you mean. I didn’t think so before, but now I do. You’ve talked yourself into something, didn‘t you? Is that really fair to Khan? He‘s just a man with huge concerns for people who depend on him. Don‘t make him into something he isn‘t.”

Kirk frowned at McCoy. “You’re defending Khan? When did you start liking him?”

“Since you brought him to the clinic, I started to know him personally. I’m accepting him for what he is. Why don’t you do the same? You’re trying to make him into something you want him to be. That isn’t right. He shouldn’t have to live up to your expectations.”

“You’re concerned about Khan?!”

“I’m concerned about YOU! You’re going to get so hurt when you finally accept the truth: there’s no future for you and Khan together.”

“I think we have as much chance as anybody else. No guarantees, right?”

“How could I ever deny that? I’m not exactly a winner myself.” He frowned. “I never have been. It looks good for awhile, like with Laura, and then it all falls apart.”

“But you’ve had your times, haven’t you?”

“Well, yeah.”

“That’s the way it was with Khan and me. Last night was glorious. I had him gag me and tie me to the bed so I could squirm and yell as much as I wanted without let the whole side of this planet know what was going on. He’s got a heavy hand. My backend stung like hell and still does.” Kirk squirmed to get his point across. “Want to see the reason why? You won‘t believe the colors until you see for yourself. It‘s a painting in motion.” 

McCoy stared at him, bug-eyed. “I’m going to get a porn show now, aren’t I?”

“Porn show. Love. Whatever it was, it was good, Bones.” He frowned. “Then it took a definite turn south after we came downstairs and found you. You’re not exactly the bearer of glad tidings, you know.” 

“I said I was sorry.”

Kirk breathed deeply. “I know. Someone had to be the adult, I suppose.”

“Why in the hell does it have to be me today, huh?”

“You are older!”

“You are the captain!”

“Maybe we should just draw straws.”

“That might it fairer.” McCoy’s smile was bitter. “Or more logical.”

“Now you’re sounding like Spock.”

“Wonder how that could happen?” McCoy asked miserably. “You have to be around somebody before you can copy their actions, don’t you?”

Kirk frowned. “What’s wrong? You two still not relating to each other?”

“He looks at me like I’m a windowpane he can see through. Do you call that relating?”

“Are you making an effort?”

“The guy doesn’t exactly like me anymore, Jim! And he’s got a damn good reason! I don‘t like me very well, either!”

“Boy, we’re not much further along on any of this than we were a few days ago, are we? The next thing I know, Spock will march in here to your office and tell us that he’s decided to go through with Kolinar because he doesn‘t want to try dealing with any more angst in his life.”

The words were no sooner out of his mouth than a knock came at McCoy’s door.  
Kirk and McCoy looked at each other in disbelief.

“Come in,” McCoy said hesitantly.

Spock entered and marched up to Kirk. He placed his hands behind his back and stared over Kirk’s head. “Captain Kirk, I believed I would find you in here.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Spock.”

“I am here to announce officially that I have decided to undergo Kolinar.”

“Oh?” Kirk barely got the word out. He tried to stop his eyes from widening, but figured that he had failed at that, too. It’s not every day that a buddy says that he plans to wipe all memory of you from his mind. That takes a little getting used to.

Behind Kirk, he heard McCoy’s sharp intake of breath. Great! This news probably wasn’t going to settle too well with McCoy, either.

“I have been in communication with my father. I will be leaving in a few days’ time.”

“Alright,” Kirk said carefully. He still didn’t know exactly how to act. It’s difficult to adjust when the air has been knocked out of one’s body and sucked a person’s broken heart out with it as it left. First Khan, now Spock. Kirk figured McCoy wouldn’t be too far behind in the Grand Exodus. If this trend kept up, Kirk sure as hell was going to come up short in the good friends’ department damn fast.

“I wanted to notify you officially,” Spock announced.

“Alright,” Kirk repeated, knowing that he wasn’t making his most eloquent showing. “Perhaps you would like to share a last meal with me? I’m sorry.” ‘Last meal’ sounded like something a prisoner headed for the gallows would be given. “Shall we have some supper together before you leave?”

“Dinner for two?” Spock proposed.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kirk saw McCoy wince.

“I believe I would like that, Captain,” Spock continued.

“Good. I’ll be in touch.”

“Until then, Captain.” Spock turned and headed out the door.

A full minute passed before McCoy spoke. “See? I’m a windowpane to him.”

“Sorry, Bones.” And Jim Kirk started feeling very lonely.

“And the news about Laura isn’t good, either.”

“Really? Sorry to hear that.”

“My friend, Carruthers, the psychiatrist in Savannah? He says she’s hopelessly insane. So I guess there is too much of a good thing about the influence of this planet. But Laura is happy. She’s watching 1930s movies and dancing to Irving Berlin music.”

“Just like her life here.”

“Except, instead of dancing with us, she’s dancing with fellow inmates and male staff who try to humor her. And, of course, she’s very charming still. All in all, she’s very popular, Carruthers says.” McCoy frowned. “But I also understand that sometimes she searches for me.”

“Poor thing.”

“Yes. Bless her heart, some part of her still loves me. If only we would have known before about the overdosing possibility from the lotus flower, we could have left this planet and been happy back on Earth.” He looked at Kirk. “I didn’t need a self-assured beauty queen who’d gotten that way through the influence of some exotic flower, Jim. I had a wonderful woman who loved me. That’s all I wanted. But she thought I needed more. I will always regret not being able to convince her otherwise. It ruined our marriage, and it ruined her life.”

“You can’t think that it was all your fault.“ 

“Everything I touch gets tainting. Laura. Spock. My other wives.”

“I wish I could convince you otherwise.”

“I wish you could, too. At least, I’ve never done it to you.”

“No, that took Khan to do that. And I know why. While we love each other and have had some pretty exciting adventures in the sack, at least while we were at Starfleet Academy--”

McCoy conceded with a shrug and a grin that Kirk was right.

“--we’ve never been in love with each other. True?”

“Well, yeah.”

“And nothing much is in the prospects for you and me right now? Agreed?”

McCoy had to grin. “Well, yeah.”

“I’m kind of hung up on Khan. And you, well, you are just getting over Laura and are wondering what your relationship is with Spock.”

“That’s all true.”

“I think that you and I had all of our adventures together along those lines back at the Academy. But--”

“But?”

“But, if you’re even so inclined, don’t rule me out. Okay?”

“Sure.” 

Kirk looked at him intensely. “I just want you to remember that there is somebody who will always love you. Maybe not in love with you, but you’re still my friend. I know I got a little sidetracked about that after you attacked Spock, but my feelings never changed. They never will.”

“But why are you saying all of this now?”

“I think you need to hear it now. You’ve been beaten up emotionally pretty good in a short amount of time. I don’t know if you can handle it.”

“I think you need to hear the same thing for the same reason.”

“Well, thank you.”

“And I need to apologize. I thought that your feelings for Khan were shallow and physical. But I’m beginning to realize differently now. You really seem to be in love with him.”

“My feelings for him changed after we got to this planet. Before, he was exotic, mysterious, a new challenge. Then I got to know him. The depths of his mind. The caring in his heart for his people. I’m in awe of him, and I feel inadequate. I’ve gone from sexual interest to hero worship to soul mate. I feel like I know so little of him, yet I feel so comfortable around him. Like we were meant to be together. I only wish I could make him feel the same things for me.“ Tears twinkled in his eyes, and his smile quivered. “Ironic, isn’t it? That I should fall like this?”

“I think it’s beautiful for you to know a love like this. And I’m pleased, though, that you’re suffering the way you are.”

“Bones! You’re supposed to be my friend!”

“I am. I’m just glad that now you know what the rest of us go through.”

 

“Khan! How have you been?!”

“Kirk. I’m sorry I didn’t call quicker.”

“Well, you’ve been busy. Big negotiator at the conference table and all that.”

“That’s right.”

“Any progress?”

“Not much. But at least they haven’t sent us on our way. Back to Earth. Back to Section 31.”

“Don’t think that way. This will work out. Then we’ll be together. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he asked playfully, trying not to let his ardent hope shine through.

“Oh, Kirk.”

Kirk heard the anguish in Khan’s voice.

“I’m sorry. I should be more serious.”

“No. I’m the one who should be sorry about dragging you through all of this. This should be just about you and me. Nobody else should be involved.”

“I wouldn’t want you any other way than concerned about your people.”

“I want to be concerned about you, too. I wish you were with me right now. We could turn off the lights and light up the night in our own way.”

Kirk’s heart sang. He sat forward. “I could come to you.”

“Oh, Kirk! Don’t tempt me!”

“Sorry,” Kirk whispered. “I want to be with you again.“

“I know.“

“I want to tell you all sorts of things.” He took a deep breath. “I want you to do all sorts of things to me.”

“I want to hear those things, Kirk.” His voice softened. “I want to do those things to you. I want you to do things to me.”

Kirk wanted to ask when, when? But he knew that might break Khan‘s heart. He knew it would break his. He decided to tell Khan something different. “I know it sounds crazy. If we couldn’t do those things, I would settle just to be with you.”

“That’s the way I feel, too. Just to talk to you. Just to be silent with you. Just to let our spirits combine, if nothing else.” 

The enormity of what they were saying was nearly choking Kirk. “This is the real thing, isn’t it? This thing between you and me?”

“I think so.”

“I’ve never had anything like this. Not this big. Not this important.”

“I have. I just thought I’d never have it again.”

A grin tugged at Kirk‘s face. “Kind of scary, right?” Kirk sobered. “I always made fun of the agony other people went through with their love problems. I was going to make sure it didn’t happen to me, though. Why stay with just one person? I was having too much fun playing the field. A different girl every night. Or guy. It didn’t make any difference to me. But now I do see that it makes a difference. And it took you to open my eyes.” He grinned. “And I don’t mean how you opened my eyes when you got me up on that stack of pillows. Where did you ever learn something like that?”

“I showed you something, did I, Kirk?” There was a new lightness in Khan’s voice.

“Yes, you did. And I want a repeat.” He leaned forward and closed his eyes. “Of the stack of pillows. Of you. Of everything. Oh, Khan. We never had a chance. We deserve that much. One night can‘t be all that we get.”

“I know.”

“I can’t guarantee that we could last. Who could guarantee that sort of thing? But I’d like to give us a chance. Let me try to be like the people I always thought were boring. The ones I thought had settled. You could be good for me, Khan. In more than one way.” He tried to keep his voice light, but his face looked tense. He knew how important this question was to him. “Interested?”

“Of course, I am.”

Kirk sighed in relief.

“I heard that sigh, Kirk. I won’t take what you’re offering lightly. I know that you are willing to try.”

“Thank you. I didn’t know if you realized that.”

“Kirk. I was in that bed with you that night. And there’s one thing I remember. You’re willing.” Khan’s voice sobered. “And I know you’re serious.”

“I’ve always been a little serious about you. And a little fascinated. I think Spock thought I had a crush on you, and he might’ve been right.”

“And now?”

“Now I’ve been around you more on a quiet, day-by-day basis. It hasn’t been as glamorous, but it’s more solid. It’s something that would last. Our time at McCoy’s had one good thing come out of it. We got to know each other as people. We got to talk and trade ideas. You found out I was ticklish, and I found out you could blush. But there’s so much more to learn about each other. I’m willing to learn.”

“As I said, I know you’re willing. I have to hang up now.”

“Will you think about me?” Kirk asked hopefully.

“You bastard,” Khan growled. “How could I not think about you?”

Kirk laughed. 

“You with that flirty grin? And that cute little ass? And that kissable mouth?”

“Keep that image before you, Khan.”

“And mine behind you--”

Kirk’s breath caught.

“--pulling you against me--”

Kirk needed to breath. But couldn’t.

“--lining myself up--”

Kirk squinted his eyes tightly shut.

“--lifting your top leg--”

Kirk opened his mouth and tried not to gasp out his passion.

“--my lips kissing your neck, my one hand low on your stomach, whispering in your ear, ‘May I?’”

“Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Hurry!”

Then Kirk realized that he was shouting into a telecommunication device that was dead. When had Khan gently broken his connection?

Khan had hung up?! The bastard had hung up?! Right at the good part, the bastard had hung up?! Kirk hoped that Khan was needing to be using self-relief about now. Chances were, though, the bastard was having a good laugh, instead.

Kirk pounded on his desk, but nothing helped. He wanted to be pounding Khan for hanging up.

No, he decided. He wanted Khan to be pounding him.

 

Khan‘s communication had, at least, brought Kirk back to his senses, somewhat. He needed to be thinking of other matters, particularly his relationships with Spock and McCoy. Both of those friends were in, what Kirk considered to be, dire situations. Spock planned to leave in the very near future to undergo Kolinar, and McCoy was growing more despondent with that prospect. That had been the final blow to McCoy’s already fragile feelings of self-worth. Kirk realized that he needed to be more supportive of McCoy, but could not find the doctor anywhere. So he sought out Spock.

“Spock, have you seen McCoy?”

Spock turned aside. “No, Captain, I have not.”

“If you do, tell him I want to see him in his office,” Kirk said carefully. “Sorry to bother you. I know you try not to be around him.”

Spock looked back. “Is there a problem, Captain?”

“Nothing to concern you.”

Spock frowned. “I believe there is.”

“I just wanted to talk to him. He seems despondent, especially since you’ve decided to leave.”

“I am sorry to hear that he is despondent.”

“Did I almost hear concern in your voice for him?”

“You may have.”

“You let me know that, but you never would him, would you?”

“No.”

“Because you want him to suffer for what he did.”

“Can you blame me?”

“No. What I can’t understand is the concern for him. How? He hurt you.”

“He was my friend long before that happened. I do not want anything bad to happen to him, especially if I could have prevented it. I just did not want him to know of my concern.” He took a deep breath for courage. “Now, is there a problem?”

Kirk frowned. “I don’t know. It’s just a feeling I have that he’s going to do something desperate.”

Spock’s frown deepened. “Why do you believe that?”

“The janitor stopped me. He said that he’d found McCoy’s books in the trash. And that puzzled him since he thought those particular books were some of McCoy’s most prized possessions.”

“They are. The Grey’s Anatomy was given to him by his parents. The Edith Hamilton’s works of the Classical world of Greece and Rome came from you. And most of the books of English poetry are from me.”

Kirk gave him a sad smile. “Given by you to settle an argument, I believe.”

“A decision I lived to regret afterwards. I won the initial ‘discussion’, but was proven wrong several times later because he had those books.” He thought deeply for a moment. “He would never willingly let those volumes go. Or the others.”

“All in boxes for the trash man. I saw them. I asked the janitor to set them aside in a closet for McCoy. Surely, he will reconsider.”

Spock breathed deeply. “Good. Good.”

“That’s why I’m trying to find him. I’m a little worried.”

Spock nodded. “You’re right.” He arose, a little stiffly. “This is not good. He loved those books.”

“Perhaps he loved the people more who had given him those books,” Kirk said gently. “Perhaps he thinks he’s lost that love.” He stared at Spock. “Has he?”

Spock frowned.

“You know him as well as I do. What do you think would happen to him if he thinks he is completely friendless? That you are leaving and that I don‘t like him anymore for what he did to you?”

Spock’s frown deepened.

“That’s why I need to find him. I’m still his friend, and I care about what happens to him. I tried to tell him that before, but apparently he got to thinking otherwise. Or that it wasn’t enough. If you know of anywhere he could be--”

“The laboratory.”

“The lab?”

“His experiments. He would want to check on them one more time before doing something drastic. He would want to arrange for their continued scrutiny. The experiments should not perish simply because he does.”

“You’re right! You stay here in case he does come back!” Kirk directed as he sprinted off toward the science building with the laboratory in it.

Spock had not lied. He had told Kirk the truth. McCoy would want to check his experiments one last time and would make sure that someone else would care for his specimens if he was not around to do so. His specimens were, after all, living organisms and would be interested in life progression even if their caretaker no longer cared for his own existence.

Spock had not told Kirk the whole truth, though. He figured McCoy had already done that chore and was already where he would stage his demise, if that was what he had planned. If Kirk would blame Spock for not preventing McCoy’s suicide, so be it. Spock had to confront McCoy first, on his own, by himself. He did not want Jim Kirk or anyone else around. This confrontation would be between him and McCoy.


	8. Chapter 8

Leonard McCoy sat looking down into the pool beneath the waterfall. Legend had it that the pool was bottomless. He was about to find out.

The only thing that prevented him from slipping beneath the surface now was the Christian belief that suicide was an unforgivable sin. But what did he have to live for? True, he’d felt that way before he’d met Laura. But some spark of optimism had been touched in him by her, and he’d gambled once again on life. In fact, it hadn’t felt like a gamble. It’d felt like a sure thing.

But in the process of losing her to Khan, he’d lost his dearest friends. He’d betrayed one, in the most beastly way possible. And he’d outraged the other one by committing an unspeakable act. Kirk said that he had moved beyond his initial horror and rejection of McCoy, but McCoy didn’t believe Kirk. How could Kirk, or anyone, forgive and forget that?

And the irony of the situation was that McCoy really didn’t remember violating Spock.

It was true. McCoy could move on. Make a fresh start. People did that all the time. There was a big universe out there, just waiting for an experienced doctor wanting to make a change in his life.

But McCoy didn’t know if he wanted an opportunity for change. His optimism for the future was shattered by the regrets of the past.

With a sigh, he slipped his body into the frothy water and was immediately shocked and then numbed by the coldness of it. The snow up on the mountains was more than an illusion in the distance. Good. Maybe it would be less painful this way. 

He swam with lusty strokes into the deepest waters, then relaxed his extended arms and floated like a bobbing cork. Just let the current from the falling waters bounce him back and forth. Just stare into the waterfall and let the dancing froth mesmerize him until the water around him slowly claimed him. It would be a soothing death, much better than he deserved. Please let it be quick and painless. That’s all he wanted now.

Just let the waters go past my chin, then my nose, then my eyes, then breathe it in. Just relax. Don’t fight it. The numbing waters. Don’t fight. The paralyzing cold. Don’t--

“Doctor!”

What the--

McCoy’s head shot around as his body tensed and started to sink. He made a conscious effort to kick his feet and to tread water.

“Doctor McCoy!”

Spock! What the hell was HE doing here?!

“Spock!” McCoy hollered, as he tread water. “What are you doing here?!” he shouted to the agitated man on the beach. “Go away! Now!”

Spock moved from foot to foot, back and forth, even doing some little hops. “No! Come out!” 

McCoy tread water. “Stop jumping around like that! You’ll hurt yourself!”

“No! You come out!”

“No, you pointy-eared-- Look, I’m trying to do something dignified here! Go away and let me do it!”

“No death is ever dignified! Come out!”

“No!”

“I forgive you!”

“No!”

“Did you hear--” 

“I heard! And I do not accept it!”

“And now you will leave me feeling guilty over your death?!”

McCoy frowned. “I hadn’t thought about that,” he mumbled. “I forgive you any responsibility in my death!” he called. “Now, go away and let me die in peace!”

“No! Come out!”

“This is my decision, Spock. It’s what I want,” McCoy said calmly.

“No! Please! Please come out!”

“Ah, the ‘please’ word. I’ve never heard you beg before, Spock, not even for your own life. And now you beg for mine? You flatter me, sir.” 

“I can beg further, if that is what you need to hear.“

“Is that what you think this is? I’m staging this to get sympathy out of you? And your forgiveness?“ He thought. Well, maybe. “I’m at the end of my rope, Spock. That means I just want it to be over.“

“I know what it means!“ Spock continued his frantic pacing and sporadic jumping.

“Will you stop hopping around like a damned chicken with its head chopped off?“

“I do not understand ‘damned chicken with its head chopped off.’ Come out and explain!“

McCoy grinned. “Not even a clever ploy, Spock.“

“I have no time to be clever!“

“You’re right, there,“ McCoy muttered in agreement. “Go away and let me get back to what I was doing! I’m getting cold in here!“

“Come out and get warm! I will warm you!“

McCoy could see the rising panic on Spock’s face. “I think you might be serious.“

“Of course, I am serious! When have I never been serious?!“

McCoy was slightly amused. “Never, you pointy-eared hobgoblin.“

“You have said that I need more joy in my life. How would I be able to get that if you are gone?“

McCoy frowned. “Oh, come on! I am not that important to you.“

“How would you know how important you are to me if you harm yourself?!“

If McCoy wasn’t mistaken, he could almost hear genuine panic in Spock’s voice. “Are you saying that you love me, darlin’?” he said in his old, flirty, Southern gentleman voice, a voice he had almost forgotten he once used. “Because that‘s what people say to each other when there‘s love between them. They want the other person to know just what they mean to each other.“ 

He saw the indecision on Spock’s face. Spock could not lie, but could he try to lie to save a life?

“Never mind,“ McCoy said. “Don’t try to compromise yourself.“ He smiled wistfully. “I really did love you, you know. You and Jim. See? I can say it. But I’m one of those Earthlings, aren’t I? One of those erratic creatures who are inconsistent and talk of love as if it makes the sun comes up for them. Which it does, by the way. Love. That’s one of those nasty Earth emotions that you deny having. Sometimes I wish I didn’t. Now, go away.”

“No,“ Spock said stubbornly.

“Go on. Just turn your back and walk away.”

“I thought I could do that. But I cannot. I thought I could watch you end your life, but I find that I cannot now that the opportunity is before me.”

“You’re mistaken. It’ll be easy. Just act like you have been toward me since I hurt you. Pretend I’m not around anymore. Make your pretending true.”

Spock had the grace to look guilty. “Let me rectify my actions. I will treat you better. Come out, and we‘ll talk about it.”

“Let me do what I have to do to correct this mess in my own way.” 

“Let me get Jim, at least. He needs to know. Maybe you will listen to him. I will just be a moment.”

“That’s all I need,” McCoy said with a hard edge to his voice. Damn! he corrected himself too late. Why had he told Spock that?! Now the bastard wouldn’t leave and give McCoy the opportunity he needed. 

“I will not leave you then,” Spock said stubbornly.

“And you need to get off your feet and go rest.”

“I am no longer an invalid.”

“I’m a doctor, and I say you are!”

“You are not just a doctor,” Spock declared.

“What am I, then?” McCoy asked, wondering where this conversation was going now.

“You are MY doctor.”

“Oh.”

“You said you would always be my doctor, as long as I wanted you to be.”

“Yeah, well, things change. Doctors stop practicing.”

“Not my doctor.”

“You’ll say anything, won’t you? Just to get me out of this water.”

“It is not just anything. It is the truth.”

“Well, I guess we’re at an impasse, aren’t we?“ He studied Spock for a moment. “I’m sorry I hurt you, darlin’. It’s my only regret. Try to forget what I did to you. The irony is that I don’t even remember doing it. And be good to Jim. Tell him that it wasn’t his fault, either. He’ll have a lot of guilt stored up about this.“

“Tell him yourself. Let me go get him.“

“Oh, darlin’, that’s a good try.“ McCoy’s arms were getting tired treading water. And he was getting tired being in the water. He just wanted to stop treading and go to sleep. But not quite yet. He had some unfinished business, still.

“I am truly sorry for what I did to you, Spock,” McCoy said, fighting the drowsiness. “You might forgive me, but I can‘t forgive myself. I can‘t even live with myself because of what I did to you. I am a monster, and I do not want to live with myself anymore. So I‘m finishing it. Now.” Then he simply relaxed his arms, dipped his head, sank beneath the surface of the water, and disappeared from view.

“Doctor?” Spock questioned. “Doctor, where are you?” He got no answer. Why hadn’t he told Kirk of his suspicions that McCoy was at the waterfall? Was revenge that sweet? For this was what it was. Revenge.

And why hadn’t he told McCoy what he wanted to hear? It wasn’t because it wasn’t true. Why hadn’t he spoken? And now McCoy was gone, and couldn’t hear.

Spock was Vulcan and did not act impulsively. He thought matters through and came up with logical and practical solutions. He considered all his options and what was best for him and everyone else. He studied a situation from all angles. That was what he generally did.

But not this time. For time had run out for McCoy. Spock made a gut decision. McCoy had made one of those once when he had hugged Spock at Kirk’s deathbed. And now Spock understood why McCoy had done it. Sometimes, a gut decision is the only choice available.

Spock took a running leap and plunged into the boiling waters below the frothy waterfall. The coldness shocked him.

“Doctor!” he sputtered.

But already the waters were reaching to claim him. McCoy had been right with his diagnosis. Spock wasn’t as strong as he thought.

How had the doctor withstood treading the iciness of the water for so long? And where was McCoy? Spock couldn’t see McCoy. Spock needed to dive.

McCoy heard or felt, he didn’t know which, an object hitting the water hard. He looked up and saw a large mass catapulting toward him.

Spock?! What the hell had that damned Vulcan done now?!

“Spock, you’re crazy!”

All that earned McCoy was a mouthful of ice cold water. He sputtered, then in the next moment was grabbed by Spock.

No!

He fought the hands and arms like a drowning, mad man which was exactly what he was. He knew he’d black out at any moment, and it would be over. If only that damned Vulcan would let go of him!

Then, suddenly, Spock went limp and started to sink.

Spock was drowning! He needed help!

McCoy couldn’t be responsible again for Spock’s debasement. Spock's death could be ruled a suicide. He had willing jumped into the water, without thought of consequences for himself when he knew that he was in a weakened state. Once again, McCoy would be responsible for mayhem to come to Spock.

Hell, forget about assigning fault! McCoy didn’t want to lose his friend!

McCoy grabbed Spock by the shoulders and started swimming up, up toward the light. Let him last long enough to reach the surface!

His lungs were screaming for air, but he could not give in now!

He broke the surface of the boiling water just below the falls. The worst possible place. But he grabbed Spock and started swimming for shore.

It was an eternity. His frozen arms were at least warmed by the exercise of swimming. But Spock, Spock would be in shock. Already, he might be dead. McCoy might be rescuing a corpse.

At least the water was easier to get through the further he swam from the falls. That was good. McCoy was exhausted, but he would not slip beneath the waves now. Not as long as he held onto Spock, he wanted to live.

McCoy sprawled onto the beach and gasped in a great lungful of air and sputtered out water. Again, he ordered himself. Live. Live. Spock was still in the water and could drift away to his death.

McCoy used his last strength to haul Spock out of the water. He lay panting a moment, and then turned to the body beside him. “Spock, you idiot,” he muttered as he manhandled the limber body into a sitting position. Spock slumped with his head hanging on his chest. “Why did you go and do that for in your condition?! You‘re not strong enough to go around rescuing people.” McCoy gently moved the inert body around and rubbed his back. “Come on, damn you. Breathe!”

Spock suddenly straightened and complied. “Like this, Doctor?”

McCoy pulled back onto his heels. He stared open-mouthed at Spock, half in anger, half in relief. “You were pretending?!”

Spock pulled himself into a sitting position near McCoy. “At first.”

“But, why?!”

“It was the only way I could get you to stop fighting me. And then I really did need help.” He looked at McCoy with admiration. “And you saved me.”

McCoy looked back intently. “I didn’t save you! Don’t lie to me!”

“I needed help getting you to the surface,” Spock admitted sheepishly.

“See?! The truth, at last!”

“Yes. The truth. The truth that I do no not want to see you die. I sent Jim on a wild goose chase to the lab--”

McCoy frowned. “You can understand that idiom?”

“Not entirely. But enough. Just enough to understand that geese were not involved, either wild or domesticated.”

“What do geese have to do with any of it?!”

“That is not entirely clear to me. That is why idioms seem stupid and pointless and distracting to me.”

“Then, why the hell are we talking about geese?!”

“My point, exactly. I do not wish to spend time discussing geese.“

“Then, what do you want to talk about, Commander?!“

“I want to know why you were trying to harm yourself.”

McCoy turned away. “I do not wish to discuss that.”

“But I do. And we will.”

McCoy looked back at him. “Stubborn little cuss, aren’t you?”

“I believe the expression is that I am persistent. Well? Why the self-destruction by water methods?”

“Drowning! I was trying to drown myself. Get it right!“ He saw the stubborn, yet shaken look on Spock’s face. McCoy realized that the Vulcan had been pushed about as far emotionally as he could stand today, and that impressed him. He was the cause of the trauma inside the alien, and that impressed him a great deal more. He had not realized that he had meant that much to Spock. This was probably as close as he would ever come to knowing that he was important to Spock. McCoy decided that he’d better be satisfied with that small crumb. 

Now, he needed to do something for the guy who had been trying to save him. The least he could do was give a straight forward answer to Spock‘s question. “Why was I trying to kill myself? I wanted to do something honorable,” McCoy mumbled.

“There is honor in death?”

“Not always. But I was trying to salvage something from this whole sorry mess.” He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself.

“You are cold. Here.” Spock tried to turn McCoy around.

But McCoy wouldn’t allow it. “You’re the one who is hurt!”

“You were in the water longer. Now, let me do this!” He turned McCoy sideways so he could pull McCoy’s back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around McCoy. 

McCoy relaxed into the cocoon of safety and warmth, and he sighed in spite of himself. He felt a little sleepy.

“Better?”

“It’s like being embraced by a cold, clammy squid,” McCoy muttered. He felt Spock tense and decided he needed to be grateful. “But outside of that, it is better.” He was rewarded by feeling Spock relax.

Spock started to rub McCoy’s arms vigorously. “Your circulation needs to be stimulated.”

“What are you doing out here, anyway? You’re convalescing. Wrestling around with me out in the water isn’t the best thing for you to do.”

“Jim was looking for you. He was worried about you.”

“Well, I suppose he had his reasons. But it was my business what I was doing. I’d tell him that any day. You, too, for that matter.”

“You are not very appreciative of my efforts to help you, Doctor,” Spock said as he continued the rapid massage.

It did feel pretty good, especially since someone was touching him again. McCoy could not remember when he had actually touched someone. It had been awhile. No, wait. Jim. He had hugged Jim. And Jim had hugged him back. That had been wonderful, especially the part where Jim had hugged him back. What was particularly wonderful now was that it was Spock who was touching him. He would’ve figured that if Spock would get this close, he’d hit McCoy, not try to help him.

But he still couldn‘t lower his defenses. “What are you trying to do?! Abrade my skin off through my shirt?!”

But Spock wasn't buying it. “Shut up, and let me save you.”

Had McCoy heard a hint of humor in Spock‘s growl? Were his arms more than protective? “That’s what I generally say,” McCoy grumbled, but he did appreciate the protection from the wind. He had not realized how chilled he was. He also realized that it was more than Spock’s body heat that was warming him. 

McCoy wanted to relax completely against Spock and lose himself in the world of those alien arms. He wanted to nestle his head in the hollow of Spock’s neck and listen to the soft lyrics of Spock’s words almost whispered in his ear. He wanted to doze in total relaxation against Spock’s body. Because he could tell, despite everything, that the person holding him loved him. The mind of the alien might not, but his body did. The body remembered, and the body loved McCoy back. How much had Spock responded that other time? How much had Spock wanted what had happened that other time? McCoy had never considered that Spock might’ve responded to him if he’d been given a better chance and more time.

But McCoy could not concentrate on that now. He had to think about that, later. Now, he was too tired, too sleepy. And the damned Vulcan was persistent with his annoying questions.

“Why did you do that? Why did you choose not to live?”

“My decision.”

“Not entirely.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Be that as it may, I will not allow you to destroy yourself.”

“And how, pray tell, are you going to stop me? Follow me around, day and night? Watch my every move? I know that Vulcans require very little sleep compared to us Earthlings, but they still do require some. And that’s when I’ll do it, buddy boy,” McCoy muttered with satisfaction. “And you’ll never know when.”

“Perhaps not.”

“Try to figure your way out of that one, smart guy. You can’t stop me.”

“Perhaps not.”

“Stop saying that. You sound like a stuck record. You don’t want to be boring, do you?”

“Perhaps not.”

McCoy had noted a tone of satisfaction in Spock’s voice. “There’s nothing you can do. And don’t say ‘perhaps not.’”

“No. You are correct. I am accepting that concept now. I cannot stop you from taking your own life.”

“There. That’s more like it.” He scooted around in Spock’s arms to get more comfortable and felt an arm-tightening response. Then he remembered he wasn’t supposed to be feeling something like that with Spock. “Yes, sir, whenever I decide.”

“That is fine.”

“You seem damned agreement. Just got smart, I guess. It’s my decision, after all.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I’m glad you’re finally understanding.”

“I do. Your decision.”

“Whenever I want.”

“That’s right.”

“So, there,” McCoy said with satisfaction. He still had control of his fate.

“Then, whenever you do it, I will be right behind you.”

McCoy tensed. “Eh?”

“You kill yourself, I will kill myself. Simple as that.”

McCoy looked up at the stoic profile. “You’d do that?”

“Yes.”

“You’d mess up your chances in Heaven?”

“Your belief. Not mine.”

“You’d mess up your karma?”

“Now, that is more of a concern."

McCoy smiled in satisfaction. "I've got you now, buddy boy. You're going off soon to New Vulcan to undergo Kolinar. I expect you've even got your bags packed." He pulled partway out of Spock's arms and looked up at Spock. "I can do away with myself whenever I want then, and you won't know a damn thing about it."

Spock looked startled. "Oh."

"Didn't think about that thing now, did you?" McCoy asked with satisfaction. "You'll forget about Jim and me, and all the trouble we've ever caused you." He studied the alien's face that was torn with indecision. "Of course," he added softly, "the memories haven't all been bad, have they?"

Spock stared at him. No, it was more of a glare. McCoy shivered slightly from the cold. He was missing Spock's body heat.

Spock saw the shiver, growled in annoyance, and grabbed McCoy roughly back into his arms. He twisted McCoy as he did so, causing McCoy to crash hard into his chest.

"Now you're going to manhandle me?!" McCoy complained.

"You are not contracting pneumonia if I can help it! And I am not going anywhere! Somebody has to take care of you!"

McCoy felt a grin of relief playing across his lips. He quickly wiped it away, though, before the Vulcan could see it.

"Now, settle down and let me put my arms more around you," Spock said. "You are shivering again.” He adjusted McCoy to his liking.

McCoy liked it, too. He felt warmer immediately. And protected.

"How do you even manage to get up in the morning on your own?!" Spock complained. "You need a keeper!"

"So, you aren't going anywhere?"McCoy asked as the vigorous hand rubbing started on his arms again.

"No!"

"So, the Kolinar is off?"

"Yes!"

McCoy tried to talk through the vigorous chaffing he was receiving, but he wouldn't have stopped it for anything. "All because of me?" McCoy dared, hopefully.

Spock's eyes flashed with annoyance. "You need not act so smug about it! Our destinies seem to be entwined, that is all."

Yeah, sure, McCoy thought in satisfaction. “You were concerned about your karma,” McCoy prompted, deliberately giving Spock the opportunity to have the upper hand. If that was so important to the alien, then McCoy could give it to him.

“Yes," Spock answered, remembering that he still had some leverage in this standoff. "Your suicide would trigger my suicide. Then you would have to spend eternity trying to make it up to me. And I will be right there, wanting justice for my untimely demise.”

“Hell, I’ve already got enough of a debt against me for what I’ve already done to you. I don’t need your death as another mark against me.”

“I absolved the other.”

“You can’t. I raped you! There’s no way around that. It’ll always be between us. I hurt you. Deliberately and unprovoked.”

“You do not understand--”

“Here you guys are!” Jim Kirk exclaimed as he suddenly burst onto the scene. He frowned. “Why are you both so wet?”

And suddenly there were other people with them and helping hands and warm blankets. And Spock did not get to finish his sentence as he and Doctor McCoy were hustled off for medical care.


	9. Chapter 9

So McCoy wasn’t going to kill himself. That much had been established. Not unless he wanted Spock’s ghost chasing after him for the rest of Time, wanting restitution for his life being cut short, and demanding validation of his karma. Because Spock was figuring on blaming McCoy for whatever happened to him, whether in this world or the next, whether McCoy was responsible or not. Trust the Vulcan to always try to keep McCoy slightly off balance. They couldn’t be equal. Spock always had to be holding an extra ace.

Now the other, the demeaning ass reaming escapade, suddenly seemed to be secondary to Spock. He planned to make McCoy responsible for far greater issues of his eternal assessment, things like soul damage from suicide and an eternity of karma placating. How in the hell had McCoy suddenly become responsible for such daunting issues of another person’s? He couldn’t manage his own, damn it. How in the hell was he supposed to handle someone else’s, too? It wasn’t like he really was in love with the Vulcan, or anything silly like that! Sure, he loved Spock, as a comrade and as a friend. But being IN love, well, that would suddenly put everything on a completely different level than what McCoy thought he was really ready to recognize or deal with.

It sure was perplexing, though, and made McCoy’s life more complicated. McCoy didn’t want to have to think about all of those things. He just wanted to wallow in his own self-pity. But, now he couldn’t do something simple like that. Oh, no, not now. Not when he had to consider how any move he made might cause Spock to grunt or frown or demand clarification. 

When had they reached that stage of intimacy? Why couldn’t they keep their problem simply on the physical level? Things really got messed up when emotions and feelings got involved. Maybe the Vulcan philosophy of Kolinar made a lot of sense, after all. Everything had suddenly gotten very complicated, when all McCoy had wanted to do was ease out of this world the quickest and easiest way possible for him. And then Spock had decided that he had a vested interest in the whole concern. Which, McCoy had to admit, the alien did.

The damn Vulcan knew how to mess up a guy’s plans, alright!

But now what was McCoy supposed to do with himself? He didn’t quite feel at home on Narsarya B, anymore. And he didn’t know if Jim Kirk would want him back aboard the Enterprise. Maybe he’d better start humming ‘Georgia on My Mind,’ and meaning it. They had to take him in at home. Didn’t they?

“Come,” he absently answered the buzz at his door, then glanced to see who it was. Outside of Jim Kirk, he couldn’t think of another soul who would want to be seen with him, let alone visit him. And even Jim Kirk was questionable these days.

Spock stepped into the door frame, but not all the way inside. He seemed hesitant. McCoy didn’t blame him.

“In or out, make up your mind, Commander. Or did you just stop by to see if my door still worked?“

“I wished to speak with you, Dr. McCoy.“

“You better not risk being in here alone with me,” McCoy cautioned as he turned aside. “But you’re welcomed if you want to take a risk.”

Spock took another step into McCoy’s quarters, and the door whished shut behind him, sealing the world, the universe, everyone, away from them. The door had sounded more like the door of a tomb closing. It was, indeed, ominous.

“What do you want, Commander?” McCoy asked in a tired voice. “I’m a dirty old man, or hadn’t your heard?”

“I came to confess what I did to you.”

McCoy turned back with a puzzled frown. “No. You’ve got it wrong. I abused you. I hurt you.” He turned aside again. “I hurt someone who was only trying to help me through the trauma of losing someone I loved.” He grimaced. “And look how I paid you back.”

“I was impressed at how much you loved Laura and at the pain you suffered when she left. I wondered how it would feel to be loved that much.”

“Take my word for it. It hurts. She loved me back just as greatly until Khan came along. And she saw that his need was greater than mine, I guess.”

“At the waterfall, you said you loved me. Was that true?”

“Yeah. It’s true. If you can’t trust a dying man to tell you the truth, who can you trust? Outside of a drunk, I suppose,” he muttered.

“That was why I helped you, you know.”

“To gain my love?”

“Yes. And it made me feel powerful.”

“That’s love, alright.”

“Very powerful. I suppose I decided I realized that I had very great influence over you, and so I thought I could get what I wanted from you.”

McCoy was staring at him. “What are you trying to tell me?”

“That night of the incident--”

McCoy frowned. “Must we speak of that?”

“Yes. I saw that you were drinking and that your inhibitions would be down. I tempted you. Shamefully. Then you decided I was Laura. You were aroused and meant to have rough sex with her to win her back. I tried to break away, which I should have been able to have done in your drunken state. We started to fight. We broke furniture. Your anger was increasing. Then I hit my head. I tried to fight you off, but you were angry and aroused. What you did was to Laura, and not to me.” He saw McCoy’s stunned face. “I am sorry that I did not tell you that before now.”

“So I was really raping Laura?“

“I think you were trying to remind her of how you two had been together.“

“That makes sense.“ He looked at Spock. “Thanks for telling me this. It’s makes more sense now.“ His smile was sad. “I can understand why you wanted me to know the truth. You didn’t want your karma messed up, either, did you?”

“And I did not want to lose you. And I do not mean just by dying. That would have been bad, also.”

McCoy frowned. “Spock. You’re saying--”

“That your life is important to me.”

McCoy’s mouth dropped open. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to know. That I am important to you.”

“But, of course, you are. That is why I could not allow you to abuse yourself after I had aroused you. You know, the time when we knew Jim was going to live.”

“But, why didn’t you ever say--” He frowned. “All this time, I’ve wondered. And all along, you did feel something for me. It all got mixed up in semantics.” He gave Spock a gentle look. “I couldn’t get you to ever say that I was important to you. And here you come along and say that my life is. That my life was important to you all along.” He tried to keep reproach out of his voice and hoped that he did. He just wanted Spock to understand the wonderment that he was feeling. “Do you know how much suffering I’ve felt because I thought I wasn’t important to you?”

Spock shrugged. “You. Your life. What is the difference?”

“Indeed. I understand now. No difference, at all. Thank you. Thank you very much, my friend. I feel the same way about you.”

“Good. I am glad that you now understand. I thought you knew.”

“It’s just nice to know. Especially when there is some question by the other person. Which there was.”

“I am sorry. I will try to do better in the future.”

McCoy could see the sincerity on Spock’s face, and something else, too. Concern? Anxiousness? And plain, old-fashioned fear? No, Spock wasn’t afraid of McCoy. Something else concerned him. Some other fear. What?

“Why are you here, Spock? I think there is more. I‘m happy as hell about what you‘ve already said, but I think you want to tell me more. What‘s on your mind?”

Spock visibly took a deep breath. “I want you to love me.”

McCoy felt a little embarrassed for both of them. He thought enough had already been said on that topic. Maybe the alien just needed to hear McCoy say it out loud with no chance for misunderstanding. McCoy could appreciate that. He knew what it had meant to him for Spock to say it clearly.

“I already do love you.”

Spock really looked anxious and fearful again. “I mean--”

McCoy frowned as he began to understand what Spock was trying to say. “You mean-”

“Yes. Physically.”

McCoy looked startled. He didn’t know what his thoughts were on that subject. He knew one thing for certain, though. That would explain the look of fear on Spock‘s face, alright.

Spock rushed ahead before McCoy could nix the subject, altogether. “I want you to make me feel what Laura felt. I want you to love me like that.”

“Ah--”

“I am healed inside.” He looked fearful, but had to plunge ahead. “I think you wanted something good with me that night, too. We both know more now. It would be alright.”

“But I could hurt you.”

“I want you to love me.”

“Oh, Spock.”

“I want to know what Laura felt with you.”

“And I can’t risk doing that to you. I can’t hurt you again. The next time, there would be no chance of forgiveness. There may not even be this time. I guess the bottom line is that I’m not willing to take the gamble. The stakes are too high.” He gave Spock a sad look. “I can’t risk losing you,” McCoy whispered.

Spock fumbled in his pocket, drew out a silver tube of something, and held it up. “Look. Lube.”

McCoy could’ve almost laughed at the panic and fear on Spock’s face, but the alien’s determination stopped him. “There’s more to it than that.”

“I will learn.”

“You think that’s it?! There‘s more than one way I could hurt my little darlin‘!”

They both looked stunned at that declaration.

Where had that come from, McCoy wondered. Had he been subconsciously thinking about being together with Spock? And by the startled look on Spock’s face, McCoy wondered if the Vulcan realized that McCoy had been thinking about that question, too.

“I mean, I could be psychologically devastating to you again. I don’t know if I want to chance harming you in that fashion, especially since you so recently had to cope with that angst and that pain. I think it would be better if I just wasn’t around you, let alone touch you. It’d be better for me, too, if I wasn’t tempted.”

Another concern flashed across Spock‘s face. “You do not want me?”

“Not want you? That really isn’t the issue here.”

“Then, what?”

“For starters, I don’t even know how you feel about me.” 

He saw Spock try to answer, but talked through whatever the Vulcan might have been ready to say. 

“I know you learned to be concerned about me after Laura left with Khan. Patience and understanding followed. But what you’re wanting from me now is on a completely different level than friendship.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t. It’s hot and it’s messy and it’s a roller coaster ride. It’s raw and it’s tender. You’ll scream in ecstasy. You’ll cry in sorrow. You’ll spend hours just gazing into my eyes, or feel that’s all you want to do. I’ll be the whole world to you. You won’t even remember that Jim Kirk or the study of philosophy ever existed. I will be the center of the universe for you. And you‘ll be happy about it.”

McCoy paced a few steps, then looked back at Spock. “Are you prepared for that kind of commitment? Are you prepared to love me one time and hate me the next? And then come rushing back into my arms, begging my forgiveness? Sometimes not fully understanding what you did wrong, but knowing there is something. And not even considering that I’m the bastard at fault? Are you ready to have your emotions jerked around like that? Because I‘m a crazy bastard, and I‘ve been known to fly off in all kinds of wild directions.”

Spock seemed hesitant and looked away. 

McCoy followed him. “Are you prepared to let me touch you and probe you and inspect you?” He searched Spock’s dark, fearful eyes. “I will want to touch you in places nobody now touches you. I will want you to touch me in those same places on my body. And stroke me. And kiss me. I will want you to want to do those things without thinking, without remorse, without reservation.”

Spock turned aside, but McCoy grabbed his arms and made Spock look at him. “There will be nowhere you can hide from my hands and my eyes and my heart. Will you allow that kind of intimacy? Taking you to bed for a sweaty session is one thing, but what you’re wanting is something more, a great deal more. Have no doubts. I am prepared to deliver that kind of relationship. I am a passionate man, a very passionate man. You and I differ in more than philosophical natures. And I will demand a response from you. I’ll want you to love me back. And I don’t mean just friendship.” 

He searched Spock’s eyes once more. “Are you prepared to do all of these things for me, simply because I ask? Simply because it will please me?”

Spock willed courage into himself. “I believe so. I would most certainly try.”

“Why?! And don’t say that it’s because of Laura and the physical stuff. I know you're curious, probably more curious than most people. It's in your nature to be curious. Why not ask Jim?“

“No. Not Jim.“

“Someone else?“

“No. You.“

“Why do you want me? Why Leonard McCoy?”

Spock thought, then his face cleared. “Because there is only one Leonard McCoy. Hard drinking. Hard loving. Hard fighting. Larger than life. Loyal. But flawed. And tragic. And suffering. I want to make you feel better. I want to be the person who makes a difference in your life. I want to be that important to you.” 

McCoy stared at Spock, then released Spock’s arms, turned aside, and muttered his favorite expletive.

Spock frowned. “Doctor?”

“I’m not trying to talk you out of this. Well, maybe I am. I want you to be sure about all of this.”

“I thought there were no guarantees.”

McCoy looked back with a sly grin. “Well, at least you learn fast. I just want you to know that sometimes you just have to go with action. Don’t think, don’t reason. Just act. That isn‘t your nature to be impulsive.”

“But what if it is a mistake?”

“That’s the glory of it! The dare! Just take a chance. If that’s what you want, just reach out and grab! You’ll never know until you try! What do you want?!”

McCoy saw self-doubt mixing with physical concern on the Vulcan’s face. Good. Let Spock reconsider. But McCoy was amazed at the disappointment he was suddenly noticing in himself. How deeply did his feelings for the Vulcan really run?

“But you would try to love me, the me inside my heart?” Spock asked hesitantly. “Not just the-- You know.” His green complexion deepened two shades.

“Id give it a damned good shot!” And just by saying it, McCoy knew that it was true. “I like you as a friend. The other will follow. Hell, no! The more I’m thinking about it, I realize that it’s already here. And let me make it clear. Me. You’ll be getting me. Do you want me? Because I won’t let you be passive. I’ll want a response. I’ll want you to touch me, and more. Can you possibly handle that? You can remember what it was like between us that other time. I can’t. While it wasn’t nice, at least you have a memory. And I’ll want an experience now. I’ll want a memory. Are you willing to give me that? Are you willing to give? And give? I can see your fear, your hesitation. But let me tell you now that I am willing to be good to you. I’ll take you to heights you never imagined. I’ll sink you to depths that will be brutal to your soul as well as to your heart. But you’ll feel alive, more alive than you’re ever felt before. And if we do this thing right, I’ll be able to do this to you with a touch, a look, a cold shoulder, a simple thought. And you’ll be able to do it to me. That’s a lot of power, to be that important to each other. But we can do it.”

They stared at each other.

“But let me tell you, darlin’, and don‘t misunderstand me,” McCoy said softly. “I am prepared to love you. That part will be easy.”

“Even the, ah--”

“Yeah, ‘even the ah.’ Especially the ‘ah.‘ That could be difficult for you, however. If you just want to skip that and just be good buddies, I can do that, too. Just so we can be friends again. Just so you let me know that I am important to you. I’ve missed your friendship, and I would love to have that back, if I can’t get anything else. We don’t have to have the other, the ‘ah.’” He felt disappointment go through him. Perhaps he had been wanting the other, too. He’d never thought about it before. Then to have it offered, only to be retracted, had shown him he really would like to participate with ‘even the ah.’

“I understand I could undergo certain preparations before, ah, penetration, to insure a better experience for me.” Spock’s skin flushed two shades of deeper green.

McCoy frowned. “Well, yeah.”

“Certain, ah, techniques. That you could, ah, administer.”

McCoy had never realized a person could blush that deeply, be it red or green.

“Yes, there are,” he said carefully. He didn’t know if he was trying to scare off the Vulcan or make him stay. Either sounded like a bad idea. And neither sounded like a good idea.

“And you would not, ah, mind, ah, doing that?”

McCoy’s frown deepened. “Touching you that way? Probing you that way with my fingers? First one, then two, then whatever you can take? That’s not for me to say. You’d be on the receiving end of that experience, not me.”

“I thought maybe you would not want to do that--”

“Is that what the problem is? You didn’t wreck my fingers or any other parts of me with your rectum, Commander! My body didn’t wind up in sickbay because of our little episode. You’re the injured party here, not me!”

“Are you so certain, Doctor? Were you not suffering before? Did you not suffer greatly in your mind and heart afterward?”

“Well, yeah, since you put it that way. I just know I’ve never talked so much before a sexual encounter. Generally, it’s all emotion and action with maybe regrets afterwards. But never this much debate beforehand. It takes all the edge off spontaneity. If I thought I wouldn’t scare the hell out of you, I’d grab you right now and stop all of your arguments and fears with my mouth and my hands and my body. I’d show you what I’ve decided I want to do with you, and I guarantee that the angels will weep with joy and envy with what happens between us.”

“Then you would want me? After what I did to you?”

“You were just trying to get the attention of a rather thick-headed ox who couldn’t see what was being so willing offered to him. As for now--“ His eyes gave Spock‘s body a stripping look. “You already got me talked into the wanting part. You’re offering me a damned good treat. One I don’t deserve, especially since I debased you the way I did. I would be highly honored, sir, if you wanted to give me a second chance with you. A chance with no alcohol and no Laura to get in the way. Just you and me. I’d like that very much. The question is if you want me, you pointy-eared hobgoblin. But don‘t stand around all day talking about it. I’d really like to know, though, before we got too much further along with this discussion. Because if you don‘t want me--”

Then Spock’s mouth got in the way of further discussion, and McCoy never got to finish that thought. 

Then he had a new thought.

Damned, that Vulcan was a fast learner! And a good kisser, to boot! McCoy had to remember to thank Uhura for probably teaching Spock a thing or two about romance.

Then Spock’s lips and arms and the rest of his body got too demanding of McCoy‘s attention, and McCoy forgot that there ever was somebody named Uhura.

Then he learned something else. Something very important.

The universe can actually be composed of very little. All it took was a pair of loving arms that formed a fortress to turn the rest of reality away from two people who were just discovering how much they really cared for each other.


	10. Chapter 10

If Jim Kirk didn’t already know that Spock and McCoy were together, the present scene he was witnessing would prove it. He stood gazing out the window of his room on the second floor of McCoy’s home. Below him spread the wide vistas of the manicured lawns stretching toward the lake and the stream at the bottom of the beautiful waterfalls that fed them. He frowned. Where were the live oaks that generally hid his view of the lake, stream, and falls? It was almost as if the planet wanted him to see what was happening with his friends.

Spock and McCoy swam and splashed in the turbulent waters. And the waters must be warm today, or else certain parts of their anatomy would be shrunken and withered. Not so today. The reason Kirk knew that was because the two swimmers were nude. There was not the least indication of even the briefest of swimwear, not even a tiny bikini to hide their attributes.

The swimmers were joyous, also. They laughed and grinned as they splashed and cavorted around each other. Then they dove and came up, wrapped up in each other’s arms, kissing, and spiraling in motions that churned the water around them. They flopped on their backs and floated, feet to faces. Kirk wondered why that. He would’ve done face to face for more kissing and touching. He soon got his answer. The closest hand of each swimmer snaked out and began to fondle the other’s member. It didn’t take very long for that type of action to get definite results.

Kirk clutched the window frame. Were the swimmers going to pleasure each other that way and try to rival the waterfalls in height? Or would one subdue the other right in the water? Which one would do the subduing? Kirk wondered. Was one of them always the dominant one, or did they take turns? McCoy had always been the top in their student days, but would he prefer to submit to Spock? Being taken by something exotic and foreign did add a certain spice to the proceedings. Kirk should know. He had his memories of Khan.

Then he noticed that the duo was splashing hand in hand, ashore. Now, what? Surely, they’d finish on the ground what they’d started in the water. They were both very seriously aroused. Kirk could tell that, even from this distance.

Spock dropped McCoy’s hand and walked ahead to fall on his knees to smooth out the blanket spread on the ground. He turned and held his hand out to McCoy. When McCoy reached him, McCoy bent and kissed Spock on the mouth. Then he straightened and gazed down at Spock fondly. Spock’s eyes never left McCoy’s as Spock leaned forward and placed his puckered lips on McCoy’s stiffened--

A knock sounded on the door behind Kirk, and Kirk started wildly. The door flew open and two female voices called out, “Surprise!”

To say that Kirk was surprised was putting it mildly. He quickly checked to see if he’d stained either side of his underwear. He could feel no moisture. Good. Small blessings. Now, if his heart would just start pumping again, he might survive this invasion of bright-eyed women.

“Jim! Did we surprise you?!”

“You certainly did, Nyota.” He looked from one happy lady to the other. “Hello, Christine. Ladies, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“We came to surprise you,” Christine answered, beaming.

“Well, that you got done.”

The ladies beamed at each other.

“Scotty said you‘d be surprised,” Christine offered.

“Scotty, hmm?” Kirk accepted in his best tight-lipped manner. 

“We came to surprise Leonard and Spock, too,” Nyota added. “Scotty thought they would like to see us.”

Scotty, again. Kirk was never going to tell that Scotsman any more news in confidence.

“Well, you will certainly get that done, ladies. The guys are not expecting you,” Kirk conceded and watched the ladies grin at each other in conspiracy.

Poor Christine, Kirk thought. She’d been sweet on Leonard and Spock, even Kirk, with no results. He wished her well. But, Nyota. Apparently Nyota wanted Spock back and had brought Christine along as wingman. Christine had maybe agreed in hopes of getting one of the other two guys in her bed. 

Kirk hated to disappoint either of the lovely ladies. But today they would be. Because the three guys were hopelessly concerned with each other or a fourth guy who was present in thought only. But, still, definitely uppermost in Kirk’s thoughts.

“So, where are they?” Nyota asked. “The house seemed deserted. Then we finally found you. What are you so interested in out that window, anyway?”

“Oh, just the scenery,” Kirk mumbled. He halfway turned to the window and saw one of his friends spread out on the blanket with the other hovering over him with very definite intentions. “Why don’t we go downstairs and get some refreshment?” Kirk said in a cheerful voice. “You won’t believe the service you can get here just by asking.”

“Just a minute, Captain. I want to see the view from here.”

“Nyota! Wait!”

“Oh, look, Christine! Just see what’s out there! Shame on you, Jim, for not wanting to share!”

Kirk squinted his eyes closed as Chapel brushed past him.

“Did you ever see anything like that, Christine?!”

“Why, it’s just like a picture I’ve seen! Such color! Such detail! Such a spectacle!”

Such a catastrophe, Kirk thought.

“I’ve never seen any so large before, have you, Nyota?!”

“Or so plump! Are they always so round and firm?”

What the hell?! These women were talking x-rated material! Kirk knew that his friends were well hung, but there were surely limits to what these women would admire, especially in his presence.

“Jim!”

“Hmm?”

“Come here and take a look at these.”

“Oh, I don’t know if I want to, Nyota.”

“Why not?” Christine questioned. “Surely you’re proud of this view. And them. You probably see them this way everyday.”

Kirk cringed. “Oh, I don’t know if I’d say everyday.” He could concede part of what she‘d said, though. “Well, yeah, I guess you could say I’m proud of their attributes. But not as much as they are, I expect.”

“What are you talking about, Jim?” Chapel questioned. “Roses can’t feel pride.”

Kirk was confused. “Roses?”

“Yes,” Nyota answered. “And those live oaks surrounding them really put them in a pretty frame.”

Kirk was almost afraid to look, but he did. Roses. Live oaks. Just like the ladies had told him. But he knew that somewhere, behind all that beauty, were two guys getting really sweaty and physical with each other.

“Ladies, may I present the wonders of this wonderful planet in all its glory?” Kirk asked with a lazy smile.

“Imagine. Wanting to keep this all to yourself,” Chapel reproached him gently as she took his arm.

“Ladies, may I make amends by inviting you to partake of some refreshment?” he asked as he offered his other arm to Nyota. Who knew when the outside panorama would change? Or to what?

Refreshment in the dining room on the other side of the house would be advisable before the planet got playful and let the ladies see what Kirk had really been watching.

“That’s sound fine, Captain,” Nyota answered as she took his other arm.

He looked from one to the other. “Ladies? Shall we?”

They smiled back in consent.

Kirk took one quick peek out the window and saw two naked men twined in each other’s arms and apparently asleep in the warm sunshine. Thank you, Narsarya B, he thought with sincerity. I’m glad that somebody is being satisfied. Please help me, now, if you would be so kind. I’m about as star-crossed as a lover can get.

Then he gallantly led the two women away whom he considered sisters. He didn’t want them to be embarrassed or heartbroken by what was really going on outside his window, so he protected them as he would sisters.

The ladies stayed through luncheon, then left because even they could tell when men definitely had their minds elsewhere.

 

“Khan!” Kirk crowed as he sat back in his chair. “How did you know I was thinking about you?! I‘m glad you called. When can we get together?”

“Direct little bastard, aren‘t you?”

Kirk heard the fond humor in Khan’s voice. “I’ve learned with you that I’d better talk fast.” His voice got serious. “When will we ever have enough time, Khan? My butt misses your hand on it.” He had to grin, no matter how serious he wanted to feel. “And other parts of you. I want you, Khan. There. How about that? Plain enough for you? I promise, I won’t play hard to get. Just so you’re hard.”

“Listen, Kirk, that’s what I called about.”

“You’re hard?” Kirk asked in awe. “Just thinking about me can do that to you?” His face and voice turned flirty. “Just think what the whole package can do. I’m ready, willing, and….able!”

“Jim. Listen. Please. I have to tell you--”

“Oh, boy. The ‘please’ word. You want me on top this time? Fine by me. But let me tell you, I much prefer the--”

“Jim!”

“And I’ve got four reasons why. Want me to amuse you?”

“Oh, Jim, that you could.”

Kirk frowned. “What is it, Khan?”

“The Narsaryans have decided not to resurrect my crew at this time.”

“Oh, no!”

“They’re afraid, Jim. So am I. There’s too many things that could go wrong. And we would need everything in our favor that we could get.”

“You have me.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.”

“And Dr. McCoy. And Spock.”

“Even after everything’s that happened, Spock would--”

“He fights for what is right and just, same as me. And the most wonderful thing has happened with him and McCoy. Seems they are in love with each other.“

“After everything that went wrong with them, they found something that is good?“

“Yes, they did. Because the old corny adage is true. Love does conquer all. And that’s why I think we can find the same thing together that they‘ve found.”

“It’s unbelievable that McCoy would consider helping me, but Spock--”

“Quit trying to change the subject. But don’t worry. Spock knows that you and your people are just trying to find a home.”

“And we have it. On Narsarya B.”

“But you said--”

“We just will be frozen.”

Kirk frowned. “You mean?”

“Yes. I’m going to be refrozen and be with my people forever.”

Kirk squeezed his eyes shut in pain.

“We will have a chamber here at the clinic that Laura established. I could have taken the pods back to Earth, to where we had been stored, but my people had just come from there. We’re tired of traveling. Besides, I trust the Narsaryans to take care of us. It’s too risky for us back on Earth. Section 31 can’t have control over us here.”

“What about the penal colony idea?”

“That’s why the Narsaryans didn’t want to go ahead with resurrecting my crew. They’ve finally decided that they can’t love the whole universe the way they would like to do. Well, they could, but the whole universe might not necessarily love them back. In fact, there are parts of the universe that might take advantage of them, and worse. At least, I’ve made them realize a few of these hard truths. That’s why I trust them to care for me and my crew.”

“But why do you have to join your crew? Can’t you work with the Narsaryans for more readily usable procedures with your people? Can’t you start the peacekeeping that you were originally reprogrammed for?”

“You make it sound so tempting, Jim Kirk.”

“I’ll make it more tempting yet,” Kirk said recklessly. “I’ll be here. Awake and warm. And willing. Don’t you want to be with me?”

“Jim….”

“Give us a chance, Khan. We’ve never had a chance.” 

“I want to be with my people.”

“I wish I could be enough for you. I feel so inadequate.”

“Don’t.”

“I can come to you.”

“No.”

“When are you going to do this thing?”

“As soon as I hang up.”

Kirk squeezed his eyes shut. “Please, don’t.”

“Now, you have found the ‘please’ word.” Humor had warmed his voice. “I thought you could never beg for anything.”

“My crew. And you.”

“Not your life?”

“You are my life,” Kirk vowed recklessly.

“Now, how would you know that?” Khan asked reasonably. 

“Give me some time, and I‘ll convince you.”

“Oh, Jim Kirk, I am glad that I have known you. You love big, you hate big, you live big. You are larger than life.”

Tears popped into Kirk’s eyes. “No, I’m not. Not now.”

“Yes, you are. Right now, you are suffering big. Nothing dainty and retiring for Jim Kirk, by heaven!”

“That’s right. I think it can be good with us, Khan.” He smiled. “I can give you four great reasons why it would be.”

“I can, too,” Khan said softly. “And I’ll be thinking of them, and you, as I go to sleep this final time.”

The communication ended with a sudden click.

“You damn bastard! You never said goodbye! I wish to hell that you would stop doing that!”

Kirk jumped to his feet and started to pace. He stopped and looked out the window onto the lovely grounds at McCoy’s clinic. The scene might as well have shown him the devastation after a major bomb blast.

Kirk felt it building within him: the frustration, the anger, the emotion for which there was no release. He knew he shouldn’t do it; he had promised McCoy. He knew it was no long term solution. He knew the anguish would close down on him the moment the sound died. But there would be that moment’s brief respite.

He threw his head back and screamed as loudly as he could, “Khan!”

Down the hallway McCoy dropped the book he was holding, looked up wildly, and thought, now, what? Was Khan somehow back and had Jim just seen him? Or been fulfilled by him? Or was Jim simply sounding off again? And when in the hell had Jim developed that cheerleader in a hailstorm voice, anyway? And what shape was McCoy’s book in?

McCoy bent, picked up his book, and frowned. The spine was broken. 

In the room next to Kirk’s, Spock could more than hear the scream of torment. The effect on him was much worse than on McCoy. Spock’s advanced hearing seemed to echo the scream not only around the room, but also through his head. He froze in place as his eyes bugged out and his mouth dropped open. He had to grab the back of a chair to maintain his balance. Such sensory overload caused him to hyperventilate. He thought again of Mother and the Angel of Death. And Angela del Norte, his intensive care nurse. And for a moment he even saw them. They seemed so near. Thankfully, they faded almost as quickly as they‘d appeared. If he‘d been a cat, Spock could’ve subtracted one of his nine lives. For a weaker cat, the count might’ve been two lives lost.

After Spock got his breathing slowed back down to normal and the black spots stopped dancing in front of his eyes, he decided that Kirk’s primal scream meant a trip for the three of them to the other side of Narsarya B. 

Spock was right.

 

“Really, Jim, that screaming has got to stop,” McCoy said as they walked up to Laura’s clinic. “That was a first edition William Faulkner that got ruined when I dropped it. And Spock,” he glanced at the Vulcan on the other side of Kirk, “well, Spock hasn’t really been the same since. He’s real jumpy and can’t seem to concentrate. His mind’s even starting to drift rather badly. So that’s two things of mine that are getting ruined.” He shot Kirk a significant look. “If you know what I mean.”

Kirk grunted in understanding.

“So, go in there to Khan’s pod and say your piece to him. Khan is dead to the world, so to speak. But you say he claims he can hear you call him in his sleep. Well, sleep is one thing, but dead is dead. You can’t get any more basic than that. Give it your best shot, though, but then give it up,” McCoy advised with a hard edge to his voice. “Or you’re going to lose your best friends. I’d have to get Spock out of here, maybe even off this cursed planet, for his own good, as well as mine. I want my happy little love nest back again.” He glared at Kirk. “IF you know what I mean.” 

Kirk grunted again.

“Spock’s nervous as hell. He doesn’t know when you’ll cut loose with that damn hollering again . That’s not good for anything. Or anyone. Even me, with my steady hands. I‘m starting to shake. That puts everything off.” He frowned. “Timing, especially. And, okay, I’ll say it. Just romance in general. It kind of breaks the mood. And rhythms. IF you know what I mean!”

Kirk rolled his eyes and shrugged. 

“And it would have to be quite a distance away we‘d have to get,” McCoy continued sourly. “That hearing of Spock’s could still pick you up blocks away, even if you so much as sighed. Which you‘ve been doing a whole lot of lately, I might add. Next, you‘ll be letting your hair grow long and start spouting that damn sappy poetry again. A poet, you're not.”

It was Kirk’s turn to glare at McCoy.

“Spock just doesn’t need any more of your screaming,” McCoy said firmly. “He’s still got a certain amount of residual ringing in his ears from that last time you hauled off and bellowed.” He looked away and muttered, “Sounded like a damn bull with its nuts caught in the gate top.”

“Is that one of your quaint country expressions?” Kirk asked with sarcasm dripping all over his voice.

“True story. My dad heard it from a vet buddy of his. The bull was trying to leap over a gate and got hung up in the worst way possible. The bull had to be castrated. Well, it’d pretty well had taken care of that little chore by himself. Broke his heart, though, being turned into a steer. Besides, castration just isn’t meant for a mature animal. It finally had to be put down. Cost that farmer big bucks. He had a lot of money invested in him, too. That bull was kind of like a horse that had won the Kentucky Derby. Everybody wanted that animal mounting their breeding stock. His sperm was that valued. Then it wound up spread all over a gate. Helluva loss, all the way around.”

“What was so enticing on the other side of that gate?”

McCoy’s grinned. “What else? Heifers that were too young to be bred. If that bull had gotten to them, it would’ve been rape. But he was determined. You have to admire him for appreciating the ladies and going after them.” He glanced at Kirk. “He kind of reminds me of you always after the ladies. That farmer should have named him James T. Kirk.”

“Thanks for the accolades,” Kirk sneered with his eyes forming tiny lines of resentment. “At least I don’t leap over gates to get after the ladies.” 

“That incident changed the way farmers decorated the tops of their gates, too. Now, they are straight across and smooth. Before, they had all sorts of fancy scrolls and doodads all over the top. It was that kind of work that caught the bull offguard.”

“Ouch.”

“Didn’t do much for the gate, either. So, like I say, no more hollering. That last one about tore the roof off the clinic.”

“When Khan called to say what he was going to do. That‘s when I screamed last. My throat was sore for days.”

“No wonder,” McCoy remarked dryly.

Kirk looked at McCoy. “What else am I supposed to do, Bones? The bastard keeps leaving without saying goodbye. I’m asking you, is that really nice and proper? I have to scream at him to get his attention. He can‘t seem to concentrate. Maybe Spock‘s mind drifting problem is catching.”

“I doubt if it’s Khan’s attention that’s the problem. Maybe he isn’t into goodbyes. Some people just aren’t. Stop trying to pull an Emily Post on him. Don’t point out his social inadequacies. Etiquette probably isn’t the most important thing on his mind right now.” He glanced around Kirk. “Spock, Emily Post was an expert on etiquette back in the Twentieth Century. She wrote a column about it and published books on the subject, too.”

“I know who Emily Post was, Doctor,” Spock said as he sniffed with disdain, then shot him a cutting look. “She was a person, not an idiom. I do not have any problem with people and their contribution to social culture. Please remember the difference. I do not talk down to you. Please do the same for me.”

“See what I mean?” McCoy said to Kirk. “Prissy as hell. And I don’t like it.“

“You’ve mentioned that in passing, Bones,“ Kirk said with a sigh.

McCoy’s eyes flashed with blue fire. “I want my happy little home back, Kirk. I NEED my--”

“You can’t blame me for all of your domestic problems, Bones. I think there’s something else going on here.”

“Jim is correct, Doctor,” Spock said as he glared straight ahead. “You cannot blame him for your inability to perform. Or me. After all, I am merely lying there.”

Kirk managed a weak smile, the first in days. “Well, that answers that question,” he muttered, almost to himself. 

“Spock! Shh!” McCoy warned with his own glare. “Jim can hear you! There‘s nothing wrong with HIS hearing!”

Spock turned his glare on McCoy. McCoy glared back at him.

Kirk thought a moment. “McCoy always was a top. Weren‘t you, Bones? Even back in our Academy days--”

“Jim! Shh! Spock can hear you!”

“I doubt if this information is any great news flash to Spock. Oh, another thing, Spock, about that relationship. I didn’t just lie there.” He actually grinned. “I participated. I‘ll give you some pointers later, about McCoy, if you‘re interested.”

“Jim!”

“This is your topic, Bones, not mine.”

There was a moment’s silence, then McCoy grumbled, “You are right, though. Maybe that’s part of my problem, hobgoblin,” McCoy said, addressing Spock. “You aren’t supposed to just lie there.”

“I do not wish to break your concentration, Doctor. In fact, you seem, at times, to be very fascinated merely to--”

“Gentlemen!” Kirk interrupted. “Too. Much. Information. Please! My hearing is fine, but I fear that my imagination will overload. Too many images.”

McCoy looked up at the building containing the pods. “And with that, here we are. Spock’s going to stay at the entrance while we go inside, Jim.”

“Oh? Doesn’t he want to make sure that Khan is out of action?” Kirk asked with a bitter tone to his voice.

“Spock isn’t that way, and you know it. No, he wants to be a little distance away in case you raise your voice.”

Kirk looked insulted. “I said I wouldn’t scream Khan’s name.”

“Well, Spock isn’t taking any chances. You do seem to get caught up in the moment sometimes and forget everything else. And that isn’t good news for the rest of us, especially Spock. No, Spock will stay near the entrance, but no further. I‘ll go in with you, though.”

Spock finally looked at McCoy. His annoyance had suddenly changed into concern for McCoy. “You will be careful?”

McCoy gave him an intimate look. “Yes, darlin’.”

Spock raised his index and middle fingers. McCoy smiled at him and used his index and middle fingers to touch Spock’s fingers. They looked intently at each other.

“Don’t go far, darlin’,” McCoy said softly.

“I will be right here, Leonard. Do not be long. I will miss you.”

“I just have to be with Jim for a little while, darlin’, then I’ll be right back.”

There! Kirk thought. That’s it! That’s what I want! That understanding between two people who love each other! That mutual concern! Is that so much to ask?!

Even as he asked, he knew the answers. First, it takes two people. Second, those two people have to love each other. Third, there has to be an understanding between those two people. Fourth, well, number four is generally too much to ask, because it’s nearly impossible to get those first three to be compatible.

It was ironic, Kirk also thought, how all of the basic facts about the universe, and Life, seemed to come in fours. That might really amuse Khan. Kirk frowned. That’s something else he’d like to tell Khan, if he ever got the chance.

But would he?


	11. Chapter 11

Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy stood in the holding area where now lay seventy-three pods containing Augments from the Eugenics War. The two looked into the pod where Khan Noonien Singh lay sleeping.

Jim Kirk looked down sadly. “It’s where he wanted to be. With his crew.”

“Jim, it’s for the best.”

“Is it, Bones? Is it really?”

“Yes, Jim, I believe it is.”

“Then we’ve failed somewhere.”

“Why do you say that?”

“He wanted to help the universe.”

“He wanted to control the universe.”

“On one level; yes.”

“But he went about it all wrong.”

“Perhaps. But the idea was there.”

“I suppose you could say the same thing about Napoleon or Hitler.”

“He could have great, Bones.”

“You’re still mesmerized by him, Jim. The person watching the cobra knows he should get out of striking distance of the cobra. But does he?”

“I know what you’re saying, but a piece of me is missing. And it is with him. It always will be.”

“He‘s hypnotized you.”

“I’ll tell you a secret. The person watching the cobra? He doesn’t want to move. He knows the danger, and still he stays. It’s the lure of the unknown. Khan is exotic. He’s tortured, he’s flawed, he’s lost. He’s given it his all, and still he’s here. Maybe not as gloriously, maybe not as triumphantly, but still as appealing and as steadfast. You know the guy was wrong, but he fought for what he thought was right. Now, maybe he isn’t as gallant as he once was, but he’s still true to the ones who fought beside him. He’s been a good leader. His followers believed in him because he protected them and respected them. I think he was great.”

“I know you do, but we have to think of other things now. You should tell Khan your big news.”

Kirk looked at him. “Now?”

McCoy urged Kirk forward with his head. “Yes. Now. Go on, Jim.”

“Khan, you should have waited. I went to see the Narsaryans, and we reached an agreement for you and your people. You can all stay here, but alive. Can you hear me? You can leave your pods behind and come live with the rest of us in the sunshine. All of you can have a normal lifespan, something you were cheated out of three hundred years ago. Spock and McCoy went with me to talk to the Narsaryans. It was their support that swung the deal with the elders of this planet. They want to help you because of me. They were impressed with how much I believed in you. They think that you and I should have a chance. I told you that they’d help if we just approached them in the right way. You just need a little more faith in us. Spock has even talked to his father. If you don’t like this planet, Sarek has invited you and your people to New Vulcan. Their population was decimated when Vulcan was destroyed. They would welcome your numbers, plus embrace your mission to bring peace to the universe. Khan, there’s people who will not only allow your people to live, they want your people to live. Come, be with us. Be with me, Khan. Be with me. I‘ll make you love me yet.”

Nothing.

But McCoy could see Kirk shaking in barely controlled sobs, and that pissed off McCoy. “Listen, you eerie creep. Dr. McCoy here,” McCoy began. “You know I didn’t like you, but that was because of what you did before I got to know you. Then we got acquainted while you stayed at my clinic, and I discovered that there was a lot of common ground between us. You know, those times when you weren’t whining about your people like a reincarnated Moses. But Jim here, he’s a good guy. I’m known him a long time. He’s like you. He doesn’t like to let people go, either. This is really hurting him, Khan. I‘m starting to worry about his mental health.”

Kirk looked up and frowned. “I don‘t know if I‘d go that far, Bones.”

“Shh!” McCoy said sternly. “Whose turn is it to talk, anyway?” He looked back at Khan’s pod. “That‘s about it, Khan. Except, I don‘t know if you can hear Jim when he starts hollering your name. But the rest of us sure as hell can. We told him that this has got to end. And we‘ve agreed. Or, rather, Spock and I made him listen to reason. This is it for Jim. No more yelling. No more moping around your tomb. No more gnashing his teeth and reciting insipid poetry with its labored rhymes. He‘s no Shakespeare.”

Kirk rolled his eyes and turned away.

“I think that will be the one that Spock and I will appreciate seeing the end of the most. Well, the whole Romantic Star-Crossed Lover bit. And, oh, yeah, the yelling, of course. But let me tell you this, Khan. I’ve never seen Jim in this shape. I think he means what he’s saying. You got to him, you eerie bastard. I don’t like to see my friend hurting. It looks like, if you have even the smallest feelings for him, you wouldn’t want to see him wasting himself like this. He’ll probably give up romancing, all together.”

“Wait a minute, Bones. I don’t know if I’ll go that far.”

“Shh! Will you just--”

“The little ladies have a lot to offer. I wouldn’t want to deprive them of my charms.”

“Shut up! I’m trying to help you get Khan back! You aren’t going to get that done if he thinks you’re unfaithful the moment he turns his back. Or in this case, turns cold.”

“I think that’s happened already. Cryogenics seems pretty damn thorough to me. Khan looks like a frosty popsicle. Not your best look, Khan. Probably not your best feel to the touch, either. I wouldn‘t mind a little cold slicing into me, but what you’d have to offer me now might hurt like hell.”

“Jim!”

“I‘m not dreaming about an icicle sawing into my ass. That doesn‘t exactly set my heart aflutter. Or my ass, either.”

“Jim! Will you just, shut up?!“ McCoy hissed as he gave Kirk a wild look. “I’m trying to help you! Get your mind above the waist for once!”

“Sorry. Guess you want to make more philosophical points, huh?”

“Something like that.” McCoy looked back at Khan’s pod. “Look, all I know is that the kid here is missing you. And I’m missing the kid, the way he used to be. If you are what it takes to make him happy, then I’m okay with your being around.” He frowned. “It seems to me that the kid has sacrificed a lot for you, several times now. What have you sacrificed for him? Yes, I know you’re responsible for your people. But Jim needs you, too. The kid really loves you, Khan. I think that love should be powerful enough to conquer death, don‘t you?”

“Ah, do you have to keep referring to me as ‘the kid?’”

“Shh! Will you just shut up?! He and I are both a whole lot older than you are. Now, let me talk! I have a beautiful speech about you here! Don‘t break the mood!”

“It makes me sound like an inept juvenile after a suave older man.”

“He is an older man to you. By three hundred years.”

“Not in bed! If you could just feel how he--”

“No, thanks! I’ll pass. I’ve got all I can handle with the Vulcan, thank you. I just want to enjoy what I‘ve got, if you don‘t mind.”

Jim glanced back at the doorway where Spock stood waiting. “I don’t blame you. That’s got to be a nice piece.”

“Damn straight.” Then he frowned. “Hands off, Kirk! You had your chance with him! Being his T’hy’la, and all that. I don’t care how close you two are as friends during the day, just so HE crawls in MY bed with ME at the end of the day. Got it?!”

“Possessive little bastard, aren’t you? Didn’t your mama ever teach you how to share?”

McCoy glared at him. “There are limits! Even for Southern gentlemen! And I‘ve reached mine! Back off, Kirk! The Vulcan is mine! Pointed ears, green blood, maddening logic, and all! Mine! Got it?!”

Kirk’s face saddened. “Well, if that little scene didn’t get him to chuckling, nothing will.”

“That was for Khan’s benefit?!”

“Down, down, you bantam rooster. It was twofold. You were staking your claim, also.” He glanced back toward Spock. “And I don’t blame you.” He glanced back at McCoy. “Don’t worry. I know where Spock's heart lies. And I don’t blame him for that, either.”

McCoy looked surprised. “You mean, you have some residual feelings for me?”

“I do, for anyone I’ve ever loved physically. The reasons I fell for them originally never change, why should the loving?”

“Damn it,” McCoy said in awe, “you’ve got a larger heart than most.”

“I love harder. I hurt harder when the loving changes or stops, too.”

“I didn’t know. If there was no Spock--”

“If there was no Khan--” Great pain reflected in Kirk’s eyes. “And there isn’t.”

“Come on, Jim, it’s time to leave. Let him be in peace.”

“I know. I just feel that he and I missed out on something. I think we could have had something together if we’d had more of a chance. I think I’ve found my equal at last. I think I could have given him something else to want to live for.”

“You’ll be making Spock jealous,” McCoy murmured.

Jim gave him a tender look. “Spock belongs to you. And you know it. And you belong to Spock.” Sadness came into his eyes. “And you know it. That‘s makes all the difference, doesn‘t it? Now you are at peace, because the two of you are together.”

The smile wasn’t on McCoy’s lips, but his eyes burned with it.

“Come on, Jim,” McCoy whispered. He didn’t dare speak any louder, for fear of choking up completely.

“A minute. Give me a minute, Bones. Just another minute.”

“All right.” McCoy went back to the door where Spock stood waiting. They turned as one and stepped into the hallway, leaving Jim Kirk to his grief.

Kirk stood looking down at the figure held in suspended animation. Khan looked so peaceful. And dead. And that grieved Kirk’s heart.

He wanted to say so many things to Khan and couldn’t. Kirk felt that there had been something there between them, something left unexplored, something left unfinished. 

At last Kirk touched the container and said, “I wasn’t enough, was I? But I wanted to be. Come back to me, and I‘ll be yours.“ He stroked the pod, wishing it was Khan’s skin, hoping that Khan could somehow feel his hand. “I belong to you, and you know it.” 

The eerie quiet of the room was the only thing to answer him. He was alone, yet there were seventy-three other living creatures with him. Together alone. It was eerie, but at the same time comforting.

“Come back to me,” Kirk begged, then he smiled sadly. “I’ve got my reasons. Want to hear them?” he asked, echoing past discussions with the two of them. “All right, I’ll amuse you. 

“One, I can’t sleep. All I can see are your haunted eyes silently staring into mine, and I wanted so much to bring you peace. But somebody can’t do that for another person. You want to have to compromise yourself. I know I’d be asking you to give up a lot, but surely we could find some solution that would work for you and your people so you wouldn’t have to sleep eternity away. 

“Two, I can still feel your hand on my ass. And my body wants you back.” He shivered. “Both outside and in.” He smiled thinly. “I know what I’m saying there. But as long as we’re talking compromises, we might as well discuss that physical attraction between us. 

“And that brings us to: Three, I belong to you. Completely. See? That shouldn’t take so much compromising from you, should it? Especially since I’m ready to concede without argument. I think I’d still come out the winner. 

“You probably wouldn’t be surprised by any of that because that leads us to my next reason. Four. You belong to me, and you know it. I think that‘s one reason you stuck yourself in this damn icebox. You thought you weren‘t enough for me, but you are. You are.” 

He squeezed his eyes closed because he was surrendering completely, and he knew he was vulnerable. 

“Five.” He popped his eyes back open. “I’ve never had a fifth reason before, have I? But really, it’s the best reason of all. It’s simple. I’d suspected it before, but I knew for sure when your hand landed on my ass and it felt so natural there. I knew that I belonged to you.” 

The pod was cold and mute beneath his hand as he touched it. “You’ve left me several times without saying goodbye, and I’m getting damn tired of that. So I’m not saying it, either. Not just to piss you off, which you deserve, by the way, but because I think it’s not over for us. It can’t be. After all the horsing around we’ve done, and then just to get one night. That just doesn’t seem right, somehow. Not that it wasn’t great. I’m not complaining any along those lines. The quality was great. I just want more. Lots more nights like that. Otherwise, I’ll feel like Juliet. You know, Shakespeare’s Juliet? She got just one night with Romeo and then died. I know I’m babbling. Seems like you liked me babbling, if I remember.” 

The pod did not respond, except to absorb more of his living warmth.

“Show me how to live again.” His lips quivered as he whispered, “I need you.” He bit his lips together. “Please. If you were going to make a grand gesture, this is the time to do it. Something like coming back from the dead. You know, something along those lines.” 

He looked sad. “Well, that’s it. I won’t be coming back here anymore. I can’t. I have to live. Just like I want you to live again. But it isn’t here, not in this place. You’ve thought about your people. Well, what do you think they’d want for you?” He glanced around. “Surely, not this. 

“I’ll try not to think about you so you can sleep in peace. I won’t be saying your name anymore. I guess I got kind of noisy about it. McCoy says I have to stop hollering it. He’s starting to get a little surly about it. Even Spock, as non-committal as he generally is about these things, is starting to give me THE look. He even rolls his eyes and sighs. The bastard can make his view known clearly enough. 

“I asked them for a minute alone with you. They must think I crawled in here with you. But I can’t do that. Not because I don’t love you.” He smiled sadly. “I never said that before, did I? At least I think that’s how I feel. I’d like to find out for sure. But, you know, you’re in there, and I’m out here in the cold.” He bit his lips together. “And I sure wish you’d change that.”

Kirk pressed his palm down as if the cold, hard pod was, living, yielding flesh. Then he clinched his fingers into a partial claw as tears stung his eyes.

“It may be wrong. It may be unnatural. I don’t care about the consequences. I just want to be in your arms. Then maybe I could sleep again. And feel again.” He gently stroked the pod. “If only--”

The pod stayed ice cold beneath his fingers. 

Khan! he shouted in his head. 

No answer. The dead can give no answer. 

He lifted his hand. It was hopeless. Khan was beyond his reach. That was the way Khan had wanted it. Kirk realized it’d been a lot to ask, that Khan would choose him over his own people. Kirk understood. He would probably pick his own crew, himself. 

Kirk stared down at the pod for another long moment and thought his final goodbye. Then he turned and left the room.

Machinery hummed, and filtered air flowed. Lights dimmed after the living and the animated had left. The cemetery of the living dead continued to go on with its unnatural life of not quite living and not yet dead.

Air currents drifted in and out, in between, the city of silent pods.

And then the body of Khan Noonien Singh--

\--twitched.

 

With a heavy heart and body, Jim Kirk walked slowly down the hallway. When he came abreast of McCoy and Spock, they silently fell into step beside him toward the entrance.

“Sorry, Jim,” McCoy said at last.

“Thanks. I know that you understand. Just look at what you lost.”

McCoy gave him a sad smile, then looked fondly at Spock. “But look at what I finally gained. All the pain was worth it, when I realized what was right in front of me all along.”

“I know that, too, Bones. And I thank all the angels in Heaven for you two. And the rest of the Enterprise crew. I am richly blessed.” He almost sighed. “I just wish that I was enough to make Khan want to come back. I wish that he would choose the living, no matter how reckless, no matter how selfish, no matter how damning the outcome would be for him. A moment in exchange for the rest of eternity. I wish the stakes of that gamble was enough for him.”

McCoy and Spock led Kirk away from the tomb of the living dead.

“It’s for the best, Jim. He is with his people now. I’ll come back to the Enterprise, and we’ll have more space adventures together.”

“Yes, Captain, I have had a communication from Starfleet. It is quite urgent that you contact them as soon as possible.”

“Business as usual?” Kirk mused. “Well, gentlemen, it might be good to get back to routine.” He stopped and frowned. “Listen. Did you hear that? A noise? Like a door opening?”

“It’s only wishful thinking, Jim. He’s gone.”

Kirk looked excited. “He could do it, gentlemen! He could! For me!”

“Jim. Don’t get your hopes up. You’ll only be disappointed.”

“He’s right, Captain,” Spock said, taking Kirk’s arm. “Come with us.”

“Wait! There! Didn’t you hear it?!”

“Jim--”

“Captain, please.”

And then they all heard, quite softly, but quite distinctly:

“Jim Kirk!” 

And then the figure of a hulking man appeared in that shadowy corridor, his dark coat seeming to brush the floor, but not really. 

“I heard you calling me, Jim Kirk. What in the hell do you want?!”

Jim Kirk’s brilliant smile lit up that dark cemetery. “You!” With tears streaming down his face, he rushed toward the man he had just resurrected with his love. Then Kirk stopped in front of Khan with a slapdash look on his face, just happy to be looking at the living person again. 

“I hope you make my sacrifice worthwhile, Jim Kirk,” Khan grumbled. His dark eyes no longer looked tortured and certainly didn‘t reflect the gruffness of his voice.

Kirk’s eyes shone. “Just give me the chance. That’s all I ask.”

“You’ve got it. I hope you have good reasons to do this,“ Khan said. 

“Yes. At least four.” Kirk tried to grin through his tears. “Probably more.”

Khan stared at him for a long moment, then his face contorted in an evil grin. “Amuse me!”

With a happy yelp, Kirk grasped him in a tight embrace as if his very life depended upon him. 

Which it did. 

And it wasn’t a moment too soon. Kirk’s hands clawed at Khan’s body in hungry need. Khan wouldn’t get away from him now. He hid his face in Khan’s neck in thanksgiving and released the healing tears that had strangled him for weeks. 

“Oh, my brave Jim Kirk,“ Khan murmured as he arms went around him.

“Not, very!“ A fresh volley of thankful tears wrenched themselves out of Kirk. Khan tried to soothe him, but soon found himself weeping as he clung to this promise of new life, this Jim Kirk, who was now life to him. 

Even McCoy and Spock got dewy eyed, gave each other soft looks, and grasped their closest hands. Tender, heartfelt love was definitely in the air. The kind of love that the poets and songsters write about.

“Thank you for working so hard to help us, Kirk,” Khan said with a smile. “It’s the greatest gift you could ever give me.”

Kirk’s eyes swept over Khan’s face in wonder. “I’m looking at mine!”

Khan even laughed. “Then I’m a gift behind. What can I ever give you for your second gift?”

Kirk winked. “Surprise me,” he murmured, then leaned into Khan’s kiss. Khan's dark coat swept around them, hiding their moment of reunion from the world.

From behind Khan, the pods containing his seventy-two crew mates began to open. The Augments were home at last.

And from the depths of the cavern could be heard the haunting strains of an old Irving Berlin song played by a swing band heavy on the brass:

Won't you change partners and then,

You may never want to change partners again.

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing dealing with Star Trek, including story lines and/or characters.
> 
> I own nothing of Irving Berlin or his marvelous music.


End file.
